Red flags or just a difficult person?

[Ohhelpmeseesense]

I have name changed as this is massively outing, so much so that I’ve just a few little details (no drip feed, honest)

Basically, I have lost all sense when it comes to my ‘marriage’ and I feel like I can no longer see what is considered normal.

I’ve been married a number of years, with a fairly long relationship beforehand. I was a big earner during the first years of our marriage and essentially supported the husband. Paid off his debts, paid majority of bills. I was ok with this as I still earned good money and he was helping me do up my house (owned by me).

Marriage was pretty good, we got on well and felt just ‘easy’.

I then fell pregnant, unexpectedly. I felt that our relationship changed then. We stopped sleeping in the same bed, but still had some intimacy. He always said that he wanted me to sleep well so I thought he was just being caring. Now I’m not so sure?

On a few occasions whilst I was pregnant he was very verbally aggressive and on one occasion he pinned me to the bed. He would often disappear for hours on end to see friends/drink.

But all came to a head when my precious baby was born. I had an extremely traumatic birth and resulted in me very nearly dying. I lost weeks with my baby as I was so poorly. He was AWFUL. He frequently left me alone to care for our baby, even though I couldn’t even lift my baby. He simply didn’t care.

We separated when my baby was just a ew months on and a few years later I still live alone with my child. But over the years we have had a good relationship and he seemingly cares a lot for us. Things were going so well that I considered asking him if he wished to return home.

But there have been a few incidents where I’ve wondered whether the same behaviours will just resurface. He is verbally aggressive on occasions and will refuse to talk things through, he’ll just run away and turn his phone off/block my number til he’s ‘cooled down’. This can go on for 24-48 hours plus.

He can also never accept any responsibility when we have argued and one line he’ll always use if that he ‘won’t take all the blame’.

He has also made comments about not having a share in the house. It almost feels like he just wants something for nothing.

He has also never ever had our child alone. He has never spent more than a few minutes watching him. I asked him to have him for the afternoon a few days back and he’d made a few excuses why he couldn’t.

He comes from a complicated family where he witnessed constant abuse. Can someone like this be ‘good people’ who just need guidance. Or do I need to get over this now? I am so confused. There are so many good points, he has perfect manners, he’s caring and we get on so well.

Thank you so much for everyone’s advice. I know deep down how right you all are. I need to think about my child before anyone and although it’s going to be hard, I know I can move on. Thank you all so so much.

You are a good person , op. Please dont take him back. From the first part of your post where you said you paid off his debts for him, I just thought noooooo. And your post only got worse.

This is not someone that will enhance your life in a positive way. He is not good enough for you x

I was you 17 years ago. You can go it alone. Not going to lie, some days were tough, but you can do it and your child will be a million times better off.

Are you a problem-solver, OP? Do you see him as a fixer-upper, and frankly, there aren't any other offers on the table? I say that because I am a problem-solver who took on the fixer-upper, and it is really really not a good idea. He'll break you before you fix him. Do you want your child to have this as a role-model?

The things that stood out for me from your post;

1. He was abusive when you were pregnant - despicable.

1. His behaviour after the birth when you needed help and support more than ever in your life (and it should have been a given to his wife the mother of his child, and his child) - equally despicable.

1. The fact that even after that period he had not patented his own child - bizarre and an unbelievable abrogation of his responsibilities.

1. If you married him, doesn't he get a share of your house anyway (regardless of who's name is on mortgage or ownership deeds)? Maybe someone legal would know better.

All in all the word that comes to mind is despicable.

Patented - obviously

Uugh - parented.

*whose name

You need to divorce him and move on, stop any kind of relationship with this man.

Your “happily ever after” is not ever going to be with him, no matter what he does or doesn’t do (or what you do or don’t do).

However, you do stand a grand chance of happiness on your own with your lo.

And the chances of you meeting someone new go up exponentially without him lurking in the shadows. He will still need to be offered child (not you, the child) contact...but it doesn’t sound like he would be enthusiastic about participation.

Good luck! Stay focused that he is a wrong ‘un. All the circumstances regarding him were unfortunate (to be diplomatic/understatement) but that doesn’t mean you need to allow him to plague the balance of your life.

No, you need rid of him, hes no good OP.
I'd be looking at getting a divorce and telling him the relationship is totally over and that contact is through a contact centre. I wouldn't want him at my house or anything.
I'd advise you seeing a solicitor and getting everything( marriage, house and contact sorted out).

You're slightly confused in that you seem to think that if someone is "just" a "difficult person", then their behaviour should be mostly excused. Typically I find people who believe this sort of thing, tend to have an underlying belief that if someone doesn't intend to be awful, then they "deserve to be forgiven", "deserve another chance", etc. etc.

Whereas you seem to think that a "red flag" behaviour is something different. Perhaps you assume it's a thing that's intentionally cruel?

The thing is though, a "red flag" is a sign that someone is a difficult person. Difficult people need to not be in relationships, because they make other people miserable. You look out for red flags, so that you can avoid difficult people! That's what they're for...

Difficult people may or may not be conscious of what they are doing. It really doesn't matter if they mean it or not, it's still abusive and destructive and can lay waste to people. Especially children who are exposed to this kind of thing, and especially when they're exposed in their homes which are meant to be havens where they can safely grow.

Every abusive person is nice most of the time. How else do they hook in their victims? It doesn't make sense to be confused that he can be nice at times... of course he is nice at times. You can expect that.

But you do need to keep in close focus that this man shows you CLEAR and obvious signs, on many many occasions, that you need to keep him at a distance. He is showing red flags - because he is a difficult person - and you should avoid difficult people - because they are draining, upsetting, often frankly abusive, etc.

He is AWFUL!

When you and the baby desperately needed him, he wasn't there. That would be enough for me. But all of the rest - rows and rows of red flags, I'm afraid.

Bloody hell no way, protect yourself and most of all your child

You and your baby were at your most vulnerable and he stood by and did nothing. I wouldn't do that to anyone. He doesn't love you.

Wow, again thank you all so much. This is the virtual slap around the face I’ve needed You all make so much sense. I’ve managed as a single parent and will continue to do so without the added stress of this ‘man’.

oiiiii Thank you for your post. It has made so much sense to me. I am very grateful.

You’ve all given me more strength than you can imagine. A fresh start is in order

Read your thread in shock and sympathy, and was going to offer another voice saying this man is a disaster zone when I reached your last post. Now all I need to say is "Congratulations!" You will never regret this decision.

How can you say he's caring?? He's never looked after his own child by himself? And he was awful to you after your birth??? That's the opposite of caring.

Agree with everyone else, OP.

You deserve so much better.

You don't need him in your life . I'd suggest seeing a solicitor as you're married so you can be heads up in any financial or child issues . Maybe also a counsellor to support you on your journey .