Estranged husband wants us to spend a happy Christmas together

[Jmlb2]

I have just moved back to the UK with my 13 year old son after 4 years in Canada. I thought my Canadian husband would hopefully follow me back ( we’ve been together 20 years, married for 12) - he never actually agreed to but I thought he would if I forced his hand. Instead he took the opportunity to tell me he’s been unhappy for years and he thinks we’d both be happier living apart. This was just over 2 months ago. I was in shock, denial, angry etc - still going through it. Am seeing a counsellor but emotions are all over the place. Our 18 year old daughter is living in Canada in our house with him. She finished school there this year and doesn’t want to come back and is now in university there. The kids seem to have taken it in their stride, as has my husband. He avoids all contact with me unless it’s a text about work - I do the bookkeeping for his business in Canada. In a moment of thinking/hoping we could be friends, as can’t actually believe this is happening, I texted him that I and our son would come to Canada for Christmas, thinking we’d all be in the house together but my friend, who works in the offfice there, has just told me he has asked her today if she woujf help him sort out paying bills and his bank accounts & financial things like that - all the stuff that I currently do & that I thought he wanted me to continue with, for now anyway. He also told her that I can stay in the house over Christmas as he will stay at his sisters. I feel so hurt and angry - it feels like he just wants to wash his hands of me totally after 20 years together. And now he expects us to have a happy Christmas for the kids without me having a go at him. Right now I hate him. How can I be civil at Christmas ?

What stands out starkly is that your kids are separated. I'd hate that more than the marriage dissolving.

I admire your proactive stance of moving back because this direction is the one you wanted your life to take, obviously it backfired badly, but you took the bull by the horns.

You are deeply hurting now, you will come to terms with your marriage ending, it won't always be like this. The quicker you move forward with accepting this change and starting your new life, the better it will be for you.

If possible, being on as good a terms as you can be with your estranged husband, the easier your life will be.

Out of curiosity, if you could go back to Canada and accept a life out there, would it be possible to give your marriage another chance? Could you do that and be happy? Would DH give it another go?

Good luck op 💐

Giving your marriage another chance needs him to be willing to do so and it sounds like he isn’t. Therefore I would start thinking about your life long term without him. It is sounding likely that your daughter may settle there and it is good that she will have one parent there really. As for your son, it will be his decision to make as he gets older. It just sounds as though the move was the natural ending of an unhappy marriage and as you were unhappy there, he would be unhappy here. It is sad, but it is done now and I think you need to start moving on too

I've just had another thought. Do you have another job/income stream other than book keeping for him?

If not, do you have a proper contract? Was that agreement made in the UK, or Canada? You might well find that you've voided a standard agreement by moving countries if he, as your employer, had no idea. It's going to be less hassle if you're a business partner but you refer to "his" business.

If he is your only income; you may need to refocus on where you are going to spend the next few years and looking for work. If you've been in Canada for four years; you may well not pass the residency test for benefits easily. It sounds like you know that he's already got someone else ready to take over book keeping.

I also find your title confusing as the opposite is true, unless in your mind you see it that way, although it is quite clear from what you have written it really is not. Other posters are quite right, you ended your marriage. Now you are understandably having trouble coming to terms with this after many years together. Yes, go to Canada over Christmas for the sake of your son if he is looking forward to the visit, but you have to accept it is over. Your husband does not want to play happy families, he has made that quite clear as he is temporarily moving out of the home to accommodate you. I would also not anticipate having to play happy families with your soon to be ex in laws as that is the nature of separation and divorce. It sounds as if your marriage was not in a good place and he had moved on emotionally from you, why would you want to salvage that? Do what is right by your children and try to accept and move on with your life as your ex is doing.

I also find your title confusing as the opposite is true

I agree with the above.

He's going to his sister's...he doesn't want to play happy families at all.

He's no longer interested. Might as well grieve and come to terms with it. It will take a while...but an amicable end is best.

You knew you both weren't happy... your leaving was probably a relief for him in the circumstances.

I'd be happy if my spouse left in his shoes too.

I'm a bit confused. Your husband lives three weeks in Canada, three weeks in the uk, you moved back to the uk, assuming he'd follow and when he instead ended the marriage, you're now peed off? I get why you're upset, but you were both miserable for years- according to you. You need to work out finances, and probably start the separation process properly. He's used this as the push to officially seperate- and you don't sound to have happy for quite some time either.

And now he expects us to have a happy Christmas for the kids without me having a go at him. Right now I hate him. How can I be civil at Christmas ?

Eh?

He isn't going to be there - why are you saying he expects you to have a happy Christmas together? As PP have said, your thread title sounds more like it could have been written by him, not you!

One other thing that triggered a little alarm - to what extent is your "friend" replacing you?

It sounds like a serious dysfunctional dynamic full stop.

You walked out on him. You kick started the end of the marriage, but it sounds as if it had been dead for a while.

Ans he doesn't want to play happy families at christmas, you are the one trying to do that! You sound very self absorbed, as if you can't fathom why he's not falling over himself to rush back after you.

It is what it is. Your marriage has ended. Whose fault it is doesn't matter. Neither of you are 100% blameless. What does matter is how you move forward for the kids sake.
Put them first in all your future planning.

Your dh's suggestion sounds good all round. Now you've just got to get your head round your marriage ending which will be obviously difficult. I don't think you should put all the blame on him though. You gave him an ultimatum and unfortunately it backfired. Now find the best way to move on.

The meaning behind the title was that he told my friend, in Canada , that he will stay at his sisters’ which is where Christmas meal will be and that he hopes we will have a nice Christmas for the kids with no upsets or rows. Before my son & I left Canada, all his family were aware our plan was to come back st Christmas & were looking forward to seeing us. And after an amicable text with him, I thought, yes I can do this, we can be friends. But my friend also said he has asked her to help him with the personal stuff that I currently do & him staying at his sisters, which has just bought it home to me that he doesn’t want actually to be friends or have me working for him ( he originally said he did want me to carry on working for him - he’s the boss but I suppose I part own the company as his wife). The realisation that he is actually cutting me out of his life has been so painful, I’m not sure I can do the ‘happy for the kids sake ‘ Christmas thing.

I hate that my kids are apart but I didn’t come over here thinking this would be the end result.

I am not a qualified bookkeeper- just learned on the job and we are living in a borrowed chalet on a caravan park, in the UK which my ex was/is using when he comes here to work. I own s house 100 mikes away which is being rented out - my childhood home - somewhat sentimentally attached to it.

And a word of warning. Your kids may end up living in a different country to you permanently. If you don't want to alienate them permanently then you need to tread a path where you don't unfairly put all the blame on their father. They need to see you both accept responsibility for your parts in what happened. They need to see you both behaving reasonably moving forward.
How you navigate this is crucial or you could end up losing both of them or maybe just not being that important in their future lives.

You don't have to play happy families though if you don't feel emotionally ready for it. Have your own Christmas at your old house and let the children split their time between you. Just explain that it is too hard for you to go there but obviously you want them enjoy Christmas with both parents, it will just have to be in separate places. Don't diss him in front of them though. Just help them get used to separated parents who can parent together in civil but separate ways.

It sounds like a power struggle between you -

But that's what I thought about my exH when in reality he was an abusive controlling brute of a man and I was just trying to keep my head above water and hold on to my identity.

I may be projecting but your husband seems to be in a similar category to my ex ie a pig.

However, you have the awful issue of your kids on opposite sides of the planet. Dreadful. I don't oboe what you're going to do

The way I see it you both moved to Canada on the understanding you would move back in 4 years. You wouldn't have agreed to move if there was any prospect it would be permanent. He reneged on your agreement.

He is treating you with contempt and I suggest you get some counselling to soothe your bruised heart. I can't help feeling you've been bruised by a thug of a man.

Good luck op

OP

You moved to Canada as a family 4 years ago. Once there you didn’t like it and wanted to move home. He said he wouldn’t move. So for 4 years you have been at odds with each other. The disagreement was irreconcilable.

Fine, your options were to stay or go. You went, separating the children. This is the big issue. You need to ensure that they have a relationship with each other and their father.

The happy family plans you had for Christmas before you left are now not going to happen. He will be at his sisters and you will be in the home with the Children. You don’t need to be anything towards him. Just be a mother to your children. There is nothing sinister about that. You are stretching to be aggrieved. You are getting everything you wanted except him.

You need to stop wallowing, it doesn’t even make sense for anyone except your son. The real problem you have is finances and sorting out a divorce. He owns his own business and now has someone else doing the books instead of you. That’s a shrewd move for someone who is divorcing. Find out where is best to divorce, it’s probably the uk. If he files first in Canada you may lose out.

The marriage is deader than mounted moose head. It has been for years.

So actually OP, just for clarification, he hasn't said anything at all to you about Christmas?

Have you thought about talking to the man?

Are you sure your friend isn't more than a friend to him

I'd find it odd that my H approached my friend wanting her to work for him and telling her private business like your marital affairs.

Don't go, you will be miserable, stay home with your own friends and family, you need them more than ever especially around Christmas time

Dont have time to read this properly but i did this. It was awful.

LemonTT is right . Loving the concept of mounted moose head - remember being slightly horrified though at the thought of eating moose pie when I was there many years ago after asking what was in the canteen pie - delicious though

Poor form to be making moose jokes on a thread where someone is really suffering.

If I've understood OP's last post correctly the issue is she felt her DH wanted to play happy families at his sister's house. OP was ok to do this until she found out her friend is helping him with some personal matters which has made her realise he has cut her out of his life.

It's all a bit odd OP. If your friend wasn't helping him out would you be ok to spend Christmas with the sister?

Anyway, I suggest you send your son to DH on Xmas day and agree that you'll split the day so you both spend time with your DC. Many separated couples do similar. No-one would expect you to go to your SIL if it is too emotionally taxing for you.

Your DH has moved on figuratively and literally so I'd take his cue and make arrangements to start living as such.

I hate that my kids are apart but I didn’t come over here thinking this would be the end result

Your daughter had already started Uni in Canada, did you hope she would also cone back?

I would encourage you to not react yet about Chrisrmas, let the feelings settle, try not to act in anger.
It often appears men move on faster as they handle the practical issues first but his emotions may kick in later.

I hope you work this out..it would be yet more upheaval if your son moves school yet again to be in your family home.