Affair recovery

[Steve13]

Hi, I know I'm going to get a lot of abuse so would prefer some constructive input from anyone who's been or is in a similar situation.

I recently had a 6 month affair, I was in a bad place suffering from depression, lonely in my marriage and lack of any intimacy for years. Not valid excuses I know. The OW was amazing and unfortunately we fell hard for each other, me harder. She ended things saying she didn't want to the person to end my marriage.

When things ended I told my wife about the affair, i knew we wouldnt be able to survive unless I was honest with her. It's not been 6 months since I told her and we have made little progress, mainly due to me still having unresolved feeling for the OW despite her being clear she wants nothing to do with me.

I do want to make it work with wife, she says she still loves me and tells me she has forgiven me and through theropy has acknowledged their was issues in our relationship.

But I'm still struggling getting over the OW, and question if I married the wrong person. My wife and I don't talk about the affair anymore but don't communicate about anything really. It feels like we are room mates.

We where madly in love once and I want to get back to that place.

Has anyone got any advice? How long does this affair fog last? How were you able to save marriage and move forward as a stonger couple? Or bring the spark and passion back?

The kindest thing you could do for your wife is leave her.

Why the hell are you still with your wife and bit your amazing ow ,? Tbh you are unbelievable " still trying to get over ow" . What the hell do you think your wife is doing ¿!? If you have a ounce of decency you would leave her and work with therapy for your self.

Sorry about typos

No abuse from me...

You can't force love. You've tried to make it work post affair and she deserves a man who loves her.

Maybe it wasn't an everlasting love between you.

I agree with the others, end your marriage so your wife can heal, move on and find someone who loves her.

You don't love or want her, you just got dumped by OW and have settled for trying to make it work. If OW came back you would be off like a shot from the sound of it.

Your wife deserves better.

It's never going to work out. You want to love your wife and get over the OW - but can't. Accept it, and be honest with your wife. Then between you decide if you want to continue as room-mates or not.

Personally, I think advice above is good - you need to move out, have some space, let your wife have some space and re-visit the whole situation in another 6 months' time.

Wow. Your poor wife. Do her a favour and leave. Let her find someone who deserves her.

OP - this isn’t affair fog.
Sadly - your relationship with your W has run its course.
Relationships can recover when there is still love left in them. You don’t have that....

Don’t stay together out of duty or guilt. Or for the children.
Your W is scared of change, and that’s why she is clinging on.
But in the end - both of you need to move on and find other people you could be happy with.

The problem is, you’re only with your wife because you’re not with the ow.
So you need to really think hard about your life,
You say you were madly in love, but none of us escape change and none of us can live of the hopes of the past.

If you’re not over the ow and you’re staying with your wife because it’s easy then you’re a coward.

Even if you end up alone, that’s better than staying with someone that you’re not prepared to love properly. That’s just as cruel as the affair in the first place.

And btw, I’ve seen enough people stay for the wrong reasons. It’s a waste of everyone’s life.

Split up with your wife and then see what happens with the OW or someone else. It's not kind to your wife to try and force yourself to love her. Set her free to find love too.

What happens when you sit down with your wife and try to talk? How does she react when you ask her about her day or how she is feeling? Why is communication not working?

Tell us something about your wife's good points. What do you really appreciate about her? If you were dating her now, what would make you want to stay with her?

Your poor wife. You are only with her because the OW doesnt want you. How cruel.

No judgment here (we've all made mistakes) but I suspect that if OW changed her mind and rang you tonight, your heart would leap at the sound of her voice and you'd be arranging to meet. This is grossly unfair on your wife (who probably senses that's she's second choice and is frightened of being single, so is trying to ignore the problem by refusing to communicate).

‘cos one isn’t enough!

My husband has cancer. No sex in 7 months. Things are as bad as they can be with a house full of children.

Would you suggest I be a skanky slut like you Steve and have an affair because shit is hard....

Your still thinking about the ow even after your wife offers forgiveness..well.sorry not polite here and fuck you.

Leave your wife because she deserves better than your fucking micky dripping.

Hello it sounds like you are settling with your wife because OW ended it and you and trying to get over it when your wife is working on your marriage. What about your wifes feelings? The marriage sounds doomed i feel. I wonder if you tried to fix issues in marriage before you embarked on affair? I think you should let your wife go and let her find someone true

A woman posted not that long ago about how she had affair. I wasn’t helpful nor terribly supportive. However I do have very strong opinions on this because I’ve seen how destructive affairs can be. Thus you will also get zero sympathy from me.

Yes your situation was oh so miserable. Did you try to fix it? Did you end it to seek a happier relationship? No. You decided to cheat. Now you come on here asking for critique of your behaviour. Really? Indeed you come on here and whine about it. You whine about your still present feelings for the OW. Then in the next breath say you want to make it work with your partner. Really?

I just don’t understand. When I was in the same situation I walked away. I assessed my relationship and then made the call. Not ask another woman if I could keep her warm at night.

Anyway. I’ve berated enough. If and this is a big IF, she can forgive you and wants to make it work then you need to put this OW to rest. Get counselling to save your relationship and make a concerted effort to understand your wife’s needs. Means a lot of communication and humble pie.

OMG your poor wife. Eventually she will face up to what you are and hopefully leave you. She will know without question that you are pining after OW. She will be terrified of what yiu are going to do next. Poor woman. Maybe she could get OM to dally with while you sort your head out.? Hmmmm you come across as selfish and entitled. You really dont care about your wife so let her go. Jerk.

Leave your wife, she deserves more than being your plan B.