How do you know if negative comments are projection?

[treebuzz]

Recently had a big falling out with a work colleague. We were close for a while but the relationship became toxic.

Funnily enough all the grievances we both had were the same about each other. i.e. we both thought the each other was flakey, competitive etc etc

I struggle to recognise a lot of the grievances he had about me, but I am self aware enough to question whether or not they were true and admit to some extent my failings. I know I am not perfect but really did consider if I was that person that he said I was and could not agree.

So, when do we know if the other person is projecting vs an actual problem with your own behaviour or is it often neither and just a toxic relationship?

Just curious on others' thoughts.

It’s an interesting question
I had a therapist tell me that they thought someone was projecting on me, but then I thought perhaps I am the person that they were describing. And actually the point was, it made me really think about myself

If you are aware of yourself then you should be able to tell what is projection and what is maybe an exaggeration of some of your traits. If you’re even questioning it, it probably means you have a decent level of self awareness!

Yeah I agree with the poster above, I think if you're any bit aware of yourself, you'll know if anything rings true

I think that labelling others with vague criticism is never a good move. Far better to try and get the conversation of grievances to be about specific examples of behaviour. That way I think it’s easier to judge whether the complaints are rooted in reality or the person is projecting/imagining the issue.

Do you have a very good friend who you can ask a blunt question of, and they will reply with absolute honesty?

Other than that try to assess if you are competitive and flakey with other people or just him. If it's just with him then it could be something about him that's provoking it in you, so it probably originates with him. Or he's imagining it. If you're competitive with everyone and flakey, then maybe that's kind of how you are.

I think one indicator is if you immediately feel hurt and/or defensive - there's something within you that is recognising the truth of the comment and doesn't want to accept it.

Whereas if you just feel baffled that someone could think that, and after a genuine soul-search feel none the wiser, it's probably projection on their part.

I think one indicator is if you immediately feel hurt and/or defensive

Not necessarily, if you're a bit of a people-pleaser with wobbly self-esteem who tries very hard to be reasonable with unreasonable people. The anxiety you get from dealing with bullies can go through the roof, and that's not because they're in the right.

I think for criticism to be of any value, it has to relate to specific behaviours and specific incidents, and come with positive suggestions for better ways of dealing with particular situations. Negative labels are merely insults, and whether they 'fit' or not, they should never be used in professional contexts.