Hindsight! Your experiences?

[carrotflinger]

I've just come out of a five year relationship, posted a thread about this when he decided to do a flit just over three weeks ago.
I've had a lot of time to reflect and isn't hindsight wonderful.....
I thought the relationship was great and I really loved him (though we did break up previously because of him suddenly deciding he wanted out - had started whatsapping a couple of woman and wanted to meet up with them for "fun"). Nothing came of it and I ended up taking him back (stupidly) because he begged and promised it would never happen again.

So with hindsight I can see that so many problems in the relationship were caused by him being very selfish.
Also, he was bringing me down and knocking my confidence. I have become very socially anxious and I thought it was to do with my mother dying (just 3 months after this relationship began). Now I am thinking about various comments he made like "These people don't like the way you talk to them". "They don't understand your humour". "You shouldn't have turned up and chatted to my friends".
I am sure my anxiety is stemming from this - I'm barely able to talk to new people because I worry that they won't like the way I talk to them.

Also, he would repeat every bit of gossip from the village or any unpleasant comment that people had made about me or us. He told me everything his horrible family said about me about me being a slut and alcoholic. I now see that if he really loved me he would never have repeated the comments because he knew they would hurt.

He used stories of imaginary other women to upset me - not really imaginary women, real women, but his "friendship" with them was imagined. I have spoken to a couple of the women and I trust them - they said there was nothing in it at all. They barely knew who he was.

He complained whenever I bought new clothes or shoes and said it was a waste of money and asked why I needed new things while he spent a fortune on whatever he liked.

The worst thing was he has spent five years going on about how I was expecting too much and he had to have his freedom. I never stopped him doing anything but what I did expect was him to at least show me some respect and contact me to let me know what was happening, whether he would be home late or whatever.

So I feel mighty stupid now - I should have got rid long ago. He didn't respect me at all but I should have respected myself and not put up with this. I wondered if others had stories of how they were wise after the event and of seemingly innocuous behaviours which were actually designed to bring you down, make sure you were only available for him. I just want to not feel so alone and stupid.

Hindsight? Trust your gut, the age old MN mantra. What I've learnt? Never beg, you are always worth more and don't stick with someone who can't see you're wonderful, set them free.

For me, it's that you can't make someone else happy.

You can try and create an environment where they might be happy, but ultimately it's out of your control.

And never lose sight of your own needs.
That doesn't mean you need to put them front and centre at all times, but remember that if you have to put them to one side for a time, this should never be permanent.

Discontinued...

yes I think that is what has happened to me. I lost myself attempting to make him happy.
He complained about everything. Everyone hated him. He hated his family and his village and his work and everything else. He wanted to start a new life with me and for a while everything was wonderful... but only when I was dancing to his tune.
As soon as I said he ought to pull himself together and not let himself get miserable about his new life and new course he was doing, he suddenly finds some woman to strike up a whatsapp friendship with, everything I did or said was terrible and then he did a flit.

I will never again let myself get lost in a relationship.

I'm not so sure it is hindsight.

I had 2 previous shit relationships before meeting my lovely DP.

Both times there were red flags - mostly small initially - that I let go by because 'he apologised, I'm sure it won't happen again', 'it's not so bad really'...then further down the line 'we've been together for x years I don't want to throw it all the way, we can work on this' (except it was just me putting the work in really).

Once I learn to trust my gut instinct, not get carried away, and be absolute in my boundaries, life got better.

I suppose that could be deemed hindsight in a way, but for me it's more so that some of us don't pay attention to red flags simply because we don't want to, and are caught up in the moment and the relationship.

It can be hard to admit that foresight is as important as hindsight

I think my hindsight is “when someone tells you who they are, believe them!”

I overlooked a lot and also looked for damaged people to heal or fix because I thought “if I don’t love him who will? Someone has to give him a chance.”

Now I’m looking for a guy who is already emotionally healthy and available. Not someone who might be, one day, if I love him hard enough!

OP

I have a friend in a LTR with a dickhead. He's convinced her she's socially inept when actually she's one of the most likeable, engaging and socially skilled people I know. It's one of her biggest strengths and yet she's now self conscious about it. Very sad and frustrating to hear her describe herself as the opposite of what she actually is. Don't trust him and his silly opinions (not that he believed what he was saying, in all probability), it was always all about him and not you.

Try googling covert narcissism - does it fit?

velour that is exactly how I feel - I feel socially inept. I thought that the problem was my mother dying (I am sure it has contributed) but I am now convinced that the main cause has been his behaviour towards me. I never used to have a problem meeting new people and socializing.

MissBanner - yup, I've been had by a covert narcissist. I had only heard of narcissists before which didn't really apply to him but a covert narcissist is what he is.