Scared of the future & being alone

[rejectedandworthless]

Don't really know where to start so please excuse the ramblings but I struggling to think straight and haven't eaten or slept .
DP of 18 years left 2 days ago -we have been arguing for months mainly due to him not making an effort and him leaving me to facilitate every aspect of our lives (although he did do his fare share of household tasks & childcare)
The home environment had become totally toxic and it got to the stage where we could barely say a civil word to each other mainly due to my resentment and anger that he made so little effort to take control of anything like finances etc - despite me asking for help I had to instigate everything from booking holidays to buying the kids school shoes .

Its the thought that if he had loved me enough he would have at least made an effort that's making me feel so worthless - if only I had been 'good enough' then maybe he wouldn't have left.
I was adopted as a baby and admittedly I do take rejection badly and always feel as though I have to try that bit more to be worthy of love

I know in my heart of hearts its over and probably for the best but I am broken hearted and struggling to put one foot in front of the other at the moment - We have 2 DC's age 9 & 15 and the thought of Christmas just being the three of us breaks my heart.

For context I am 50 and have a full time job but no real friends and no family and just feel so fucking alone (as well as angry and hurt) I really don't know how I'm going to survive this and all I want to do is crawl into a hole and for the pain to go way .
Life seems so pointless.

I need to go and pick the DC's up so If anybody bothers to respond I will reply later.

I hope someone else can offer you more advice, but you will survive this. We have to go through the pain first, but once you've crossed this hurdle you will be okay. Life seems so pointless now but it will not be this way in the future.

In order to do something just for yourself and maybe make friends too, have you thought of joining a walking or running group? You could get the 15 year old to look after the 9 year old.

There is no need for the three of you just to be together at Christmas. You could always have the children's father round for the afternoon or morning, depending on how you all feel about it. Don't set yourself absolutes, life is always subject to change.

Look after yourself.

Hi OP. Its natural to panic about the future and worry about being alone. I was the same when my 16 year relationship ended. I'm in my 40s. I was scared of being lonely when kids were at their dads and scared I'd never meet anyone else etc etc.
Its a very daunting thought as your whole life is changing and you're venturing into the unknown.
I'm not saying it will be easy but eventually you come to realise that life is calmer and happier and your new life will develop naturally. Try not to think too far ahead and take one day at a time.

Hi Op, I just want to send you a big virtual hug. This is shit, but you're going to be ok and I suspect much better than ok because you're clearly very capable and have already been doing most of the heavy lifting for some time. One day at a time xx

You aren't alone in any meaningful sense because you have your children.

You speak of it just being the 3 of you for Christmas breaking your heart but realise you are lucky to have that. All things being equal one or both of them will go on to marry and have children. You have future of expanded family Christmases to look forward to.

Really alone is people with no friends or family and no children. There are plenty of people in that position. That will never be you.

You are feeling scared now because you are undergoing a change and change is usually frightening. It's not that bad particularly if you are swapping an healthy toxic environment for a better one.

Thanks for the responses .

I do know that it will eventually get better ,I wish I could wake up tomorrow morning and this sense of utter loss will be gone .

tickertyboo actually I do run (slowly!) and I had planned on going this evening ,unfortunately I ended up sobbing down the phone to 'D'P (as was) saying I was obviously totally unloveable and how sorry I was that I wasnt 'good enough' (not my finest hour !) but I am now sat with a bottle of rose and pringles and have now turned my phone off.
I had been thinking of joining a running club anyway so this may be the push I needed .

I go from being strong and thinking that I will be ok & that I will survive this to being utterly berefet and unable to contemplate a future without him .I have spent most of my working day trying to hold back the tears, luckly my boss is very understanding and has said that I can change my hours etc to accomodate the DC's - the problem is that the days are long and the nights are even longer .

This will be no comfort to you right now, but I do think you have to ride out this bad time to really appreciate it when your life turns around. I think back now to my dark times and it just makes me even more thankful for how happy I am now.

I was where you are now 9 years ago, and around the same age... (just had a little shudder at the thought) . However, I was surprised just how quickly it's possible to pick oneself up. Don't get me wrong, I was on the floor, but be kind to yourself, and remember the reasons it wasn't working. Take each day as it comes and one day soon you will realise a different life is emerging. I remember the day I felt happy again for the first time in ages - I didn't recognise the feeling at first as it had been a while! But you will be happy again I promise....hugs to you and anyone else going through the same right now.

Good luck with the running. xx

Thank you all - I just knew that I could post on here and find some words of wisdom.It really is just I need to hear .
I do realise that there are others who are in a lot worse situations than myself , fleeing DV etc and my heart goes out to all the awsome strong surviours out there .

I will survive this & thank you