Childhood and not being able to show affection with parents but can with anyone else?

[usder8900002]

Just want an outlet really.

If someone had asked me about my childhood a few years ago i would have said i was the problem child, jealous, angry, clingy, just terrible and my parents were long-suffering.

now i think the complete opposite. aside from the smacks and the kicks here and there which were probably quite normal (im mid 30s), my parents have never allowed me to have proper feelings in their presence.

just last month i had a horrible break up. my mum's primary concern was "dont let it ruin christmas for us all" and "can we just have a normal conversation now."

i get she's not required to be my support as an adult. but this is an example of how it was always as a child.

i went through a phase of really not liking them. theyre not awful people though and theyve been good to me in many ways.

just struggling to come to terms with the fact i can never bare my emotions with them (this is also the case with showing affection - i can show affection to anyone, i just struggle to show it with them) and that they will never really know me fully. i can cry to a friend, talk in a heartfelt way about something in the news, or something thats happened at work, i can be sentimental. i seem to lose all of this part of me when i am around my parents. makes me feel shit and confused.

Its not you, its your parents. They were not good parents towards you when you were growing up and they seemed all too fond of hitting you also. They also never allowed you to show your feelings and that is not ok either. Your parents behaviours were not really acceptable back then and it certainly is not acceptable nowadays (particularly with regards to your kicks here and there comment).

It is not your fault your parents are like this, you did not make them that way. What if anything do you know about their own family background, chances are it was chaotic and emotionally stunted as well. Its no excuse however, for how you have been treated by them.

What are your boundaries like with regards to your parents?. How can these be raised?. It sounds like they gave you material things but emotionally they were and remain sadly lacking. I would look at and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages and read the resources on there.

thanks. they each had difficult childhoods for different reasons.

i have sort of accepted that my childhood wasnt as it seemed and i look back at it rather differently now.

attila how could you tell that they gave me all material things? (just interested!)

they did. i had everything i needed in that sense. they often throw that back in my face and say they gave up everything and if it wasnt for us they could be living in x size house or could be travelling to more places than they do.

boundary wise, i am in contact and see them every few weeks. i actually dont mind this.

i have had various instances in the last few years though where i have allowed myself to depend on them for something (for example i asked if they could come to my house a few years ago one sunday because i felt so terrible about life - job, money, other half workings away - they said they couldnt because they wanted to browse selfridges and the selfridges in my town wasnt big enough so they were going to one in another city, the opposite way, similar distance). i personally find that a bit shitty, maybe i expect too much from them. but in that sense now my boundaries are very high and i speak to friends in moments like the one described above.

just to add when i asked them to come over it was probably the first time in well over a year i had said i needed them - it is not as if it happened on a regular basis.

I have a family member like this. She didn’t receive any validation for her feelings and so doesn’t know how to do the same for others. She also acts from emotion (not always a bad thing, I’m emotional!) but isn’t aware of it at all. Is completely detached from them. I’ve come to realise it’s a trauma defensive mechanism and just accept she is who she is for a reason. If she cares for my children (she is considerate and caring and fun, so not a bad person at all) then I have to plan the same length of time afterwards to let them ‘let out’ any negative emotions they felt whilst with her because she doesn’t let them express them at the time.

My parents weren’t emotionally literate either (still aren’t!). Only as an parent myself am I re-examining the ‘accepted wisdom’ of my childhood.

worriedmummy i am not sure i follow your post (me missing the obvious point probably!).

do you mean your family member is like my parents or like me?

i struggle so much expressing true sentimental emotions to my parents, but find it easy with other people, like partners and friends and colleagues. i sort of feel embarrassed to do it with my parents.

i maybe have too high expectations that are really unreasonable. i am just wary of letting them in too much now but as they often say, that could be all in my mind. i can be quite an anxious person!

I meant my family member is like your parents and dismissive of your (reasonable!) emotions.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. Empathetic listening is a basic thing I need from my close circle and what I also expect to give other too.

i can show affection and be very compassionate and listen to friends and partners, but with my paretns i feel awkward and embarrassed by being like this.

Probably because they haven’t ever reciprocated or responded appropriately. This is one of those it’s not you, it’s them things!