Ok, bit of background, sorry if long.
Me, H and 2 DCs moved to a different continent for my job about three years ago. H also managed to continue the job he had been doing by working from home and travelling a lot. About six months after we moved here, I found out H had met a woman and for want of a better term, had been having an emotional affair with her. He ended it and we stayed together for another few months but the whole thing had shone a spotlight on our entire marriage and it really wasn’t working for either of us so at my asking, he agreed to move out for a while and got a six month lease on an apartment a few streets away. We still saw each other regularly and did family stuff together (kids school stuff, weekend days out) etc and talked A LOT about our options and what we wanted but at the end of the six months, neither of us wanted to get back together and he moved into somewhere more permanent and yes, began dating the emotional affair woman.
Fast forward to now, 18 months on from that and H is in a full relationship with this woman now and they have set up home together in the town. Our DCs are over the initial shock of their parents separating and now happily flit between our houses, they have bedrooms at both and can come and go when they please, there’s no formal custody arrangements or anything. I’m delighted my kids have coped so well and the situation doesn’t seem to have affected them too much. DD is 17 and has just started her last year of school and will be off to college in a different country next year, DS has four more years of school left then the plan is he will go the same, so I’m here for another 4 years at least as I want DS to finish his secondary education here, then after that I will probably sell-up here and go back home. But that’s four years away. And by then I will only be four years older. I don’t have any close friends here, my family are all thousands of miles away, though we do visit and they visit us.
I bear no ill-will towards H any more, our relationship had run it’s course and we both deserve more.
My question is, when is my happiness coming? Have I had it already? Is this it for me? I don’t want to be married to either H or anyone else right now but being on my own seems to have greatly restricted what I do and my plans for the future. I’ve been part of a couple almost my entire adult life and when I wasn’t, I was young with lots of friends. Now I’m middle aged and more or less alone. Is this what it’s going to be like forever?