Lost the spark years ago-can you live without it?

[JudgeRindersMinder]

dh and I have been together for about 25 years, married for 22. Eldest child has left home now, and youngest is in the last couple of years of school. Complicated situation with us both working, him long hours, me on long shifts, and add an elderly parent with huge care needs and you get the picture.
We very rarely get time together, partly because of work, and partly because I’ve suffered from depression for years and tend to be a loner when I’m low.
We haven’t had sex in 5+years, and to be fair to him, he’s never bugged me about it. It sounds terrible but the thought of him in a sexual way does absolutely nothing for me. We are affectionate and hug, but that’s as far as it goes.
We haven’t been on holiday together for several years, he goes with his friends and I go with mine.
We do have vastly different backgrounds, and I feel it’s really starting to show now-he’s quite happy to have a quiet night at home, and whilst I’m no party animal, I want to do things like go to theatre etc. I know if I asked him he would go, but I also know he’d get nothing out of it and rather not be there.
We have a lovely home, and things are finally starting to ease a bit financially. We pretty much share the same sense of humour, we don’t argue and have much the same goals for retirement etc
I don’t want to end the marriage, but I don’t know if in my late 40s I can spend the rest of my life like this.
Has anyone else managed to carry on living like this?

I know we have to talk. If anyone has any tips-other than thumbscrews- to make him talk......🙄

I guess you don't have to talk. If he refuses to, give him fair warning, whatever that warning is. You don't need to agree to split up, it can be a unilateral decision.

You want a tip, well here is what I did. I wrote OH a letter explaining how I felt then packed up the kids while he was at work and went to stay with a friend in Yorkshire for a few days. I left the letter on his pillow.

A letter is something you can read, re-read and think over without the other person being there so no arguments and going off on a tangent which is what happens face to face.

Find respite care for the elderly parent, write the letter and go away.

Even if he does refuse to talk about this (which seems odd, he must realize something is wrong by the complete lack of sex) just packing up and leaving when he's away and leaving nothing but a letter and maybe divorce papers seems overly harsh.

Oh op I get you :(

I'm in a similar boat though younger. I'm 40, dp is 42 and he's never really had a high sex drive. We average every few months if that. And it's not good when we do.

I don't know what the answer is but just wanted you to know you're not alone

Ps I know this is wrong but i have a major crush on someone ( hate that word but it best describes it ) and this has brought home to me how wrong my situation is.

Hi

This is my suggestion so please tell me to get lost if it sounds completely random!!

I would just say to him - ‘we need something fun to do cuz we work so hard and put others first for ages now!’ Are you up for something out of our comfort zone?!

If yes then I would honestly book something that is different for you both - my suggestion would be three nights in Vegas. Go there go mad and just go for it!! If he is reserved you just make the suggestions.

Tone down to suit budget/realistic-ness!!

This is what I would do to jump start my marriage - I have no experience yet as I’m younger but our relationship has always been helped by stuff like this.

I hope you don’t mind me suggesting xx

I was going to suggest a letter too. If he won't talk that is. At least you can get your side of things down. Did the letter writing help for you madmum5811

The letter writing idea is a great one. At about the 12 year mark in my marriage my DW wrote me a letter. At that time we were both terrified of confrontation and I was brought up in the generation of guys burying their emotions, so I didn't have the skills to adequately express my emotions verbally to her. The letter allowed her to "say" everything that was on her heart and not have to deal with me and any attempted excuses or deflections. I also had the chance to read, reread, rereread the letter, and I still have the letter and about once a year I read that letter and thank God that she was bold enough and strong enough to write in the first place. If your DH doesn't respond well to the letter at least you can say you tried.

Glad things worked out for you toddman.

Thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions.
I think the letter is probably the way forward, and thank you @toddman70 for relating your experience, it’s good to know how such a thing went down

Judge Yes! You can get the spark back. All those problems you have of not seeing each other, child still at school, commuting, not seeing each other and elderly parent with health issues who you are caring for. Those things are difficult and it would seem that you have both disconnected over the years. It happens. Can you remember back to when you first met and what it was that made you fall in love with him?
He is still that man underneath.
Going on separate holidays is not the best way to reconnect. If you had been on holiday together instead of separate then maybe this would have helped the spark stay in the relationship.
If you found out that he was having an affair, how would you feel. Would it make you jealous and see him as a sexual man? Not saying that affairs are good at all just wondering how you would truly feel.

Thanks @Milliy, you’ve raised some points I definitely need to think about

Are you on ADs? They completely devastated my libido for years. It came back with a rush when I stopped them. Although, with the stresses and strains in your life right now, I can see why sex and intimacy has little opportunity. Your DH sounds rather nice really. As do you. I hope you work it out.