Does counselling work?

[l0ve]

My husband and I are trying counselling tomorrow to save our marriage. I want things to work out, he keeps saying he's 'broken' and that I need to be realistic.

I'm so scared that this won't help/work. I love him so much and don't want things to end.

Please share your experiences of counselling. Thank you.

Hi there, I can can only give experience from a one to one perspective but I feel it helps me. I look forward to it, it's a weekly time for myself to discuss any issues and evaluate myself. I then go home and get on with the day to day and try not to delve into anything discussed outside that time or it can take over.

I sometimes discuss with DH and find that during counselling it's easier to explain how I'm feeling. I've had a short break of 5 months and can really tell the difference.

In terms of joint counselling both you and your DH need to feel comfortable discussing things with the councillor and each other. If it works or not is really dependant on how honest you can be with each other and also how you react to that honesty in session and especially outside sessions.

It really sounds from what your dh says that he needs some crisis support for him!

Saying he's 'broken' is quite something. Is he getting support at all?

I wouldnt even start if he's in such a bad place, maybe further down the line once he's feeling stronger?

We I know a couple who had counselling before they got married and it really worked for them. But whatever you do, don't have counselling if there's any kind of abuse, emotional, financial or violence.

My dd went to counselling with her abusive ex as they wanted to find a good way to co-parent. He became more problematic as the weeks went on and attacked her one day. Next time they went to counselling the counsellor asked her why she had provoked him.

Counselling is all about the relationship - between you and the counsellor. I’m been blessed to know the greatest counsellor ever. She helped me through the breakup of my first marriage and helped us save my second. Go for yourself, whether together or separate.

I found it best to go by myself rather than with my dp. We did three together then I kept going alone and that’s where I really got value.

Thank you for all of your comments.

He says that he's broken as I've starved him of affection, and that something inside of him has died. I'm not great at showing affection, but I've told him things will change if he gives me a chance. He hasn't had any help previously, and this is the first experience of counselling for both of us.

He says that he loves me, but doesn't have romantic feelings towards me anymore (as a result of my lack of affection). He suggested separation, we then agreed to try counselling.

It kills me that I didn't listen when he brought up the lack of affection before. Since we mentioned separation I've been trying to show him affection, but he's been pulling away. How do we fix this if we don't try to be close/intimate with each other?

I don't know what to expect today with the counsellor. I've read that they give you exercises to complete after the session. I hope this works...

How long has he been bringing it up for and what type of affection is he asking for? Is it hugs, cuddles and kisses or is it just sex? Have you always not been affectionate or did that develop over time? Is there anything stopping you?

It's positive that you are going for counselling, it's a tool but can't guarantee that it will fix whatever is broken. You'll both have to work on that together or potentially apart.

I guess it's worth a shot but it does sound as there's a lot of work to do. Sometimes there's a better chance of reuniting if you separate rather than drag the relationship down to the gutter.

We were shagging like rabbits after one session, so it can work.

The fact he’s agreed to counselling is a really positive thing, he must want to give things a chance. Also you’ve realised your mistake in not listening to him earlier when he spoke about lack of affection. , Have you told him you wish you’d listened earlier?

Dh and I both had individual counselling because of childhood issues, and it also really helped our marriage, as we are much more aware of the importance of talking rather than keeping things inside.

Good luck today!

Counselling isn’t magic. Your H doesn’t sound overly invested and tbh, if he’s no longer feeling the relationship then there’s very little you can do.

However, If you have children together it could be a useful tool to help you better co parent by learning better communication.

You can’t save a marriage on your own. There must have been a reason why you didn’t listen to your H earlier?

What does he mean by affection is he doing now [pulling away] what you have done previously. Did you feel pestered for sex or anything to make you pull away earlier on, that stopped you wanting any form of affection feeling was only about the sex?

I do consider its very unusual for a bloke to pull away.

Maybe you could have separate sessions for a while before coming together for counselling as a couple?

Don't hesitate to find another counsellor if you don't click with this one. I've seen 5 different counsellors over the years, only two were any good. One of them saved my marriage. The others counsellors were just reciting generic textbook type stuff and trying to make my situation fit rather than really assessing my situation. Good luck.

Agree with previous poster about changing if you don’t click.
I think counselling can be really good. For me it’s a godsend.
I’ve done couples counselling twice with DP and it’s really helped us either by nudging us to remember why we’re in our relationship OR by helping us address our own (fairly complex) issues.
My advice is to find a really experienced counsellor (one that at least supervises other counsellors or ideally trains them).
It is good that your DH wants to go with you. It means he cares at least and that’s got to be worth something .

The bastard is having an affair.

Oh no! Just read your update. So sorry

Thank you. I've also suffered a family bereavement this weekend. I only found out by going through his emails (numerous hotel bookings). This has been going on for 6 months. I feel such an idiot. I've hit rock bottom.

So sorry to read this OP. You need to look after yourself in the first instance. 

It was so cruel to put me through counselling!! He gave me hope that things could be fixed, but has now admitted he went along with the counselling to allow himself the opportunity to discuss it. We only had one session, and the counsellor asked if there was anyone else and he said no. When was he going to admit it?? The other women is also in a relationship and looking to break things off. He panicked when he realised I'd found out her name, and begged me not to message her partner as apparently it will cause her a lot of aggravation and may mess up her house sale?? I'm so tempted to message the guy, but don't want to stoop to their level. They deserve each other.

I'm so tempted to message the guy, but don't want to stoop to their level

It's not stopping... it's providing him with knowledge to make a decision in his best interest.

You'd want to know if it was you.

That's true, but I feel so broken I don't think I can take anymore drama.

First, very sorry to hear this update.
Talk about take your feet from under you.

The OM should absolutely be told what his wife's up to,I'd want to know, everyone deserves that.

You certainly deserve better than this crap treatment. It's not just the betrayal, its all the stuff you go through whilst hea living his double life, with you worrying and trying to work out what's going on, and all the while he's been off shagging someone else.

So sorry 🙁

Why do ppl do this instead of addressing their own issues that lead them to this kind of behaviour, putting themselves first I guess