Anxiety is making me ridiculous

[Andyetanothernamechange]

I've been with my boyfriend for 9 months. Everything is great. I love him, he loves me. My children get on with him, he's great with them and enjoys spending time with them. There have basically been no issues and we get on brilliantly. But I suffer with anxiety and after my marriage ended with my STBXH cheating on me, I can default to really negative and unhelpful thought patterns. This reached a peak a few months ago and I started seeing a counsellor (long overdue). I'm still seeing her and my anxiety had been better. But the past few weeks it's been awful again. This weekend he went away for a night with some friends. I was invited but couldn't make it. I wasn't paranoid at all while he was out, but the following day I convinced myself that he was going to leave me. After a few text messages in the day I realised it was all in my head and I was being silly. But then later in the evening I did the same thing. Then he called me in the evening and I realised I was being silly again (I didn't voice any of my anxieties to him, I just realised that everything was completely normal and it was me who was convincing myself otherwise, based on nothing whatsoever). Now today I'm doing the same thing. Again, based on nothing. I started the day feeling everything was completely fine and then my mind wandered and I started thinking "what if he's cheating on me", "what if he doesn't love me anymore", "what if he never did". None of these things have any evidence to back them up, but I second guess everything because with my XH, I didn't see it at the time but I could see it all with hindsight. I know that I am paranoid because of how I was treated in my past relationship, and I'm trying to work on this with my counsellor, but sometimes that paranoia reaches another level where I think "what if it's not just that I'm thinking this because it happened before, what if it's the case that history is repeating itself and I'm attempting to convince myself that it isn't by blaming my anxiety". As you can see, I'm tying myself up in knots. I'm struggling to see things for what they really are and it's hard to know what the reality is because someone messed with my reality before when I was so certain of it.

I know that I potentially got in to a relationship too soon (I met my boyfriend a year after the separation) and I have discussed this with my counsellor as, although that may have been the case, I don't want to lose my boyfriend as everything is so good, it's my own mindset that isn't. But she feels that I can work on this whilst continuing the relationship and there's no such thing as "a good time" to get in to a relationship.

I don't really know what I'm asking, I suppose just for a bit of support and any ideas of how to stop this unhelpful thinking.

I think working it through in counselling is probably the best strategy long term so you're doing all the right things. You sound really self aware and you understand why you feel the way you do which is half the battle so you have a really good chance of resolving this with counselling.

In the meantime it's like a bloody rollercoaster, that constant cycle of talking yourself down, convincing yourself to trust him and that you're just being paranoid, only for something to pop into your head, unbidden and unwanted, and land you straight back at square one again. It's exhausting isn't it?

Some things which have worked for me (with varying amounts of success, it's a work in progress) are sheer willpower, basically refusing to allow those thoughts to take root, as soon as they happen I push them away and try to overlay them with positive thoughts instead. Allowing and indulging the thoughts for a set amount of time (I usually try for 5 minutes) and then spending an (at least) equal amount of time sort of talking myself round, reminding myself of all the positives about him and our relationship and all the reasons/evidence that I'm wrong. That's actually working pretty well atm, it's as though allowing myself the 'crazy' for 5 minutes before looking at it logically shows up just how crazy the crazy actually is!

My situation is a little different from yours in that my DH has caused some of the damage. He's never cheated but has lied to me, mainly about stupid stuff but it's created a general atmosphere of mistrust which, due to being cheated on in past relationships, means I can't trust that he is not doing far worse without me knowing. It drives me insane but I realise, like you, that it is (mostly, in my case) my issue and I doubt I'd be much different in any other relationship.

All of which means we have to find a way to work it through long term (counselling) and manage it in the meantime. I am able to talk to DH more than you (because he is partly responsible in our case) which helps so maybe having an outlet here will be helpful for you. Sometimes admitting how you're feeling and hearing other people's (more objective) view makes it easier to see when you're being irrational. I hope some of this has made sense, I'm functioning on 2 hours sleep so probably not but your OP rang a lot of bells with my own situation

I don't know how old your kids are but if they're young, I'd be less concerned at the timeframe of getting into a relationship with him than of having already met your kids.

If you're in a place where you may not be able to cope with the relationship, it would be best not to involve your children for the moment.

Other than that you can only really work through the anxiety and paranoia day by day.

It might be useful to actually consider the "what ifs". Because having confidence in your ability to deal with those scenarios will help you put them aside.

So what if he or someone does cheat on you? Be in a practical (finances etc) position to cope. Carry on with counselling to build your self esteem. Know that someone doing that will not finish you.

It certainly helps me to :"let go" of all the "what ifs". I would rather my DP didnt leave me or cheat. I can't be 100% sure but I trust him as much as I can based on all the evidence.. And if he did I know that life will go on as it has before.

I guess it's the same for a lot of anxiety. Ironically although I have conquered relationship anxiety and tbh never worry about th3se things anymore, I still have very very irrational day to day anxiety about other things. I think maybe you have to work through different things slowly and slightly separately. But that approach work3d for me

My sympathies; like many people I have also suffered from anxiety, usually in unstructured social situations. A brilliant therapist helped me no end. I'llgive two examples, not because I am suggesting they are suitable for you, but they are examples of the practical tips she gave me.

1; Put a camera round my neck if I am visiting somewhere on my own. It kind of allows me to avoid the " I am on my own with no-one" feeling" because I am a photographer taking photos. And;

2; If terrified when entering such as a meeting, look at my phone..... even pretend to be talking to someone on it. Bizarre, but effective.

But as I say, you issues are not the same; there are books about everything, these days... good luck, and you are NOT alone.

Oh, and more usefully; if you are feeling overwhelmed by doubt and negative thoughts, ask yourself what you would say to a friend who was also seeing things as negatively as that.

Good luck...….

Thank you all for your responses. There are some really good suggestions here. I'm going to read back through your posts and I'll also do the same the next time I'm feeling anxious/paranoid as it's sometimes really hard to pull yourself out of it.

As for him having met my children already. We didn't rush in to it. We waited about 5/6 months and we did it very gradually and carefully. Part of the reason for wanting to introduce them was because having the two big parts of my life separate was increasing my anxiety. I don't think it was a bad decision to have introduced them. I can see myself being with him long term. Obviously anything can happen, but I am hopeful. With that said, we don't live together and he sees my children around once a week. I'm not saying that if it didn't work out then it wouldn't impact them, but they are my first priority and I would do whatever I could to minimise that impact.

6 months is nothing when you have kids, and your kids shouldn't be put in a vulnerable position just to alleviate your anxiety.

Seeing yourself with someone long term and actually making it work are two different things.

It wasn't just to alleviate my anxiety. It felt like the right time for all of us. But, even if it wasn't, it's a bit late now. So that's just another thing for me to be anxious about.

Just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I too face the same anxiety with my current boyfriend based on my experiences with a cheating ex. I too let the thoughts run wild and manifest and it becomes harder to tackle when I let them run wild that way. I tend to try and not let things manifest or stop what will be a train of thoughts early on so it's not as hard to pull myself out of the sea of worry. I also have talked about all of this with my boyfriend. He's thankfully very understanding and reassures me, which helps. We try and support each other in various ways (he has his own experiences due to being with an ex who abused and manipulated him), so I have a support team in him, which definitely makes a difference.

Not sure if any of that provides help but wanted to post anyways. PM me if you want. :)

Sorry your ex cheated on you. Have heard anxiety about past cheating in present relationships correlates with how well you feel you could cope if it did ever happen again.

Do you feel another guy lying or cheating would destroy you? How ? Why ? When you start analysing those things, then can look at how to not be so emotionally reliant on the one person for sole source of happiness. Because essentially, that’s what it stems from.

The feeling of your world falling apart is the worst. Especially when a supposed loved one caused that hurt intentionally. But now you like someone new, who you would never have had the opportunity to meet before. That’s a good thing. It shows you can & have moved onto happy times after having experienced a huge loss.

All the best xo

Is there any abandonment issues from your childhood which makes the thought of DP cheating etc so anxiety inducing. You survived exes behaviour, you will survive any problems with DP, could there be anything else which you need to acknowledge and work through.

OP is three anything in his behaviour/words that triggers your anxiety?

Thank you all again for your responses.

There are no abandonment issues from my childhood. I had a very happy childhood, mr parents are still together and I still see them very often. They're an amazing help with my DC. I did however experience a lot of loss and faced the risk of loss over a few years - I lost two grandparents, a close family member had cancer, my daughter was very ill more than once and ultimately I "lost" my husband.

But I do completely agree that the fact that relationship ended was a good thing. In hindsight I wasn't happy in that relationship and I held on to it because I didn't know anything else. Not only am I happier with my boyfriend than I was when I was on my own, but I'm happier with him than I was with my XH. And a big reason for that is that I have independence and don't have a reliance on him. It's a very healthy and equal relationship. Which my marriage wasn't, I realise now.

I do know that if the relationship ended I would survive. But I also remember how I felt following the breakdown of my marriage and I fear feeling that way again.

I was with my XH for 12 years and there are a lot of "habits" from that time that I'm still finding hard to break. A perfect example is yesterday, I had to take one of my DC to the hospital. My boyfriend offered to come to the hospital to be with us, which I know is hugely inconvenient for him as we don't live that close and his work is even further so he doesn't tend to come over during the week. My instinct was to say not to worry, but I really wanted his support and I'm not feeling well myself. I did accept his offer but felt guilty as my XH would have offered and then resented me. Instead, my boyfriend said to me, once it had all settled down, that he knows I don't like asking for help but I shouldn't feel I can't ask him. If there's anything he can do to help then he wants to. My assumption about his reaction was based on my past experiences and I need to try to challenge them.

But, even if it wasn't, it's a bit late now. So that's just another thing for me to be anxious about.

There's no need to get anxious about it, but you could dial back his involvement to protect your kids while you sort yourself out.

@Shambu He doesn't have a huge amount of involvement with them anyway. For the most part, we see each other when the DC are with their dad or my parents.

Hello,

I'm just revisiting this thread as I'm feeling very anxious again. I've been trying to tell myself that I always feel this way in between seeing him and my fears and anxieties are never proven to have any basis in fact.

I have, however, started a new, very different thought process today. Which is that I'm a bit annoyed at him for not reassuring me. And I know that's silly, because he shouldn't have to. But if he knows I'm feeling insecure, why would he not want to reassure me? This has then lead to me thinking that maybe we're just wrong for each other. Which I don't want to be the case and when we're together we're so good together. But is that because I feel "validated" by him? Is that all I'm seeking? Am I in love with him, or in love with feeling loved? I don't think that last statement is actually true, because I can objectively look at it and know that there are many reasons I love him for him. But my mind is going crazy. I suppose I'm expecting him to be a mind reader and to know that I'm feeling insecure, when in reality I actively try to not let him see that in me as I don't think it's very attractive. Also, I fear seeking reassurance, even in some small way, and then not receiving it. As that would make me feel worse. I wish I could get out of my head. I'm driving myself crazy.

OP - please keep seeing a counsellor and deal with your issues.
No one can date someone who continuously needs increasing amount of reassurances.
It’s draining, and not an equal relationship. He can’t be responsible for your mental state and stability.
It’s unfair to put it on him. He isn’t your carer.

I know. That's why I'm not seeking reassurance from him. I'm not putting that on him and I'm not expecting him to be my "carer". I know that this isn't the right or healthy way of thinking. That's why I'm seeing a counsellor and it's why I'm posting here for support.