Emotionally cold during argument

[ConfusedWife1234]

Sometimes when he is stressed or when we are having an argument dh start acting emotionally cold and posher then posh... like wearing a snobby expression on his face... sitting/standing extremely upright, correcting me all of the time, strutting around lecturing me and having an air of superiority. Hard to describe if you cannot see it.
When he does this during an argument it makes me angry, because he doesn’t even really listen to what I say.

It is not thaaat bad but it makes me feel misunderstood and acting irrational during arguments like making me critisize him harder and I am trying less to understand him because he acts so snobby.

Sad we cannot have a heart-to-heart-talk.

I would talk to him about it when you're getting on well. I think everyone has a different arguing style and let's face it who feels comfortable arguing. My DP likes to walk out on an argument so I have asked him not to do that I have mentioned it when he is out. I think if any of us were filmed whilst arguing then we'd be horrified. There's all these rules over how to argue such as no name calling, no door slamming etc but my argument is these things are rarely planned and then it's not an argument. Of course there is abuse and there's certain things I would find unacceptable. Next time you are having a laugh you should jokingly mention how he is. Probably stems back to how his parents behaved!

*when we are out having a good time.

That sounds unbearable. Lecturing? Ugh.

"no name calling, no door slamming etc but my argument is these things are rarely planned and then it's not an argument."

It's not an argument without name calling and door slamming?

Yes, I agree with fuddle. Some people walk off / slam doors / shout / never admit they’re wrong - none of us is at our best during an argument! This is your DH’s particular style. It does sound patronising and annoying!

Would you consider going on a marriage course? DH and I did one a few years ago and there was a session about communication during conflict which we found useful. It’s a bit less intense / more low key than counselling.

It sounds from your description as though he shows contempt, which is a huge red flag in relationships.

To me it's the not listening that stands out here. Someone acting like what you're saying isn't important is one of the worst things someone can do when there's disagreement. I can see how that can make you angrier than you were and it's designed to. If this is your only problem with him, try and make him understand how damaging it is. If this is part of something bigger It might be more serious.

How is he the rest of the time?

If he is fine the rest of the time, my question would be how would he describe you during an argument?

I bet he he doesn't like how you act either. Thinking about the people I know, in an argument.....I don't like any of them when they are like that. Mum shouts and screams and cries. Dad shuts down, the eventually yells, if it gets too much. Dp raises his voice a bit then goes silent and doesn't want to listen.

I shut down and become a bit of a tit. If I get upset I walk away.

Both me and Dp have done a lot of work. He now understand if I walk away it's because I am overwhelmed and need space. I am not walking away from him, I will always come back. I try not to walk away or just go to another room. He raises his voice because he is panicking, that's why his voice raises. And he checks himself.

But we aren't perfect so sometimes we fail to stick to the plan.

Not liking someone during an argument is normal. Being a bit of tit is also normal.

Sounds like Jacob Rees mogg!!

How his parents behaved? Everybody in his family is at least a bit snobby. Not necessarily bad but snobby and that is how they behave during argument. I know his father likes to bark at his sons and dh hated it. He also went to a boarding school and I know they were not supposed to get angry there but I think acting snobby was okay.
How I behave during an argument? Well, first I try to explain why I think the way I do. I try to stay nice and friendly but after a while I get annoyed by his snobby behaviour and start being mean myself.

How he is when we do not argue. Well, he is never really emotional but typically he is quite nice. Only when stressed he starts to be snobby and posher than posh and tougher than tough.

Just a few examples, he patronized me for pronouncing a French word wrong. French is my fourth language. He made fun of me for having a problem with one of our bathrooms being icecold (something wrong with the radiator) told me that “one just doesn’t notice if one has the right attitude“. He made fun of how the dogs “rule our house“ because they listen better to him than they listen to me.

The French word or the dogs have not even been the topic of our arguments. I used the French word and talked to two of the dogs during the argument but it was not the topic. He just wanted to say something to be mean.

He also like to come back like ten minutes after an argument to say something a bit patronizing and a bit mean... like “Darling, do you really want to use that scent? Smells like a soap bought at Lidl“. I give him an angry look, he gives me an innocent look “Only asking...“.

Am I to sensitive?

I actually reacted by acting just like him. Told him i might smell like Lidl soap but his coat stinks like a wet dog...which made him really selfconsvious and he started sniffing it lol.

Jacob Rees-Mogg. Well, I never had an argument with him but I guess he might start acting like this.

Sad we cannot have a heart-to-heart-talk
Why can't you?
Would he agree to counselling?
Do you have DC?

You also say... Well, he is never really emotional but typically he is quite nice
QUITE NICE! Do you really to spend the rest of your life with 'quite nice'?????

Why we cannot have a heart-to-heart-talk? Because like many men he is not like that. When I said quite nice I actually meant to say I like him a lot. English is not my native language. He is brave and loyal and smart, educated, hardworking.
We have four DC. He does not want MC.

Hi

what is MC? I looked this up on mumsnet acronyms and it's miscarriage.

I was talking about marriage counseling ;)

How I behave during an argument? Well, first I try to explain why I think the way I do. I try to stay nice and friendly but after a while I get annoyed by his snobby behaviour and start being mean myself.

But I wonder how HE would describe you during an argument. Not how you describe yourself, during an argument.

My point being, I bet he doesn't like your attitude very much during an argument.

It's hard to see if he is a total dick. Or you just don't like the other attitudes when arguing. I mean, if his family can be snobby and he can be.......You have always known this and married him anyway. Why is it a main issue for you now? Is it getting worse?

Thank you confused. I'm quite new here so don't know all the acronyms.

I think he sounds like a dick (sorry, can't think of a better word right now). For example, you saying that the bathroom is cold isn't starting an argument, is it? His response is to shut you down and tell you your feelings are wrong and over time you'll feel anxious about speaking up, same about the French word!

I used to get into tit-for-tat arguments with my exH , he'd say something unkind, for example he'd make fun of my job, and i got to the point where rather than confront him I'd come back with a slight against him, and say things in a cruel sarcastic way which wasn't me at all. I'm much happier now and no one cuts me down like that.

Sounds like you need to talk to him about how he's acting! If he sees it in himself, he can change. If he doesn't see it you'll have to decide if you want to put up with it.