Hello,
My wife and I have been together for 15 years. We have 2 daughters aged 6 and 9.
After our second daughter was born, we agreed to sleep in separate rooms, so that she could feed the baby while I needed a decent night's sleep as I worked far from home (about 1 1/2 hours away by car). This also allowed her to sleep better as I snore very loudly. This arrangement has not been good to our relationship as a couple, and it took me way too long to figure this out. We slowly became "housemates" rather than lovers. I'm no couch potato and I do a lot of work around the house and with the kids, although I admit my wife does most of the planning.
I have for years asked if I could come back to sleep in our bedroom. She has always said no, not even on weekends. For the last few years, she would deliberately avoid me, locking herself up in her bedroom and watch TV, while I had to cook dinner for the kids and I after coming home from work. Then she would complain that I had taken too long to make dinner and that the kids were in bed too late. She would snap at me for pretty silly reasons, and this has taken a toll on my happiness and self esteem.
She suggested we see a therapist, which made me feel angry as I thought everything was her fault.
Having consulted the therapist, I understood that I had to change my behaviour and that we both had things we needed to work on. I quit my job for another one nearby that allowed me to be even more available to drive and pick up the kids from school. However, I feel her behavior has not changed.
She is not interested in family activities. It's like spending time with us (and especially me) is a chore to her. She regularly asks me to watch the kids so she can go running with her friends. She shows no interest whatsoever in my hobbies or the work I do around the house. I do admit I don't surprise her very often or tell her nice things either, because when I do, she tells me it's no use. When I try to give her a peck on the cheek when I leave for work, she turns her head in disgust.
We used to be like peas in a pod. I miss her so much.
I confronted her about the situation a couple of days ago. It had been a long time since we communicated honestly like that. She said she didn't think she was in love with me anymore, but didn't want to hurt me or tear our family apart. She cried. I told her that something needed to be done. That if she felt we should split, I would accept it, but that I loved her and that separation was not what I wanted. I told her that I felt sharing a bedroom was the cornerstone of a healthy relationship and that our decision to sleep separately was a huge mistake that I take responsibility for. She said sharing a bedroom with me was absolutely out of the question...
Even my dad, who had always greeted and accepted my wife, asked to have a talk with me as he and the rest of my family were concerned that my marriage was making me unhappy. I know it sounds like I'm blaming my wife for our situation, but I'm not. I want to know what I can do to find the spark and complicity we once had. She used to be so affectionate. The problem 9s that whatever i do or say, I feel she'll take the wrong way. I feel utterly powerless.