Lonely and isolated

[mummypanda32]

Hi All,

I am new to mumsnet, so bear with me! I'm a new mum of a beautiful 10 week old baby girl. I love being a mummy, but recently I have been feeling really lonely and isolated. A little bit about me, I am 32 and grew up in London, I met my partner, father to our baby at my local gym, we have been together 4 years and we always knew we wanted children together. He's a hard working, strong and no nonsense type of guy. Along with that, he's also mentally and emotionally abusive, this actually started just before we found out I was pregnant and throughout the pregnancy and up to today. The past couple of weeks I have been feeling really isolated, I gave up my life to join him outside of London and I hardly know anyone here except his friends and some of the neighbours. We planned to have our baby and found out I was pregnant in January this year.. I delivered a beautiful baby girl in September and we were so happy. Shortly after its put a massive strain on our relationship. He sleeps on the sofa and has done for the past ten weeks, his line of work involves being responsible for people's lives so he cannot be sleep deprived. I love our baby girl so much but recently I have just been feeling so sad, we try to go out most days even if it's for a walk but today was pouring with rain, my partner works long hours and won't see her tonight as when he gets in she'll be asleep.. we had a huge row at the weekend resulting in him calling me a piece of sht :( he has a lot of resentment towards me as the day of our 20 week scan we'd also had a huge row the night before and he took off, he turned up at the hospital last minute. We couldn't identify the gender as baby had her legs crossed.. it was an awful scan, he sat as far away as possible from me and even the sonographer looked puzzled. The very next day I booked a private scan and told him when and where, he didn't show up so I went alone, and found out baby was a girl! He resented me for going alone and said I took that moment away from him and he'll never forget. As the weeks went by we got better but the slightest thing tipped him off. Today I just feel lost. I choose to be with him because I still love him and want to work through our problems.. but I just feel so lonely and sad for our little girl :( he shouted at me in front of her and called me a piece of sht whilst she was sitting on his lap. I wrote him a letter which I have left for him to read downstairs, but I was just wondering if anyone has been in this situation before and if it did get better? Aside from his anger he's a wonderful man believe it or not, but just feels like something in our relationship has gone and I don't know if we'll ever get it back.

Hi @mummypanda32

I can really feel the anguish in your post, sending you hugs 💜

Firstly, I can’t even imagine how isolated you must be feeling out of interest was there a particular reason you needed to move to him? For me that’s ringing alarm bells I.e removing you from family and friends quickly? (or it could be his job I’m just assuming here!)

Do you often see your family or friends or stay in touch with them? If I’m completely honest he sounds like an proper arsehole. He certainly shouldn’t be adding to your isolation levels or shouting at you in front of your daughter. Has something happened before you were pregnant for his behaviour to change towards you? Just with you mentioning him calling you a piece of shit too etc. It sounds like he’s trying to grind you down, which isn’t acceptable either.

I’d be really careful OP, I know you’ve said you want to work on this. Have you thought about writing down the reasons why you want to stay with this man and on the other hand leave? This may create the bigger picture for you, but women who put up with this type of behaviour tend to feel obliged to stay because they are scared nobody else wants them. (I went through this before with an ex before my DP around 9 years ago, he was truley awful but I stayed because I was too scared to be on my own and that in my mind was worse than leaving him - because he drained the life out of me I was a shell of the person I was)

Always remember you are worth more than this & there will be somebody else out there who would treat you exactly how you deserve. Anybody who controls or drains the life out of another person is sick and doesn’t deserve people like you.

I really hope your situation improves

Also I meant to add have you thought about mother and baby classes? Or even swimming I know lots of mums who take their LO swimming to try and build relationships x

Hi Anyat,

Thanks for taking the time to reply to me x
In honesty I do sometimes question why I'm still here :( but the biggest part of me does love him still and I want a family for our baby girl. He doesn't speak to me for days when we argue, I suppose you could call it stonewalling. I have tried to leave before and when I did he told me to come back to our home. I'm just sick of feeling hated :( in the letter I wrote to him which he hadn't read last night but taken to work this morning..I wrote that he's taken a nice girl and broken her down bit by bit, and that I don't feel like I make him happy anymore and that if that's the case we need to end it amicably for our babies sake. I don't have any family, my mum passed away and my dad lives abroad. If I truly wanted to walk away I could, I don't feel trapped... I have my own money and I know I can support myself and my daughter but I just want to try and work it out :( he had a very difficult upbringing which I am sure has contributed a lot to the person he is today.. I just think he can't think much of me to call me a piece of sh*t :( what steps can I take to just feel happier, I don't know.. that's why I feel lost. X

I also had a very bad childhood. I don't abuse people as a result.

The bad childhood is a separate issue and nothing to do with his abuse. You say you want to work on 'our' problems but it isn't your problem, it's his problem. He's the one with the problem, not you. He's an abuser.

People choose to be abusive. It's as a simple as that. They get a lot from it, or they wouldn't do it. He likes the status quo, this is how he wants it.

Abusers get worse. It is well-known that abusers step up when their partner is pregnant. I'm surprised the sonographer didn't raise a flag because of the way he behaved at the scan.

The abuse will get worse, much worse. It will all be your fault. It's for him to address his abusive behaviour and that usually takes a great deal of work IF the abuser is interested to work on themselves and take responsibility, which very few do.

Tell your health visitor and your gp what is happening. There is a lot of support out there for you - eg Womens Aid (here is your local service) and the Freedom Programme.

I'm so sorry. Many of us have been in your position and we got through to freedom. You need to rely on others - hv, gp, Womens Aid, Freedom Programme - to get you through. Do this for your daughter, leave for her sake

Sorry, I'm assuming you're in the UK?

It will all be your fault - he will blame you for it all.

Such a sad situation - you say you love him? Do you love the idea of who you want him to be, or him? Would you want your daughter to love a man who regularly called her a piece of shit? I think not. I have no experience of this type of relationship but you are worth so much more. Do you want a life of trying to keep the peace so he doesnt abuse you? Trust me life will be better in every way without him. Go back to where your friends are and start again its best for you and daughter. Good luck

I'm pleased you have the means to separate and I hope you addressing this now will end the abuse, whether it's because he sorts his attitude out or leaves. Or both. You should feel loved not hated.

I separated after 17 years and my XH never once called me anything like that. If new partner did would be the end. I had/have an abusive relative and do not accept any verbal insult from anyone now. No one should accept that. I'm sorry you've been so alone. I'm sure better times are ahead but I doubt they're with him tbh. Good luck with the letter.

Aside from his anger he's a wonderful man believe it or not, but just feels like something in our relationship has gone and I don't know if we'll ever get it back.

But doesn't the anger take over and tarnish whatever "wonderful" attributes he has? You will end up walking on egg shells so as not to cause him offence and trigger further abusive outbursts from him.

The verbal abuse could well escalate to physical abuse too.

Seriously, think about returning "home" and living the life you once enjoyed and give your new baby the life you both deserve. Good luck.

I just worry about what he'll do if I walk out also, I can't see him letting me just leave with his daughter. It's so awful at the moment :( him calling me a piece of sh*t has really stuck with me and made me feel so worthless. We had some horrific arguments during my pregnancy which resulted in the neighbours calling the police, my midwife also got a social worker involved. I don't want social services to come back and think I can't look after her :( my baby is thriving because of me, I ebf and she's gaining really well. The reason I'm finding it difficult is before the pregnancy things were so good, we planned to have a baby then it all went downhill :( he wanted so badly to be a father now he's not that interested.

What’s so wonderful about this man ? He treated you like shit during your most vulnerable moments , I too have a 10 week old and could t have coped with someone treating me like that during my pregnancy and post natal period my husband does night feeds and supports me and treats me with kindness for context , hi don’t need to accept this treatment . Does he give a reason for his vile behaviour ?

Aside from his anger he's a wonderful man believe it or not
NOT! No I don't believe you.
Re-read your posts!
He's abusive.
Really bloody abusive.
Police, social services, etc....

This is not the environment you want your little girl to grow up in!
Imagine, when she's older, if she tells you what you have told us.
That she is with a man like her Dad!?
Because if you stay, that is exactly what will happen.
What would you advise her to do?
It's not good enough for her or you.
Do you have family you could go to?
Just don't tell him.
Get away and then communicate regarding access to DD only!

The only acceptable amount of abuse in any relationship is NONE!!!!
Don't do this to your DC or to yourself.
Escape and have a life free of abuse.

What’s so wonderful about this man ?

This.

How sad, but I'm glad you aren't trapped financially. At least he hasn't got the chance to be financially abusive as well as everything else.

A wonderful man would not necessitate the police and social services being involved with you and your baby. He's a bully, a cruel, aggressive bully. How dare he call the mother of his 10 week old child a 'piece of shit'?! He should be cherishing you and your little one, supporting you and loving you. He has taken a nice girl and chipped away at her, and you need to stop this before he breaks you.

I'm so sorry you don't have a mum to support you. I have two adult daughters and if either of their partners acted so cruelly and disrespectfully they would have to explain themselves to me and DD dad.

Please get away from this man. I'm afraid him missing the scan (completely his fault) is a stick he will beat you with at every opportunity. Is there a friend or a relation you can go and stay with for a while? In the meantime, have you considered having a Home Start volunteer. They come to your home once or twice a week to help in whatever way you need it; practical or emotional. I volunteered for them for many years and there is no typical family demographic, so don't feel you are not the sort of family who would benefit. Your HV or GP can refer you, or you can self-refer.

good luck Mummy Panda. Do what you need to do to give your little one a safe and happy childhood.

Read this book: www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?tag=mumsnetforum-21

He throws back the scan at every opportunity, when it all happened he called me the c word :( I have left before out of my own volition when I was 30 weeks pregnant because it got too much, I went to stay in a hotel and he begged me to come back to our home . I just never thought our baby girl wouldn't have her parents together but I don't think I can take much more, I really feel he is so close to breaking me. I just don't have anyone I can go to or who can help me.. feel really torn, I want my baby to have her parents together but to my own detriment it'll be. Also there's a reason why I'm still here, he basically put me back together when my mum passed away this is where I say he was wonderful, he held me and let me sobbed for hours, he fed me when I didn't want to eat, and was there all the time. I am not trying to justify anything to convince myself I owe it to him to stay just feel really torn as the pregnancy tipped him over and before that we were perfect :( that's what I miss. Also, our baby was hugely unsettled and colicky and she's now turned a corner and doing much better.. I don't want to unsettle her again :(

How are things with you OP? I hope your situation has improved.