How do I do this?

[Picoloangel]

DO and I have been together for 13 years but have never really been compatible in a number of ways. Every year or so we seem to reach a point where we feel we can’t go on but then can’t face splitting either and talk ourselves back into carrying on. I think it’s reached a point where it’s affecting us both in a really detrimental way and i know deep down that we would have gone our separate ways were it not for DD (8).

I am at a point where I think that she’s also being affected - DP and I pretty much live separate lives and bicker constantly, there’s no kindness at all from him to me and no affection between us. My fear is how a spilt will affect DD who is v v sensitive and likely to take this extremely badly. Added to all of this is that I think long term he would move further away which will also impact her in terms of things like going to more and longer hours of childcare and me having to cut my hours. I have a well paid and reasonably flexible job but realistically I could not continue as we are without DP living here or v nearby. He’s always said he would move away if we split.

This is incredibly selfish, I know, but I am also terrified at the prospect of not seeing DD every day and of separate Xmas and summer holidays. It would literally break my heart even though I know I would have to agree to it for her sake and DPs. DD will also struggle to be apart from me for longer than a couple of days at a time as we have never really spent time away from one another.

I am at a crossroads here and can’t bear to go through this one more time, worrying that we’ll spilt etc etc but I know it needs to change and we need to be apart. I am just overwhelmed by how all of our lives are going to change.

We have done the relationship counselling route and saw an excellenr therapist for a year but ultimately we don’t have shared values or aims and we are just sticking a plaster over a huge unhealable wound.

I was a child of a v v acrimonious divorce and feel it affected me terribly. This has always been my worst fear even though I know that it can be done so much better than my parents did it. I am heartbroken at the thought of what this is going to do to us all.

Sorry to hear you are going through this. How do you know your daughter won't be relieved of a separation? It's not easy listening to people that argue all the time.

Do you think she would be that surprised if you split? Does she have friends of divorced parents. It's common enough these days.

I think you need to sit her down and be honest. No one sounds happy in this setup :(

I think she will take it very badly though I take on board that there may be some relief. I think the day to day changes of her and I spending more time apart will have a huge effect on her though. She’s always been v clingy with me and whilst she has a v good relationship with DP it’s just not the same for her. I am v v keen for her to maintain a close relationship with DP but I feel that any reluctance on her part to be apart from me won’t sit well with him. He was pretty much absent as a parent for the first year of her life and beyond tbh- I got up with her every morning and put her to bed every night because he would not help me at all. He acknowledges this himself now but the effect of his leaving everything to me is that it forged a v v close relationship between DD and I. I can’t see a way around separating long term. I feel very guilty - like I chose badly and now DD has to live with the consequences 😞

OP, I wonder if you are projecting some of your own issues from your childhood, and your reaction to your parents’ divorce, onto your DD?
You are making an enormous number of assumptions about how DD would feel or how your future life would be arranged - but none of these are necessarily correct.
What sort of marriage do you think you are modelling for DD at present? Do you want her to grow up thinking that your marriage is normal? Do you want her to pick a marriage like this?
If you and your partner are incompatible and unhappy, and counselling has not resolved it, then you don’t really have a relationship any more, you just have a war zone or an armed truce.
Surely splitting would be a relief all round, including for DD.
It’s up to her and her dad what sort of future interaction is right for them. Although it sounds as though he wasn’t that bothered to put in the spadework, to be honest.
I think you should stop overthinking and speculating, and simply put this marriage out of its misery, leaving both of you free to seek more suitable partners or to be happier alone.

Babdoc
I think I am definitely projecting my issues. My Dad abandoned us and we have never had a normal relationship with him. I actually feel I could and would want to maintain a friendship with DP. Your point about DD thinking this is a normal relationship has troubled me greatly over the years and I think you’re right.
I am a terrible over thinker and my own v difficult childhood has left me wanting to give DD a perfect one...which of course I’m not.

It is a difficult place to be. But as other have said you know you are not setting the right example for your dd

All you can hope is that her father does all the right things. Sees her regularly. And keeps in touch when he doesn't.

As time goes on the time the children are not with you gets bearable. My ex left to live with ow on New Year's Day. And although it won't be the same. I'm feeling ok about the children being there for the few days over Christmas. They are here the am and that was the only thing I was not flexible on.

It doesn't sit well with me they will go to his family and play happy families without me. But I except that it is best for the children and I will wave them off and tell them to have a great time.

Time heals and we adjust. It is not the same but it becomes ok.

That is not a normal and stress free environment to raise a child, you are actually both doing her harm; it's no role model whatsoever and will make her anxious and on edge and go onto to repeat the same relationship, it sounds joyless, and you have to treat it as if she was not there, you would have walked by now.

You need to split OP, the logistics can be worked out later; she will grow, you will get used to her visits with her dad; everyone else has managed it?

His threat to move away if you split is pathetic; what a lovely dad he sounds not.

I'd get on with it because I couldn't carry on putting an innocent child through this, she is seeing a toxic relationship every day of her life, she does not deserve to be dragged along in the mess.

eve34

I am so sorry that you DH left you in those circumstances, what a terrible shock.

Thank you for your kind and wise words - they have painted a more positive picture at a negative time.

@Picoloangel thank you for your kind words. It hasn't been easy in anyway. But you just take each day as it comes. You are stronger than you think you are. And I know that it will be easier in time.

Gather good people around you and let them help you. Happy to chat anytime. I have a lot of free time on my hands 😀

You can't control what he does if you split, but can only hope he makes the effort to nurture his relationship with your dd. It's on him.

It'll be a better home environment for her if you split and you might find her anxiety/sensitivity diminishes out of the shadow of your failing relationship.

It is hard when they're away from you, but you do get used to it and start to enjoy it.

You’re dd is sensitive for a reason.
She doesn’t feel happy and safe because it’s not a happy safe environment.
And when I mean safe, I just mean that feeling that you’re all ok, and you’ve all got each other’s back, and even if there are arguments there is still a love between everyone.

It’s very hard being a child in uncertainty, because you’re not an adult, so you don’t really understand, but all you really want is to feel safe.

You’re not giving that. But lots of people don’t and it’s pretty common.

It’s up to you how you want to deal with this. Most people just think it’s all ok. Two parents are better etc. Selfishly don’t want to share their child etc.

I’m sure you know this, but a child is a human, and even though they are a child they know and feel lots of things