MNHQ here: new survey and video about coercive control

[NiamhMumsnet]

Hello

We wanted to let you know that a new Mumsnet survey is being released today. It marks 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence, and is being run in partnership with Women’s Aid and Surrey Police.

38% of the survey respondents say they have been in a controlling or abusive relationship* with a partner. Yet, despite the high numbers who acknowledge that have been in a controlling or abusive relationship, only half (51%) of respondents are aware that coercive control became a criminal offence in 2015. You can read all about the survey here.

Together with Woman’s Aid and Surrey Police we’ve also made a video about coercive control called , featuring testimonies from survivors.

Let us know what you think of the survey and .

If you’re worried that your relationship, or that of someone you know, is controlling or abusive, you can contact the Freephone 24 hr National Domestic Violence Helpline, run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge, on 0808 2000 247 or visit womensaid.org.uk. If you are in immediate danger, always dial 999.

Thanks
MNHQ

Very well put together. Very informative.

Thank you for producing such an attention-grabbing video.

Great

Brilliant. The point that resonates with me is the Hart brothers saying their dad was a different person in company. I think this is a fact most people don't realise.

Thank you for this, MNHQ. I hope the conference was successful (today?) and that this is the beginning of the end of da in all it's forms, including non-payment of CM....

Fantastic campaign. Thanks MN

Great that you are drawing attention to this. So very common yet often the perpetrator appears lovely to everyone outside the home. Needs to become unacceptable to treat someone in this way.

Thank you for this.. I have shared it in the hope that a close family member reads it.

It might be worth stating here that the coercive control law applies in England and Wales.
In Scotland it will come into effect in the new year.
The police do take domestic abuse seriously though and will have received training from Scottish women's aid in the past.

Brilliant video. Offers great advice and support.

I started my own thread in Relationships

It says: I think this should be "..almost 4 in 10 Mumsnet users WHO RESPONDED TO A SURVEY say they have been in a controlling or abusive relationship" (nb I am talking about the 'headline' on the MN home page, not what you've said in this thread.)

It was a self-selecting group and the results have not been weighted.
While I think it's absolutely right to raise awareness and get people talking (and doing something) about coercive control, I think it is equally important to report statistics correctly.

Also the URL www.mumsnet.com/relationships/coercive-control has a in the opening paragraph (controlling or abusive relationship with a partner" but there is no corresponding * to explain what this means on that page.

Very welcome video, drawing attention to a hugely important subject.

My one point of feedback would be that there is a danger in referring to domestic abuse as gender-based violence, and in not recognising any male survivors in the video, the survey, or the accompanying publicity, you may risk continuing to discourage men who have been on the receiving end of abuse from coming forward. To be fair, the voice over in the video generally refers to partners rather than using "he" or "she", but it's the mood music of the language around it, and the absence of male survivors' voices that risks suggesting to those who are still living with abuse that their experience is somehow "less than" that of female survivors.

It is always worth remembering that 1 in 3 people on the receiving end of domestic abuse are men. And that those men are far less likely than women to tell anybody about the abuse they are experiencing. And the mood music around this can often marginalise those men, and leave them feeling that they are not entitled to the same help and support as women survivors - even the Government's strategy for tackling domestic abuse is called "ending violence against women and girls".

So, I'd encourage you to be more gender inclusive when you produce materials on this. But, other than that, good job in drawing attention to this important change in the law.

A step in the right direction, but given women are often very at risk when they try to leave an abusive relationship and it is not unknown for the courts to enforce continued contact with children, which gives men another avenue to exercise control, there is still much to do. Maybe we should have a "see it, say it, sorted" approach to this type of abuse. I would also like to get rid of the use of the term domestic violence, there is nothing "domestic" about violence and abuse.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad, important to remember that ONS stats show only 6% of male homicide victims are killed by a partner / ex, and of these only one third are killed by a woman ( so men more likely to be killed by a male), whereas 44% of female homicides are by a partner / ex, of which 97% of women are killed by a male partner / ex.

When it comes to domestic abuse ONS state that about 40% are male victims. But "Domestic abuse" includes so many things like swearing at your partner, shouting and locking the person out. Obviously bad, these behaviours are unlikely to expose much difference between the sexes in a disfunctional relationship situation. Women are equally capable of agression.

A woman however will be more likely subject to extreme violence and murder at the hands of her partner to the extent that 2 women a week are murdered by their male partner when about 1 male a year is murdered by their female partner (and it has to be considered a self-defens

^ a self defence element is usually involved

I think it's great - thank you - and much needed.

One thing that I did notice: the three examples were all relatively extreme, and my fear is that those subjected to consistent, 'low-grade' coercion watch it and feel that what they're going through isn't as significant. Coercion doesn't need to involve threats to one's health, or life, and it can still be devastating in its effect.

Very well done MNHQ. Great that you are highlighting and educating people about this.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad Your post is in poor taste. Perhaps you’d like to take up the responsibility for male issues rather than suggesting women should.

MN isn't an exclusively female space.

No one said it was.

So SlightlyMisplaced isn't suggesting women should take up the responsibility for male issues. He's saying that DA against men should be mentioned in the survey/video. XH dropped out of uni because of the DA he was suffering from his then partner.

Hi, @LadyLapsang and @Qcng. I absolutely agree with you - the evidence is very clear that women are far more strongly at risk of extreme violence and murder at the hands of a partner or ex-partner than men. The statistics on the risks being carried by women there are truly terrifying. I'm certainly not detracting from that in any way with my comment - this video focuses on the changes in the law around coercive control, which can be towards the lower end of domestic abuse offending (at least initially). In most cases (whether the survivor or the perpetrator are male or female), that behaviour stops short of the extreme violence that you describe, but is still very damaging. That's why this campaign is so necessary, and in this instance, I think it is helpful to focus on the cases that do not result in that level of violence. We know that many victims of coercive control and 'lower end' domestic abuse fail to see that behaviour for what it is, or make excuses for their abuser's behaviour. That's easier to do when there aren't serious injuries - the survivor believes that the fault is theirs. So I believe it is enormously important with this sort of campaign to get across the message that behaviour doesn't have to result in bruises, broken bones, or serious injury to be abusive. Thats what's so helpful with this campaign, but it's also why I don't think you ought to dismiss male survivors simply because they're less likely to be killed.

@Imnotkitten - I'm not sure where you get the idea that I'm asking women to take responsibility for "male issues". I'm suggesting that we all - male or female - need to take responsibility for tackling the scourge of domestic abuse, wherever it is found. It's a vile crime, and I hope you'd agree that it's still a vile crime even if it's a man on the receiving end of it. This is a major campaign drawing attention to the issue, and my feedback was that it risks continuing the pattern that is often prevalent in the way that society talks about abuse, of marginalizing the experience of one third of those affected by it. That's all I said. As for doing something myself, I have done a range of fundraising activities for The Mankind Initiative, which supports male victims of domestic abuse and their children (excellent little charity, constantly sr risk of closing down because it just doesn't get much financial support). And I'm currently planning a full year of fundraising activities for a local domestic abuse charity that helps both male and female victims, and have expressed an interest in joining that charity as a trustee. As somebody who had been on the receiving end of domestic abuse, and knows the damage it can do to both men and women, I am passionate about tackling it, no matter what genitals the perpetrator or survivor possess. I don't see it as a "male issue" or a "female issue". It's a "people issue", that affects 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men during their lifetime.

Surely one point that needs to be addressed is the family courts failure to accept that children are at risk. Many people do not leave these relationships for fear of what may happen to the children whether that be mental and or physical harm or abduction to a different country.

Turning this important campaign issue into a "what about the men" thread within a day is profoundly depressing.

It reminds me of when Jessica Eaton set up Victim Focus and the huge amount of criticism she got for focusing on VAWG.

Eaton also established a male mental health charity and centre several years earlier and not one woman challenged her for concentrating her efforts on men.

Funny that