Should I continue with cutting my mother out of my life?

[Storminateacup1]

Hi all, first time in this board but it fits my issue best.

Today was the day where I finally cut all contact with my mother and I’m struggling with it.

I’ll give you a brief insight to our relationship, and I’ll try not to drip feed.

She had me as a teenager and has always made a point of reminding me I was a mistake, but she kept me. She feels I should be grateful to her for being alive.

She always says what a horrible child I was, I had colic and cried for 3 months and that was the start of my ‘nastiness’ according to her. It has gotten progressively worse in her eyes and she likes to tell everyone she meets how horrible I was, how much I did wrong, and how hard I made her life in comparison to my sister.

I wasn’t a particularly challenging teenager, I didn’t drink, smoke or do drugs, sneak out of the house or let boys in, I didn’t steal, break the rules or do much but answer back as they were forever shouting at me. Yet she tells everyone what a nightmare I was.

As an adult she belittles me at every given opportunity and makes me feel like crap. She’s even started to call my DS names such as ‘little shit’ and manipulates him into giving her hugs and kisses.

She’s forever putting everyone else around her down, even sluts towards my DH despite me telling her numerous times to stop. She tells me I’m a ‘drama-queen’ and over reacting as it’s a joke and I should instantly take it as one even if we’re upset.

She muscles in on everything, and demands eternal gratitude.
She insisted on buying my wedding dress, but wouldn’t let me have any say in it, to the point I went along with what she wanted even though I felt disgusting and it was painful to wear.
More recently it was DS’s Christening and instead of letting me have a small gathering like we wanted, she hired a hall in my name, ordered an £80 cake which I was left paying for as I didn’t find out until it was made, and ordered a load of decorations in a theme I would never have gone for.
She then proceeded to invite all of her family and friends including her NDN who I don’t even know.
She was very angry, or so I found out today, when I didn’t publicly thank her during the party for all of her hard work, even though I did in person.

She has a horribly short fuse and shouts and swear when anything that upsets her comes up. We (Me, and my M & F) were having a discussion about a house she wants to buy and do up the other day and she wasn’t happy when my F said no as he’s end up doing all the work. She shouted and said ‘What’s the alternative?! Leaving the money to that thing?!’ Pointing at me.
Apparently this was a joke, but after telling her how upset I was she ranted about how horrible I am to her and that I’m always looking for an argument and looking for ways to upset her, she didn’t even say sorry until I said I was done with her. Even then it was ‘Sorry, now I want a sorry for not thanking me at the Christening party!’

She has been physically and emotionally abusive all my life, but now I have DS I can see how much I would never want him to feel like I do, and truly I want her away from him. She has an awful drinking problem and her dislike (hate?) for me seems to be worse then.

My F has said today that I need to get help from a professional as I ‘act so hard done by’ and she ‘meant nothing’ by her ‘that thing!’ comment.
He often excusing her behaviour and playing go between on her behalf. She’s only apologised to me once in my life, and that was after she ruined my hen do by getting stinking drunk.
She does love DS, even if she is manipulative and often says things like ‘stupid mummy doing...’ and ‘Oi! Stop being a little shit’ to him, even though I’ve told her time and time again not to swear at him or around him.
She likes to buy gifts for us, mainly so she can tell others she’s done so from what I can see, but the other day she bought me some jumpers and tops (they’re a lot bigger than I am, so part of me thinks a slight dig but that is probably me being sensitive) so she shows love in some way, but I don’t know how much longer I can have her as part of my life.

If anybody could give me any other perspective or advice that’d be lovely. Thank you.

You are brilliant and while hard, it sounds like it truly is the best thing to do. I would have gone NC for far less (although I know this is easier said hypothetically).

While your child may miss them now, once they undertand more of what she says about you it becomes toxic for them too. You are also protecting them. Big hugs for you x

Sounds EXACTLY like my DM even down to telling me how awful I was as a baby because I did nothing but scream with colic.

I totally understand your predicament and can relate to how you feel. Like you too, I now have children and whilst I put up with my DM's behaviour for years, now that I have my own children I can't reconcile her behaviour anymore. So I'm low contact now. Every so often my DM gets horribly drunk and will barrage me with abusive messages which are very nasty but it doesn't affect me now.

It's hard to go LC or NC because, again, I don't have other support from family but it's worth it.

I do feel sympathetic at times for my DM as I can understand why she behaved as she did throughout my childhood and most of my adult life but, we do all have choices in life, however small they be. I chose to break the cycle of abusive parenting and parental alcoholism and is why I'm very LC with my DM.

I do also feel guilty at times but she's never changed, I'm not a psychologist or psychiatrist who can help her and more importantly my children are my priority, not her.

My own experience, it'll be the best thing to do for you and your family x

I am a grandmother and, from what you have posted here, it seems to me that your mum is grossly unhappy with her life and/or your F. This is evident from her drinking.
The way she acts towards you and your F are symptoms of her unhappiness and clearly she is depressed. However, your instinct to protect your child from her behaviour is paramount in this situation.
I feel though that if you go NC it may exacerbate her behaviour towards you. Is there any possibility you could move...maybe near to where your husbands family live?

I had 17 years of my mum telling me and everyone she met how hateful I was and that she wasn’t even sure who my father was as she ‘went with’ so many American soldiers during the war! That was a lie. I now know exactly who my father was (god test his soul) and also who my g/parents were. I resolved my issues with my mother but leaving home and travelling. She never really forgave me. I had less and less contact with her over the years and when she died a few years ago I couldn’t shed a tear although my five siblings were in bits. They were fortunate that my mum adored them all so she got love back. That’s how it seems to work.
I must admit that from time to time I Do miss her despite her horribleness.
SO, this old birds advice is - try LC for a while before cutting ties altogether.
Keep posting! Sorry for typos xx

@DwayneDibbly - That actually very interesting as I’ve heard his ‘Just make up with her, you were both wrong and I have to live with her’ speech a thousand times, but I’ve never really thought about it like that. Thank you so much.

He honestly loves her so much, though I don’t see why as she treats him like utter shit, anything he buys her she takes back or throws at him.
She threw one of those larger electric cigarette things at him the other night when she was angry. It’s crazy.

@Ilivefornachos - Thank you for your support, I’ve had a cry today and tonight in DH but I’m hoping it’ll be onwards and upwards. I may have to vent on here as it develops to real NC.

@itsjeremycorbinsfault - Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. It means a lot to me, especially knowing going LC has gone so well. It really gives me hope that I can do it too.
I’m sorry she’s not changed though, and has no intention of changing.

@wartimebaby42 I think her unhappiness definitely has something to do with the drinking, she’s said so many times she doesn’t love my F and I know she’s cheated on him at least the once, he knew about it too and forgave her.
I think she stays with him as he adores her.

It would be lovely to move away but it’ll be at least 4 years before that’s possible sadly due to a course DH is on. After that who knows, maybe! By that time hopefully I’ll be deep in NC.

I’m so sorry, your mother sounded like an absolute nightmare! How awful that must have been. I’m glad NC worked for you

@Storminateacup1 It just struck me, and you've kind of confirmed it more with your subsequent posts. He probably loves her so much he's prepared to put up with anything, including her horrible and abusive behaviour towards you. That makes him just as culpable in my eyes. And yet you're the one worrying about his feelings! You're a much nicer person than I am.

I think if it were me, I'd ask myself how I'd feel the day your DM upsets your DS, and your DF tells him it was his fault. I'd feel sick to my boots. That's what will give you the strength to stick it out.

That OH putting wife on a pedestal because he adores her, she is beautiful yada yada. My Father did that, she was beautiful we found out decades later she played around with at least four men to our knowledge. My Father worked himself to death to provide her with the best of everything, house, glam clothes, she only worked at token jobs and slept with men she met doing them. When he had a breakdown and lost his job, she divorced him.

He became useful again when his very large pension kicked in. He continued to pay her until the day he died, huge sums and the witch pleaded poverty with us all the time, so we gave her money. When he knew he was dying he went to a solicitor and changed his will, he forbade us from telling her he was dying. We buried him without her knowing. I told her a few months later when she was having a moan about him. She went nuts and demanded to see the will. I said no point he left everything to my baby brother and his wife who had continued to care for him from the divorce to his death.

@Dwaynedibbly - DH has just said something along these lines too. He feel my F is just as bad as my M. I can’t ever imagine a way in which I’d let him get away with speaking or acting like that towards DS, it makes me feel sick.

Thank you for your last point, of anything it’s made my decision feel more concrete and validated.
I honestly thought maybe it was just me being dramatic, but now I think that as it’s all I’ve been told about myself all my life by both of them, that’s why I was starting to believe it.

Based on your description. Yes.

@madmum5811 - Jesus, she sounds absolutely awful! No wonder he didn’t want her telling in the end, what a bitch.
I’m sorry for your loss, I’m glad he got some freedom in the end.

There is definitely a degree of that here, it’s been suggested by other family members she could be a narcissist, but I’d not thought about it properly until today. She ticks a lot of boxes.

@courageouswhale - Yes I know it’s difficult with only one side of the story to come to a full conclusion, I wish I could broach this with her but it’s just her screaming at me and then getting my F to call me and shout at me too.

I've been NC with my dad for 11 years. I think sometimes people say they are NC, but it's just a strategic move for a period of time. But real NC - permanent NC - is hard. It's similar to a grieving process as you realise you will never see them again and will never resolve any issues.

@Nodancingpolicy - I’ve just been reading a bit about NC from a site a poster recommended on the Stately Homes thread a PP recommended, and they were saying about basically bulldozing right down to the foundations and starting again. That feels very daunting to me, and very final.

I feel like it’s been quite a very slow realisation this needs to happen, but that it’s been very quick the actual happening of it.

I think as long as you know what you want going into NC you will be better placed to manage it. If you start the process thinking that the realtive will come round once they realise what is happening, that's one process. But if you genuinely mean permanent NC, that's another thing altogether.

I think I’m at a point where if she’s not changed by now, and doesn’t seem to think she’s doing anything wrong, then she’s never going to change.

The only thing positive she’s bringing to my life (except for a few jumpers) is that if DS needed to be looked after if something happened, she more than likely would take and care for him until I returned. That is if she hadn’t been drinking.

We’ve already stated in wills and wishes that if we both sadly pass he would be cared for by DSIL, they’re not aware of that fact, that would be another argument.

I don’t ever see LC working, i think I’d be ruining any progress, it’s a bit all or nothing.

So permanent NC is actually easier in some ways because you have already accepted there is nothing they can do to change your mind. You stop looking for evidence that they have changed because it is irrelevant.

Read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

Go to al anon

Have a look at this thread.

I agree with previous posts also; it's easy for me to tell a stranger online to never speak to their family again, to do so must be hugely daunting. I am LC with my DM - she's a bit of a victim, makes hugely personal and often cruel comments and if you're hurt by them, you're being over-sensitive and it's somehow your fault. My philosophy has always been, why do we put up with behaviour from family that you'd never countenance in your friends?

Good luck with whatever decision you ultimately make - I don't envy your position. and for you, should you need it!

Oh gosh, yours sounds worse than mine in contrast, but yes..you are doing the right thing in going NC. I've got to say that the rest of my family (aunt and uncles - siblings to my mother) have been wonderful. They know what she is like and can understand why I went NC. I had very similar things said about me from an early age and it has taken until this year (I'm 48!) with counselling, to understand it was not my fault. I was always introduced as 'the awkward one' because I was born breech. She was physically and emotionally abusive to me until I became an older teen and was able to stand up to her. I left home at 17 to get away from her ASAP...same for my brother who left to go into the army straight after leaving school. I've tried over the years with her, forgiven her for some things (she was a single parent at one point with 3 kids and it must have been hard), but for other things, nope! We went NC in Oct 2016 and then at the beginning of this year she wanted to get in contact again, I agreed. What a mistake. We didn't meet up, this was just contact by email as she had moved away somewhere without telling any of the family. In no time she was up to her old tricks again with passive aggressive posts on Facebook, alluding to the fact she had cancer (we all think she was lying) and then unfriending everyone over some made up slight against her. I've let her get on with it and so have my aunt and uncles as they just can't be bothered.

Just keep to the people who care and sod them. It's a shame some parents are like this. I can't imagine being like this towards my own children...it's just despicable. Good luck and keep strong!

Thank you for your lovely words, it’s been a hard day and my F has been messaging DH with demands for presents they’ve bought us in the past (even strange ones like bulbs!) back.
They’ve decided being petty is their first course of action.

Did you get the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward?

Please go NC and never cave in. Be aware that she will likely invent a serious health emergency to try and get you back in her orbit. It will all be false - part of the script, sadly.
She does not love your DS - why would you call someone you love a little shit? She just likes the idea of having an adoring grandchild.
I would not let a known alcoholic look after my child. My MIL never babysat again after we returned to find her off her face one night.They'd be safer left home alone, seriously, and might as well be!
She sounds awful. Not having a mother is better than having such a poisonous one. Block her, ignore her, do not open mail or answer the phone, delete the emails. Sooner or later she will give up.
Such a shame there are awful people like this around. It's her, not you.

ah the serious health emergency... cancer - a harmless lump.
Blindness - she needed glaucoma drops. When I told her I had been using them for a few years that really took the wind out of her sails.
The Police - oh yeah had those phone calls. The police were wonderful understanding she was trying to manipulate things.

It’s kind of a good thing that they are acting so ridiculously and not remotely upset.

It helps you see where you stand with them a bit more clearly.