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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Long Distance abroad 2 years

23 replies

zoeyjaynewales · 29/11/2018 20:20

Hey,

I am probably just being really silly but just need to get it out and have an outsiders view.

Me and my partner have been together for a year and are already long distance with 140 miles between us, though we see each other every friday-monday. I have a daughter from a previous marriage and she has just started school this year and he has no children.

We had made plans that when i finish my qualification in July, me and my daughter would move to him and move in together.

Anyway now my partner has told me that he is going to work in Denmark for 2 years for work and will be leaving in a couple of months. I know this is a amazing opportunity for him and would never want to stand in the way.

My problem is i just can not stop this horrible clenching feeling in my stomach about the distance and time length. I just can't seem to stop thinking the worse even though i know it would never happen.

My ex husband cheated and this has messed me about. My partner before me was in a relationship for 6 years with a girl he lived with as soon as they started dating and before that he dated a girl for 4 years which a year in he went to uni 3 hours away from her and cheated on her for the next 3 years but he was very young and i need to keep reminding myself that.

Like i said i am probably being stupid but all the fears are getting to me and i am already so heartbroken about the distance that will happen, although we are already long distance we will go from seeing each other weekly to every other month.

OP posts:

DianaT1969 · 29/11/2018 20:32

Bumping for you OP.
I think you need to ask him frankly how he feels and whether his future plans include you. Otherwise you might waste precious time waiting for him. Would you have taken a job in Denmark knowing that he had to stay here? If the answer is no, then you may be more invested than he is.

Original poster

zoeyjaynewales · 29/11/2018 20:38

Thank you DianaT1969,

He says that he won't find anyone else and that he can only see a future with me and that he loves me. He say's that the plans will just be delayed for 2 years and that this opportunity is great for both of our futures.

Personally i would not off taken a job in a different country especially for 2 years, maybe 6 months-1 year. He is doing the same job for the same company now just its a great opportunity for him to work in their Denmark HQ apparently and will help him work up the ranks when he comes back he says.

OP posts:

mindutopia · 29/11/2018 20:43

I think it may be different because you are probably older than I was at the time (late 20s/30) and you have your dd. But my dh and I were in this exact situation. We lived in the same city for a year (both of us working abroad at the time), then I had to move half way around the world due to professional commitments I made before I met him. We lived an 11 hour flight from each other for the next 2 years. We saw each other about 4 times a year. It was hard, not on our read we were really committed and solid, but it just sucked to not have a normal life together. I finally could move to be with him about 3 months before we got married. We’ve been together 10 years now, 2 dc, and are very happy.

I wouldn’t want to do it again but I do genuinely think it made our relationship even more solid than it already was. We had loads of time to just talk and plan for the future. My exes all cheated on me and dicked me around too. But I think what made it doable was that we were both really sure going into it what the future held. It also set a good precedent that my dh respected my carand supported me to take big opportunities when they came along.

If you really are devoted to each other, it’s totally doable, especially as Denmark is so close. But sounds like it’s a good excuse to have those conversations and figure out what you both what your future to be like.

Original poster

zoeyjaynewales · 29/11/2018 20:51

I am 23 and my partner is 26.

It is very reassuring to hear a story where things worked well even which such a massive distance between each other, like yours and your partners.

The idea that it made you stronger and more solid helps a lot as my fear is us drifting away as well as many other things. I am extremely supportive of his career in pharmaceuticals and always will be which is why i said if this is what he wants then i will support him but i want to make sure my concerns are at least listened too.

We have spoke about marriage and everything and children in the past but just kind of feels like everything has been put on pause and he says we will discuss it all when he comes back. So i just feel like we have no future plans as it feels like he no longer wants to make any till he is back.

OP posts:

mermaidbutmytailfelloff · 29/11/2018 21:58

If you book flights at the right times they can be REALLY cheap to Copenhagen, so a weekend together might be quite doable relatively often.

Original poster

zoeyjaynewales · 29/11/2018 22:01

i would only be able to go during school holidays due to my daughter and also me working in a school environment and i wouldn't be able to take my daughter due to name complications with getting a passport, so until my husband divorces me which he is refusing too i am able to get her a passport, i have already tried.

OP posts:

fuddle · 29/11/2018 22:23

Can you do some digging and find out whether he really has to go etc? I know you don't want to stand in his way but this relationship may not be for you if you hardly get to see each other.

Original poster

zoeyjaynewales · 29/11/2018 22:29

he doesn't have to go he could work his way up from the London HQ but he wants to go to learn about how the HQ works in Denmark he says ts a great opportunity and that it be amazing to experience another culture. Which i do agree with all of this it is an amazing opportunity and experience and i really want to be able to be 100% supportive but i just can't help the way i am feeling.

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 29/11/2018 22:59

Why don’t you just divorce your husband then, instead of letting him dick you about?

I applied for my daughter’s passport and don’t remember their being any issue at all - she has her father’s surname not mine, and we both had/have PR. What’s the issue?

Ellisandra · 29/11/2018 23:00

*there

Ellisandra · 29/11/2018 23:03

In the last year with you only seeing each other on weekends, who has been doing the travelling? That can be an indication of relative commitment, and whether it’s worth staying in it for the next phase of long distance. What has he said about how you’d see each other in future?

Original poster

zoeyjaynewales · 29/11/2018 23:14

I have solicitors and I can’t divorce him as I sit. Have his address and until we reach 5 years separation which won’t be till January 2020 I will need his signiture. The name is because my daughters birth certificate is signed in my married name but it turned out I legally never changed my name to my married name so now I need a divorce certificate to show legal change of name to maiden name otherwise her birth certificate is classed as a void document already been to passport office for meeting to discuss it.

I drive to him one weekend then he drives to me the next it’s very equal in driving sense

OP posts:

Original poster

zoeyjaynewales · 29/11/2018 23:14

As I don’t have his address*

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 29/11/2018 23:49

Can’t you divorce of grounds of unreasonable behaviour instead of separation?

Then you don’t need his ageeement to proceed. You only need to serve papers, and if you don’t know his address (and satisfy the court that you have tried all reasonable steps to find him) then I think you can use Form D13B to request the court to dispense with the requirement to serve.

I don’t think you can consider your boyfriend to be delaying marriage talk for 2 years because of his move, when did over a year you’re not even going to have started the divorce process. So you can’t think about marriage anyway!

I’m sorry about your ex - what an arsehole, doing a disappearing act on your daughter

pissedonatrain · 29/11/2018 23:52

There are ways to find his address. Much easier than before internet.

Just wondering if your current DP discussed this opportunity with you before taking it?

Kescilly · 29/11/2018 23:54

Personally I’d be a bit concerned that he doesn’t want to discuss future plans anymore. I’ve been in a few long distance relationships and they wouldn’t have survived without shared long term goals. If we hadn’t decided on a plan together, and continued to discuss it, I wouldn’t have felt secure in investing so much into the relationship.

In terms of cheating, distance doesn’t make someone do it. I feel like you either trust each other or you don’t. Someone who isn’t interested in cheating doesn’t start just because they suddenly have the opportunity.

Thankyounext · 30/11/2018 08:28

Has your new partner met your daughter?

It doesn’t sound ideal tbh as two years is a long time further complicated by your messy divorce situation.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/11/2018 09:34

even though i know it would never happen
This is something you can't possibly know.
What if he meets someone out there and stays.
You'll have wasted 2 years waiting.
I'm not sure what the answer is though.

fuddle · 30/11/2018 20:35

I think he has chosen this over you. He doesn't have to go he just wants to so he's placed that over your relationship. I'm all for supporting a partner etc but it doesn't look good.

littlenicky61 · 30/11/2018 20:44

Maybe a compromise is needed. Can he not go for 1 year instead of 2 seeing as this is his choice and not compulsory. Will he be able to visit often at weekends if your daughter cant travel and If flights are cheap . Skyping is great too .

PersonalM0Tee · 01/12/2018 01:55

You are both young. He would be silly not to take this opportunity to work in another country. You have your daughter and cannot easily move to another country. Both of you may want different things in 2 years time.

pissedonatrain · 01/12/2018 04:10

I wouldn't wait. Life your life the way you want. You are very young and have your entire life ahead of you.

AgentJohnson · 01/12/2018 18:31

I think your original plan to move you and your daughter miles away to be with a man who you’ve been In a long distance relationship with was very risky. His decision to go to Denmark is about him and his ambitions but it’s sold to you as him working towards a shared future to shut down discussion.

I know it’s hard but it doesn’t sound like that this relationship is a good fit and the lack of discussion about something supposedly for your shared futures, is very worrying.

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