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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Where are all the decent guys?

26 replies

OneTwistedAngel · 28/11/2018 16:20

Argh I'm so sick of the dating scene!
I meet a nice guy or get chatting to a promising one online and guarantee there is always a deal breaker to follow!
After chatting away for a month turns out the latest one is addicted to cannabis 🙄
Previous one had a child he spoke about (not a deal breaker) but turns out he has choosen not to see him for 2 years (definite dealbreaker)
One before that couldn't keep a job. He had several in the 2 months I knew him.
My sister even tried to set me up with a guy who had just got out prison for manslaughter 😞
I'm by no means perfect but I think I'm ok looking, own my house, no addiction issues or criminal history and have a decent career. I just want a guy who is the same!

OP posts:

Orange6904 · 28/11/2018 16:37

Yeah it's not easy is it. I'd like to know too.

ChillyAutumnMorning · 28/11/2018 16:54

Still married..?

SonataDentata · 28/11/2018 17:06

A close friend told me something recently that really resonated with me: “It’s not that your standards are too high; it’s that they’re not high enough!” You will get what you’re willing to settle for.

The early stages of dating should allow you to weed out men who don’t see their children/smoke weed regularly/can’t hold down a job (if those things are important to you) much earlier than a month or two in. I suggest having a good read of the excellent Baggage Reclaim website (especially the posts on red and amber flags in dating) and being more choosy in whom you are chatting/going on dates with. Even if you don’t meet a partner - I haven’t yet - you’ll be ridding your life of a whole lot of bullshit and wasted time.

ferando81 · 28/11/2018 17:46

To a degree men /women are like commodities-the good ones tend to be snapped up .You might get a good one who hasn't been snapped up but most likely they will have some baggage from previous relationships (commitments ,financial responsibilities ,emotional trauma)

Justamumma · 28/11/2018 17:50

I guess im the lucky one, have an amazing husband, wouldnt change him for the world! Keep looking, there are good ones out there. I promise 💗

thisusernameisrubbish · 28/11/2018 18:00

How long are you talking to these guys before meeting them? You mentioned about talking to one before a month and then finding out his weed habit. I find the best way to know if someone is potentially worth your time is to speak to them for a week and meet then, a maximum of 2 weeks chat before meeting. Any more than this and it's just too much investment when you don't even know if they're worth it.

Also, I have had the same issues as you. I recently matched and was talking with this guy who seemed lovely. He was a dad which is fine as I have kids. Anyway went on his Instagram as it was linked to Tinder, and his ex wife had responded to one of his photos saying how he was a total narcissist, how he had scarred his young daughter 'for life' with his actions he had made the following weekend...and I saw the guy I was talking to had just responded to this message with a thumbs up emoji. Says it all really!

I do believe as others say that a lot of the good ones are snapped up, but there are still some good guys out there just like there are some good women out there. Have faith, keep your standards high and the moment you feel like it's depressing you more than it's worth it take a break and focus on YOU again. The men will always be there, I just took a 3 month break and joined last weekend and have found I've really missed out on nothing.

BettyCrook · 28/11/2018 18:09

yep came to say good ones are taken, often even from as early as meeting in uni, long term relation, marriage 5 or even 10 years later etc.

could you take a course or volunteer or join a club or something? just to widen your social network in general.

Why does your sister think an ex con is suitable for you? maybe look at the vibes you give off as well.

Investor567 · 28/11/2018 20:24

Here here here im single 😂😂 sorry for hijacking the thread but im single and looking for long term 😊 find me someone please 😎

trojanpony · 28/11/2018 20:31

Some good advice on here

I agree with sonatadentata and thususernameisrubbish - 3-7 days messaging then a face to face. It is the quickest way to weed timewasters and low quality men out.

I’d also consider relaxing unimportant criteria (eg super nice teeth, super tall, must be same age to +5years etc) and focus on finding someone who is a good egg who you fancy who makes you laugh

maximumcarnage · 28/11/2018 20:36

I’m single. And I’ve no criminal record. Oh and no secret kids. No drugs. I do like cake. Cake could be a deal breaker.

SonataDentata · 28/11/2018 21:09

You might also find it useful to write out a list of “non-negotiables” and really interrogate it. Nothing shallow allowed (e.g. to do with height!) but to do with a man’s character and the way he treats you.

MadGentleman · 28/11/2018 22:15

OP: I agree with trojanpony and Sonata - obviously I don't know what your criteria are, however it's struck me as insane the amount of women who set their filters at 6ft+ only. 6ft isn't even average height. I'm 5ft 10 myself, which is hardly short, but even I'm put off even dipping my toe into online dating 'cos I suspect I won't match many on that alone.

pallasathena · 28/11/2018 22:21

There's plenty of decent blokes out there OP. There's equally, plenty of women who have low expectations, dodgy boundaries and minimal self esteem.
Guess who the dick heads go for?
And the lovely guys are left shaking their heads at the naivety/gullibility of the female of the species.
If you behave like a doormat...guess what? That's right! You're treated like a doormat.
Reality check anyone?

MrsPworkingmummy · 28/11/2018 22:25

I'm married to one!

apintofharpandapacketofdates · 28/11/2018 22:26

Watching with interest ... if you're a tall female the choice is even narrower (unless you're content to date shorter guys)

As for all the good ones being taken already ..... I'm a bloody great one who married someone well and truly manipulative, spiteful and passive aggressive....

Might as well retire to my lady cave now and quit while I'm behind 😂

Brel · 29/11/2018 00:59

if you're a tall female the choice is even narrower (unless you're content to date shorter guys)

I don’t see the issue really. I’m 6ft4, thinking back all my previous girlfriends average around 5ft6. I couldn’t have cared less about their height. I’m not saying you’re not entitled to use it as a criterion (every criterion is valid; wealth, hair colour etc…), it just makes things more difficult and limits your dating pool. Who knows one of these shorter guys might surprise you.

BettyCrook · 29/11/2018 06:26

OP could you post a list of your type and criteria? the kind of decent guy you are looking for? it might help clarify some things

mrbob · 29/11/2018 09:52

I am just holding out for when the divorces start :( I think all the nice ones are married so I will just have to hold out for the second round...
I hold out some hope. My very good friend met an absolutely LOVELY GORGEOUS man at 39 who is besotted with her (not in a weird way) and they are getting married soon. He is attractive, funny, fit, nice and has an excellent job. He may have been the last one though sorry...

fadehead · 29/11/2018 10:07

As mrBob said - I think there’s a ‘second round’ of divorcees 😂 I started dating again at 30, and the pool seemed to be men who’d never quite cut the apron strings or had proper LT relationships with lots of ‘issues’, or older men (45+) who were divorced but were out of my age range. However I struck gold at 32 and met the most beautiful man in every which way. He divorced youngish like me. They do exist (or maybe I found a unicorn!), but are definitely rarer in the 30s bracket I think. Things pick up again on the dating scene in the 40-50 age range, as the pool of people expands with divorcees. That’s what I’ve seen in my friendship/acquaintance circle anyway. I know it’s anecdata 😂

BettyCrook · 29/11/2018 10:49

Divorced guys may not want a commitment, second marriage or more/any children. Bit been there done that and now want some free fun.
They have a lot of baggage too. just see the step parents boards.....
Some people also become jaded, bitter or just simply need a while to recover from their divorce.

confuseddotcom2018 · 29/11/2018 11:02

I think there are a lot of decent guys who may not always fit in with our ideal ( physically) . I certainly met one but at the wrong time 😟. That certainly gave me hope .

BettyCrook · 29/11/2018 11:09

I think there are a lot of decent guys who may not always fit in with our ideal ( physically)
definitely this!

I think if you are looking for spark, amazing personality, looks, amazing prospects, good job, confident etc ...its very hard to find. There are way more eligible women than men and men tend to over estimate their eligibility rating.

Trinity66 · 29/11/2018 11:30

I'm married to one :p That being said he did come with "baggage" but so did I

RivanQueen · 29/11/2018 11:58

If you're going to do online dating then I highly recommend using a site you need to pay for like eHarmony. I found that those kinds of sites want you to give a lot of information about the kind of person you are, values, beliefs etc and the kind of person you are looking to be matched with, what your deal breakers are and what you're willing to compromise on. It can take a hour out of your life to fill it all in but you know that any man also on the site has gone through the same thing and is probably more invested than a guy who's on RSVP of POF who's looking for a woman 18-50 with a pulse in a 15 mile radius who's up for a quick shag. I found my fella on eHarmony and have friends who have also had success with that site as you get matched with people that are 85%+ compatible with you. Don't get me wrong, I went on dates with different matches for almost 4 months before coming across my DP but I knew I was fishing in the deeper end of the pool so my odds of meeting someone were higher. Good luck!

Original poster

OneTwistedAngel · 29/11/2018 20:14

Hey everyone sorry for the silence. Been a busy few days and I didn't expect a huge response. Thank you all for taking the time to comment.
I'm certainly no doormat and was surprised/appalled that my sister tried to set me up with an ex con but for context she is my half sister, we aren't close and she was brought up with the guy.
I don't think I have unrealistic expectations. I'm 5ft 5 so taller than me is pretty easy and I don't mind how tall, looks aren't massively important but I am 28 so probably a 10 year age gap is maximum at this stage of my life. I don't mind a guy with kids but need to see that he steps up as a dad. I do want children one day aswell so that's definitely important. Apart from that no addiction issues, no criminal history and a steady job is all I really want!
I'm on match.com as I can't be bothered with guys who just want a one night stand.x

OP posts:

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