Deleting messages

[user1468348545]

I'm pretty sure I know the things people will say but....

I'm currently pregnant and me and DP have always been incredibly open with each other's phones etc. Not checking them but more just don't care if one another goes on either type of thing.
Anyway, happened to be logged into his Facebook, and he had waved at another woman. This then vanished (he obviously deleted) This made me feel a bit edgy so checked a couple of times throughout the day as felt it odd. Anyway they then had a normal conversation, no funny business, not even kisses on the end of messages. Just general catching up. So all fine, I thought maybe I was just being overly paranoid with being PG etc. Then he deleted the whole conversation.

Now there was nothing dodgy at all in these messages. I can see from her fb she's happily in a relationship with kids too but still can't see any reason to delete the conversation. She looks significantly older too if that is relevant. (Probably a good 15 years minimum)

Not sure how to handle this yet, obviously I will be talking to him. But I don't want to go off on him.
So mumsnet jury, any advice.

I think you have nothing to worry about,My OH is open like yours and when he gets a friends request he always waves,,,then they chat about utter mundane crap usually like what bands do you like? tell me about yourself etc then the converstion goes on a bit then he deletes it.The reason he deletes it is usually he finds they have nothing in common or its just trivial banter which is unimportant to him.My OH has nearly 3000 fb friends I would say 85% are women and complete strangers! Let it go OP concentrate on real life with your partner and look forward to your new baby coming,,,all will be fine! Good Luck with the rest of your pregnancy

Who is the woman? Does he know her?

Thank you for the reassurance.

Yes he does seem to know her, it was a sort of catch up messages. How are things going for you etc etc. I know he had a few encounters with some older women before me so I don't honestly know if it's one of those!

Does he normally delete his chats? If so I'd not worry, if not, then I would. My DH deleted many very dull text chats with a female friend who then went on to become the OW. I think he deleted the innocent chats as he knew he didn't feel innocent towards her so it made him more reactionary.

Is she an ex? The one who got away? A crush from teen years? His former boss? His mate's big sister? A distant cousin? I think that who she is, would be pertinent for me.

We had a chat about it last night and it turns out she's an old work colleague. He reassured me he definitely made a stupid decision deleting but knew I was struggling with feeling insecure because of pregnancy etc and didn't want me to feel like random women were messaging him and make me worried about absolutely nothing.

Riiight, so it's your fault.

I'd be wary.

Or you could try just not reading through his messages. What gives you the right to do that?

There is little sense in deleting his messages, but the salient point is if he just changed his password, he wouldn’t need to.

In response to your reply oofadoofa as you can see I am 7 months pregnant. It's been incredibly tough including vivid nightmares about cheating etc. (Joys of having an abusive ex) and both myself and DP have always been incredibly open and he'd even said that it must be horrible with having those nightmares and he has no issues even if I wanted to check his phone etc. I've never gone deliberately snooping. The only reason I had his Facebook logged in was because he'd asked me to check details of Christmas plans discussed with his family ages ago so we could arrange kids and visits with my family etc.
But thank you for taking the time to reply.

No worries. And just to make the point, but there is still something to be said for having some lines of privacy within a relationship that are healthy. The idea that we should share absolutely every single detail of our lives doesn’t sit right, it’s controlling, and would do nothing to actually solve issues one partner may have.

Surely the goal should be to offer trust fully, rather than allowing scars from previous relationships to dictate the state of play in future ones?

Mostly just thinking out loud, all the best.

Of course. And it's definitely something I'm working on as I've not felt at all like this until I fell pregnant. Who knew hormones could make you feel like you're going insane!!