I think I'm a sadistic nutter

[EverythingHappens4aReason]

Been dating on and off for a few years, mostly weekends, keeping families separate etc but this time it's different. Within weeks I'd met his family, he's met my kids, we speak every day I think about him all the time and I'm like a teenager waiting for him to text.
I've become obsessed with " not ruining things" I'm constantly trying to not be too distant, too needy, If I ring him too often, he's been home from work half an hour why hasn't he rang. I can't believe I'm going to admit this but I cried for nearly an hour last night in case he thinks it's not working. I'm a psycho who's going to scare him off!!!!
Why can't I just step back and enjoy it??!!

I don't know but for now I'd keep the kids separate and just enjoy it.

Why do you think you're a sadist? (Do you actually know what sadist means?)

Do you think you're a little bit desperate? Sorry but that's how your post comes across to me

Not a sadist, but seems like a mini obsession.

It is hard in a new relationship finding that balance between being too needy and not attentive enough. Just ask him what he thinks?

Cuttingthegrass that's exactly how I feel and it's not like me at all

Shesaysgoes I thought of that but it wouldn't it be like I don't want to sound needy but do you think I'm needy

He's met your kids within weeks?
You're not a sadist (wtf) but you are behaving crazy. This is really crap parenting choices.

How old are my kids?
Did I ask you to comment on my parenting choices?

You do sound about 16 OP, you don't even now the guy, you've only known him weeks, and sorry but you do come across as I have a man, I need to keep him at all costs; I get you like him a lot but calm down fgs, wait and see what happens.

You posted on mumsnet

You're not sadistic but you're immature for sure.

Hmm I think you already have these critical voices in your head, not sure that's what you were looking for. Did you just need to say it out loud?
Me too, i get a little crazy. Good that you're keeping the kids separate, I'm sure deep down and overall you are making good choices. But there's the needy girl inside isn't there and she just wants to scream out 🤣
My strategies: reflect on it, steer into the skid as it were and enjoy it, let the crazy out in a controlled way (suppressing it won't help) like practicing your signature with his surname (then burning the notebook), then let yourself take baby steps risks, tell him how you feel in a way that's just a little outside your comfort zone. Keep your sense of empathy for him - it will keep you grounded in how you would like to be treated without bending yourself completely to his will.
You've probably felt this way before, you might feel it again in future. Admit the possibility it might not work but that might not be your "fault" so you might as well just be you and hope for the best.
Good luck 😁