Slow burn dating. I only fancy people I know.

[cloudbusting42]

Just dipping my toe into online dating for the first time after the breakup of a LTR. I look at all these faces and profiles online but a bunch of strangers doesn't do it for me - I can't even summon the effort to make contact. All of my previous partners have been friends or (distant) colleagues who I've slowly grown to like through shared interests and values. Now I'm in my 40s the pool of eligibles has shrunk and I'm also a lot more discerning than when I was last dating in my 20s.

Does this chime with anyone else? How do you go about finding a partner when there are no singles in your social circle. Did anyone else get turned onto OLD after a shaky start?

No advice I'm afraid, but I'm exactly the same. I don't want to hang out with someone I don't know although clearly I will never get to know someone if I don't meet them first!! I don't know any single men and work in pretty much a female only environment. Luckily, I'm v happily single, but when I did look at OLD post divorce it just left me cold. Maybe just bite the bullet and go for it anyway and see how it goes?

I've always done the opposite of everyone's advice, and that is to talk for a good while before meeting. To my mind, the point of meeting quickly is to assess physical attraction but I am more attracted to personalities. Therefore I would rather chat to someone a while first. So I'd exchange a few messages online, if I liked the sound of them then maybe progress to whatsapp. Then phone calls. Chatting on the phone is also a great way of weeding out people who are in a relationship as they will avoid phone calls at all cost! Or only be available at very specific times! People also show their personalities quite quickly in this way. For example with one guy I realised he only ever wanted to talk about himself and never asked me questions about me. He lived two hours away so meeting him would have been a complete waste of my time. I don't ever feel attracted to photos either but I do see some photos where I think "that's a definite no". So, if an "ok" guy messages me and I like his initial chat, I'll take it further. Sadly that isn't happening much these days I must admit! My bar is very high now.

Have you heard of demisexuality?

I tried online dating. Not for me. Felt the same as you.

I was quite lucky though. Bumped into Dp in my best friends kitchen. He is her relative and lived far away, so we hadn't met up till then.

I would rather wait that do OLD again.

widen your social circle, go to events, talk to people you see out and about? hobbies? volunteer?

Have you thought about doing some MeetUp stuff and see what happens there?

Also have you considered using a dating site that brings common interests together, like Muddy Matches, Classic FM, Christian/Muslim/Jewish dating (if applicable), Guardian Soulmates, Times Encounters, Planet Rock.

I’m in the exact same boat. I met my ex of almost 4 years whilst we were studying for our MAs. It took me almost 6 months of seeing him everyday for up to 12 hours a day to realise I’d fallen for him!

There is someone who is really interested in me but he’s also a slow burner - it took three years for him to decide to make an effort to date me and three years for me to realise I really wasn’t interested in pursuing a relationship.

I’m almost 35 and my biological clock is loudly ticking. I don’t meet a lot of single, straight, sound guys my own age. I have loads of hobbies but haven’t met anyone so far.

I think online dating is my only option but the idea really scares me. I like to get to know someone as a friend first. It would take me months to feel comfortable enough to have sex with them. All this 3rd date business scares me off.

A few years ago a total stranger approached me at church and asked me to have coffee with him. He was handsome and seemed decent but my instant response, in my head at least, was “NO! I DON’T KNOW YOU!!!”. A male friend pointed out that’s exactly why the guy had asked me for coffee...to get to know me better. Since then several people who know him have approached me to tell me what a lovely man he is and how crushed he was that I turned him down and I really regret saying no. I wish I could be different and take more chances but I’m risk averse when it comes to men.

Definitely at the point of giving up so watching this thread closely for answers!

Some great advice here for someone a bit freaked out by the prospect of dating a STRANGER. I do get the vicious circularity of it - I don't want to get to know a stranger so they stay, well, a stranger. Advice from Storm might just be the push I need to break the cycle.

Another issue with approaching not-friends in the offline world is how the hell do you know if they're single? I did a quick survey in a boring meeting the other day and the correlation between married colleagues and those wearing wedding rings was v. weak! I guess you just make enquiries, right?

And thanks to Budgie I spent a very enlightening half hour learning about the sexual spectrum. Thinking of using Panromantic Demisexual as my OLD handle. Or not.

I’m exactly the same! It’s hard isn’t it. Especially as by the time I have slow-burned my way into feelings, I’m pretty much always in the friend zone

No advice but I'm exactly the same. I just cannot fancy somebody until I know them properly. I am never attracted to anyone based on an initial meeting so then I think well, what's the point.