Left OH but nowhere to go

[Lamborghini]

Hi everyone, I'm in a real predicament and I don't know what the hell to do. Long story short I've not been happy with OH for a couple of years now. This led to me having an emotional affair with a guy up country recently (started chatting from a mutual interest group on FB, never actually met) and OH found the messages. He wanted to draw a line under it and carry on but I didn't as I've not been happy for so long and I took this as my cue to finally get out from something I've been wanting to get out of for a while, but haven't had the balls to do.

So I've come home to my parents this evening, my mother is happy to have me and the two kids stay but my dad is not. When I popped out earlier he said to my mother 'everyone has quarrels she just has to put up with it' and my mother said that I didn't want to do that and he said tough, that's life. I have a very selfish dad who doesn't care about anyone but himself.

Now it's made harder by the fact that my parents live an hours drive from where I've been living with OH, my job is up there and both kids are in primary school there as well. I could get a new job, it will take a few months to sort once I'm offered one but I shouldn't have a problem finding one. I've spoken to my manager after colleagues advised I take some time off work as in my line of work it's not safe for me to be there if I cannot concentrate so I'm off for a little bit as of this weekend which is a weight off my mind.

It's not a problem for me to take the kids back up for school in the week and my in laws are fab and have said they'll look after them for me when I need to work and so on, if I stay living up that area. Problem is I don't want to live up there, my family are down here and I've been wanting to come home to live for absolutely ages.

I obviously need to get out of here ASAP as my dad isn't willing for us to stay but I don't know what to do. I don't want to go back living there and carrying on pretending I want to be there with OH when I don't. I want to live on my own with the kids but I don't know whether I should rent where my in laws are or down here and risk having trouble with someone to look after the kids when I'm in work. It's also a worry that I won't be able to cope money wise. I earn pretty decent money and where I live rent isn't too bad but with my outgoings and the rent and bills on top I do worry how I'll be able to manage. Having a job around kids school hours is also not an option in my line of work - it comprises of early starts, late finishes and night shifts. I assume I'll get help with money but my head is such a mess it's hard to look into that stuff at the moment.

Has anyone been in a similar situation who can offer advice on what they did? Or anyone with any suggestions? I'm awake at 3:30am after 3 hours sleep yesterday, I just don't know what to do. Thanks in advance.

Hello sorry to hear of your situation. It would be better to stay where you were so kids could stay at same school really I guess. Cant you stay in family home?

I have no experience of your predicament OP, but I think you need to give yourself a bit of time to get over the shock of your new situation. I know you say you have been unhappy for a while and you are certain you are doing the right thing leaving, but the practicalities will take time to fall into place.

I would say of the options you have presented, getting a place of your own near your PIL’s would seem the least upheaval all round. DC would stay in their school, you would have help with childcare and you could stay in your current job.

If you really want to move back to your home area, you could do that a year or so down the line in a more orderly fashion that wouldn’t inflict so much change on theDC at once.

It’s great your DM is supportive and I hope your DF has a change of heart.

If I am reading this correctly, you are an hour away from your family? Hardly the other end of the country! I would stay in the area where you were so you can continue your job, children can stay in same school and you have helpful PIL nearby. There is no benefit in throwing all these other stressful events into the mix when it appears there is no need to. You are working so find somewhere to rent..

As you have the children you should be staying in your family home and your husband should move out

I agree, rent where you were and move back to your home area in a year, or so, to give time to organise it all.
I also think, that if he has been a good father, you should keep things simle for the children to see him and stay over.
You call him your other half. Partner or husband? What's the situation with the property you were in?

How will you get childcare for nightshifts if you relocate? I would go back to where you were and make proper plans to separate with as little disruption to the children as possible.

Why do you want to stay where you are now?

There appears to be a lack of planning or foresight in your actions and that is what’s needed. I think you need to be realistic, practically speaking (job, school, childcare, contact), it’s a no brainier to stay in the same town as your Ex. Which begs the question, why do you want to stay in your old area.

The current living situation isn’t sustainable or satisfactory for either you or your children. I really do think you need to think a little bit more about your children’s needs.

I think staying in the area where their dad, school, supportive grandparents and your work is will be in your children's best interest.

Surely you need to consider what your Ex DP’s thoughts are re contact with his children - will he want 50/50 ? Will he be happy that you’re considering moving an hour away with his children? You PIL’s May have offered to help you out, but their loyalty will be with their son.

Your post is full of what you want but with regards to the children, it matters what their Dad wants too.

Since you want to move back home, is there any chance of a transfer with your job?

An hour's commute is doable if your mum is willing to help out with childcare and in emergency. But it is tough. And obviously would mean the dc changing schools if your mum were to help.

The OP is the one who had an emotional affair and chose to leave her DH so why should he have to leave the house? Can the DC stay with their DF at home so they can get to school while you stay with you DP and commute to work until you find accommodation for yourself?

Do what's best for the children. I wonder if you PIL will be as helpful knowing about the affair?

Unless a lot is being unsaid, you need to start putting your children first in all this. That means ensuring they have continuity in their home, education, friendships and in their relationship with you and equally with their father.

You and he need to have a conversation about how best to achieve this with minimal disruption. He will be having regular contact so that will be a significant part of their life. For this to be manageable you and he need to live close together.

This is what separated and divorced parents do and it involves sacrifice. A lot of sacrifice.

He's a pretty poor father tbh which I forgot to mention. I've picked a partner who is very similar to my dad and is more interested in his own interests than the children's and he's always been that way unfortunately so I don't expect him to change. Many times over the years I've told him he needs to step up more and be a better dad but he doesn't change and I don't think he ever will which is mainly why I've left. He works all the hours known to man and barely speaks to them unless he's telling them off it seems.

I think it would be best if I went back up there to live nearby as most of you have said. I don't want to really but I have to go where there's least disruption for the kids. OH is no saint, I've found many a dodgy text or slew of messages on his phone over the years so while I'm not using this to justify what I did (hence why I didn't mention it in my OP) I'm just saying that it's not been a fantastic relationship in the 12 years we've been together.

I'll look to answer any questions I've missed now, thank you for all your replies

Diana, he is my partner. Pretty much married but just never actually got married. We own the house outright as his dad lent us the money to buy it as it was v cheap. It's nextdoor to his parents house so I wouldn't want to go back there to live particularly anyway, while his parents are supportive his mother especially is very over bearing and pushy and thats another problem with us as he sees no reason to tell her to back off as she's basically making his life easier by having to do less for his kids.

Thankyounext that's exactly my worry if I relocate that I'll struggle for childcare, my mother is fantastic but my dad wears the trousers and what he says goes in their relationship. I'm beginning to think I should just go home and be with someone I'm unhappy with


AgentJohnson I want to be where I am now because I miss home and being near my mother and have done for years. I know I moved up there to be with him but I resent him for having his parents nearby and all the support they give him. I have no friends up there either as I struggle to make friends as I'm shy so that doesn't help matters and probably led to this emotional affair.

Dilly Dilly he has said that he will miss them and that he loves them and I’m sure he does but he has a funny way of showing it. He works really long hours and pretty much all of his outgoings go on his own interests, mainly his cars and he’s not long spent £1200 on a classic arcade machine to keep in his (recently built and v expensive) garage. We’ve not spoken about where the kids will be time wise yet but I’m happy to split the time.

Category12 no there’s no possibility of a transfer, I’m in the nhs and as it’s a different trust I need to apply for a new job.

Apollo - not sure if I mentioned in my OP but he works very long hours - 5/6am until getting home approx 7/8pm so he would very rarely be home with them even if they did stay there, they would be living with grandparents (my in laws) which I wouldn’t want.

Backintheroom they know what’s happened, when he found out he was understandably very angry so he told them.

LemonTT I agree but whenever we talk about it atm we end up arguing which is always instigated by him, I know he’s the hurt one and that it’s going to be the case for a while but we need to sort things out and going about it this way is not helping matters.

Again, thank you all for replies, I’m trying not to drip feed but it’s such a long story that I don’t want to make my posts too long.

What’s the position with your new man? Are you in a relationship with him now? Where is he?

No it's not going to be a new relationship, it's just someone I was talking to to vent my unhappiness and forget about it really. He lives four hours away and is 8 years younger so neither of us have planned for it to go anywhere.

I've just had flowers delivered from OH, card said 'I love you baby'.

I think you should stay in the area you are living in. The kids dad lives there, their old school is there and your PIL. Even if you were unhappy with your OH that does not mean you should make contact difficult for him with kids. Your DF is not supportive anyway so apart from your DM what is up there for you? If you don't want to go back to family home and try again then rent somewhere nearby.

Are you joint owner on property as without that you don't have a claim.
Don't rush decisions on a move, first step is to decide if the relationship is definitely over.

Then you will need to sort practicalities such as finances. If you aren't married then you may not be entitled to anything other than cms.

What caused you to suddenly leave?

Cornishclio it's just the fact that it's where I grew up and I miss it and my mother terribly. I'd never make it difficult for him to see the kids I'm not like that.

Lifebegins yes my name is on the deeds, we own the house jointly. I've been wanting to leave for a while as I think we've grown apart and I just don't feel I want to be with him anymore. We're half talking and half arguing by text currently. My head is such a mess

OP, even if your OH is a rubbish father it doesn't mean your children don't love him and won't miss him.

Where you live now is where they have grown up and where their father is and are now. The reasons you have for moving are the same ones that will deprive them of. I'm sorry but it is your responsibility as an adult to put them first. That means sacrificing what you want. It means trying to sort this out with your ex so they have minimum disruption. You dont have to stay with him but you have to do what is best for the children

This is what people do.

This is what I'm going to do Lemon, I'll stay at my parents until tomorrow and then I'll go back up and try to find somewhere to live nearby where ex is. No idea how to go about this but hopefully it won't be too difficult. Just hope I can manage money wise, that's what worrying me now.

I would suggest that you and your Ex agree to have a conversation about the living arrangements that suit the children and which you can both afford. This is an area of mutual interest and it shouldn't be about what you did or he did when you were together.

Being aware that you are prone to arguing when you talk means you can also prevent it. So agree to park the blame and recriminations about why you are not working as a couple. You won't agree and it is not the priority.

This is about the situation for the children. There are options and there are constraints but start by agreeing the priorities for the children. This should be access to both their parents on a regular basis, continuity in schooling and a sense of security. They also need to know that this is not about them and they shouldn't be confused about your relationship.

Don't present him with options, ask him what he thinks these are. Then suggest your own. Work it through fairly so you can both have a reasonable quality of life.

Once they are settled and can see that you are dealing with the situation rather than just endlessly arguing, you can try mediation. This will help you look at the long term resolution of your split.

In the new year start to work on your own issues. Build your resilience and friendship group by making an effort to be more sociable in the local community and at work. Visit your mother more regularly if you miss her. One of the by products of a split and shared custody is that you will have time to yourself.

Not one single shit given then about what the kids might want, or indeed, any wishes the guy that you cheated on then unceremoniously dumped, might have?

Looks like it’s going to be a few years for everyone.

The kids should always come first in my opinion, their best interests should come above everything, you obviously didn't give a shit about the kids when you started the affair, you slag off your ex for working long hours I think you should be grateful that he's a hard working guy trying to provide a good life for you and the kids instead of loads of guys who aren't interested in working