If your husband . . .

[MooominMamma]

. . . had no opinion on whether you worked on saving your marriage or separated, what would you think?

They've already checked out of the marriage

That he didn't give a shit, unfortunately.

He gives zero fucks and hopes you’ll stfu

Thanks for the replies, you've confirmed what I was thinking.

Depends. Could they be depressed? I only ask because one of my friend's DH has been struggling for a long time and he is being a bit 'I probably still love you' and I genuinely think it's because he can't see the wood from the trees due to MH issues.

If someone is well in themselves then yes I think they have checked out and it would be the end of the road.

Thanks Orca, he's definitely well in himself, myself, not so much. He's never been great at showing his feelings but I would expect him to know whether he actually wants to work on saving our marriage or not. I guess I've known for a little while that it's over but didn't want to be the 'bad guy' in actually ending it.

Have you had or asked for counselling

He doesn't care, does he?

Yes, it's clever, isn't it? Because that attitude effectively ends the relationship, but he gets not to look like the bad guy.

I have suggested counselling several times in the past Pain, which he has agreed to but it has never actually happened.

Very clever Charlotte, I've had a notion for a while that he had checked out but hadn't wanted to look like the bad guy.

Book a session and say I’ll see you there
If you need any other proof that is

Yep, book a counselling session and give him the time of it, no doubts then.

I think a lot of people are very keen that other people (outside the marriage) think that they're hard done to.

Is he usually a bit of a martyr?

And I agree with others, that he's checked out. Are you happy with him generally?

Hollow in general I thought I'd been relatively happy over the last 11 years, we've had our ups and downs as with any relationship but recently the ups have not been lasting. A couple of weekends ago I drunkenly broke down and told my brother that my marriage was in trouble and he told me that he was surprised I hadn't ended it years ago. This was an eye opener for me tbh.

This has been my experience. Asked him to attend counselling with me four times - that was my limit. I've come to the conclusion, with the help of my own personal counsellor, that he is inadequate. He said he wouldn't change, that any problem was my problem and that I should take meds.
I'm so sorry that you are in the same situation. It's cruel, because it leaves you in limbo, and makes you feel worthless.
You can get through it, but you have to prioritize yourself, take small steps, and take whatever help you are offered to leave the relationship. You deserve better, and to be respected and loved.
I still have the occasional difficult day, and still have the divorce to petition and get through. But, I am happy now and with an unexpected new bf. Best wishes to you.

Sorry you are going through this Moomin

Honestly sounds like he doesn't care enough and doesn't deserve you

Does it feel a bit like a blurred situation is suddenly horribly clear?

It does Jacks, I just don't know whether to tell him to leave now or after Christmas. We have two children, DS9 and DS6. I know I should have mentioned this in my OP, I didn't want to dripfeed but don't feel the fact that we have children makes a difference on this one, if anything it just makes it clearer that he's already checked out, he didn't even want to try for them, not that that would have been ok. Anyway, I'm rambling.

Just get Christmas out of the way
Now is not the right time