So I’ve had a lot of stuff going on in life. A snapshot view for you all as follows below. Broken childhood with a bipolar and alcoholic mother, and abandoned and separated from my siblings when young to a bipolar marriage that broke down after 14 years. Now 4 years out of that marriage where I desperately tried to make it work and wanted kids, and now a year into what I would describe as a failing relationship. I have trust issues, stemming from my marriage and childhood. I fear everyone will leave me and do wrong by me and so far this always turns out to be true. My last partner did somethings to dent my trust. Yet he’s now happily re-married with a baby which i so desperately wanted. I met my current partner about a year ago on a dating site and thought I had hit jackpot.... until one day, rightly or wrongly I went through his phone to discover he’d messaged an ex talking about his other exes amongst general chit chat yet never once did he mention me and our life and he had been watching porn around the same time, which is an absolute no for me on both accounts. Trust and respect is everything. That has since severely damaged the trust and now I just think the worst of him. I moved out of my flat into a rented house with him just over 3 months ago and have since found out he watched porn again, despite me telling him last time it was a deal breaker as how can I trust him so please don’t do it again, which he made all the promises that it wouldn’t happen again.... We have since got a dog as we both have the same goals in life but we argue all the time. I trust him but I doubt him at the same time. Question him. I don’t think he’d cheat yet I push him and question his actions all the time looking for reassurance that he’s in this for the long haul but I don’t always get the answers I need when I’ve been pushing him too far with my questions and judgment on how sincere he is. I don’t know how someone can do that when I’ve explained my boundaries and he still did it knowing how insecure it makes me feel. I’ve tried time and time again to let go, I’ve even had hypnotherapy over recent months. I just fear the worst and don’t always feel reassured in myself or this relationship. Right now, I don’t know if this relationship can last knowing the issues we have and the arguements that erupt. Yet I am so worried about losing him as despite his flaws, he’s pretty amazing and will make a great husband and dad as he is loyal and dependable as such amongst lots of other great qualities. He’s just done some stupid things that I am finding it hard to let go through fear of being hurt. Right now we aren’t in a good place and I fear that the eventual outcome is that he will walk away and I’ll have another failed relationship and I’m back to being alone. I long so much for a family of my own yet I can’t seem to manage it. What’s wrong with me and how can I make this better? Unless he’s made up his mind that it’s over as tonight wasn’t great..... :(
Any help or advice would be much appreciated!