If you were the least favourite child, what's your life like now?

[Unsurprisinglysurprising]

I had counselling in the past. I have in many ways accepted my childhood for what it was. I have kind of forgiven but I certainly haven't forgotten. The favouritism is still apparent though I have turned spotting it into an amusement for my own sanity.

From the outside my family probably appeared normal. We had a nice house, in a nice place but I wasn't the only one damaged by my childhood. It's evident that my siblings didn't come out of it unscathed but I got treated really quite badly, for no apparent reason, in a way my siblings didn't. I did well at school. I was never in trouble. I was well-behaved, though I didn't always react well to the way I was treated.

Ironically I am now in many ways closest to the parent who treated me worst. It's not an emotional closeness but I feel I have responsibiities to them that my siblings don't bear the burden of. That concerns me. How have I ended up in this role when my siblings who didn't suffer as I did have walked away? Also, why does my parent still display negative behaviours towards me when in many ways they need me around?

Also, having DC myself I really cannot understand how I was treated. I wouldn't cause the suffering inflicted on me to anyone, never mind my own child.

I'm aware of the toxic families threads. I was just interested to hear from someone who had been treated very differently from their siblings as I've never met anyone IRL.

I've seen the exact same thing happen in two generations of my family. My mom was the least favourite of three kids, but for the last 20 years at least she has been the only one to talk to her mother at all. It breaks my heart to see her keep reaching out and helping her mom, while my grandma is still always talking about her other kids who refuse to contact her.

And the same thing is happening but to a smaller degree with my mom and sister; I was neither the favourite child nor the scapegoat, but my older sister ignored for the majority of her life or treated badly. But now, that same sister is the one who visits my mom the most and helps her out the most, while my mom keeps reaching out to the other kids who won't make the slightest effort.

Sorry if this is just an unrelated story, but I think that the child who doesn't get the approval and love they deserved is more likely to keep trying forever to get it.

But why do parents do this?? What parent can treat one child amazingly but completely disregard another one? That part I can't explain.

I wouldn’t say I was treated badly but I was definitely ignored compared to my siblings. I’m the middle child - the oldest is clear favourite despite having caused a great deal of trouble and hurt in our family. The youngest is adored by all (including me) and always has been. I am just kind of here. I’m the sensible one that always gets on with it whereas the others are healed with praise and constantly given hand outs.

I think the set up was similar in DMs family. She was least favourite and this is maybe because she was always most capable of looking after herself. It was only right at the end of DGMs life that she apologised for everything. From the stories I’ve heard DM was treated pretty badly and definitely considerably worse than her siblings.

However she is the success story of her family and the only one that’s done well for herself. I feel that I have major self esteem issues partly due to being the least favourite. I’m so conscious with my DC that everyone is treated the same.

I know I would like an answer also.
I'm the middle child & only girl, I was definitely "overlooked" all my childhood, strangely I didn't really notice then, but now I hear of things that I was left out of, & am frankly gobsmacked. Why ?
Why did the brothers get taken to London for special lunches in nice places? (that I never knew happened) Why did they get help with buying houses? financial help? doting Grandparents to their DC ?...
My mother was a Stepford Wife, she failed me hugely maintaining her image.
I was never close to her, although adored my Dad,
When she as old & dependent it was not me who ran to her side, admittedly I live in another country
I didn't cry when she died, I was sad, but mainly because the only mother I could have loved, quite clearly didn't love me. Maybe because I was a girl & bit of a tomboy (trying to imitate my brothers to earn the same importance ?)
I have always had a low opinion of myself, & lacki in confidence? Although plenty of bravado to cover it up...
I make a big effort to treat my DC equally !

I'm not trying to get love or approval. I think the way I was treated has made me very aware of people's feeling and I always try to make sure people aren't hurt. That means I also don't want my parent hurt, despite the significant pain they caused me.

They are completely in denial about the horrific way they treated me. I can't bring it up as the denial is the thing I can't take. I do wonder what goes on in their mind, knowing even their favoured children are so damaged by their behaviour.

My other parent was far from blameless and was a bad parent in many other ways.

I'm very wary about the contact between both my parents and my DC as I don't want them to suffer in any way, ever.

I will never, ever get any kind of acknowledgement or apology.

"I'm not trying to get love or approval"
I feel like I just accepted life as being that way then as I grew up.
I never looked for approval, I was more of a rebel because of it. However having been more or less ignored most of my life, I felt no impulsion to run & take care of her in her old age. She had her Golden children.

She did say to me once " Did you ever notice you were treated differently?"

My dm labelled me Wednesday’s child, and made no secret of the fact that she found my siblings easier to be with.

I now know (although she did not) that I have Aspergers and was probably not an easy child.

The up-side is that I developed a very thick skin and am now very self sufficient, unconcerned if someone is nasty to me.

I made my peace with my dm a long time ago.

Largely ignored most of my childhood and never caused any problems for them. The 2 golden children only catch up with them when they need something or should I say need money. And parents are quite scared of them both. So they talk to them all nice and sweetly. I still get shouted at, not always but quite often.

I am left to take care of them by shopping, cooking, taking them to appointments. But still no matter what I do it is not good enough and it Really, Really hurts. I feel that I have a responsibility towards them. Maybe I do everything because I'm looking for approval.

OP, I feel your pain. I wrote a thread a while ago about how my life is affected in a certain situation.

It's all very emotionally distressing and I couldn't cut them off but not sure I would take the role of caring for my dm - perhaps my df. Nothing I ever do is good enough for her, so the emotional and physical strain of doing so just couldn't be worth it for me.
My dm is the one who has cut me out mainly, my df has always been aware of how awfully i'm treated but she'll kick off and say they have to be united and "sing from the same song sheet" if he dares disagree with her/stand up for me (her songsheet only!!)and has financially supported me so that I could leave my hometown and I've never moved back.
As other ties to my hometown fall away, I visit less and less and about 5 years ago, didn't go home for christmas, which was a big thing but 5 years have passed and I've come to adore the stress free, happy Christmas's with my partner and his family.
This year, we are braving going back out of duty, and I am not looking forward to it at all.
My partner gets upset every time we spend time with my family, as it's still dreadfully obvious that I'm the least favourite, I guess that's putting it lightly.

Writing this has made me think bowing out of more things related to them may also be beneficial but I could never cut contact completely.

In terms of how my life is now, I've found myself in quite a fortunate position - lovely partner, lovely house, nice enough job. However, in general I never see things through, I never feel good enough, have zero confidence and have shy'ed away from the career I used to adore. I don't do well in groups as I'm used to being ignored/shouted at by my family, it doesn't come naturally to me to speak up in groups.

Working on all of these things but could probably do with therapy. The thought of becoming a mother fills me with fear and dread as the last thing I would want to do is make a child feel how I spent my childhood feeling.

Sorry a bit vague and probably not what you were looking for. This post just struck a chord with me.

to everyone who has been through this x

My father has always loved me, but worked away a lot when I was a child - he never saw the issues. As soon as my mother got the sons she wanted, I was sent away and it was made clear that I was a defective freak and the abortion she ought to have had. She does not, and has never, made adjustments for my allergy...she just lies.

Where am I now? Happily married, 2 dc (one foster dc as well at the moment), a career I love and my father respects me (something that is important to me). My mother has never set foot in my home, ditto my brothers.

Also the middle child - although slightly off centre as there’s a large age gap between me and my younger sibling (as PP, who was/is adored by all).

Older sibling was by far the firm favourite, but struggled to accept the loss of the golden spot when the youngest came along (even though she was practically an adult). She doesn’t speak to any of us any more.

I have distanced myself. Neither parent showed me any affection, I witnessed the physical abuse.

What makes me sad to this day (and I’m 50) is that my mum didn’t feel the way about me as I feel about my children.

I have to be very careful with my youngest son. He is a strong personality and very independent. He doesn’t need me, or ask for me, the way the others do. I am very mindful to be affectionate towards him because I would hate for him to think he isn’t as loved as the others.

I was the least favourite definitely. I have done much better than my brothers - probably because I wasn't mollycoddled like they were and was left to my own devices. Funnily enough now I'm probably closer to my parents than my brothers are and I'd even say my parents are much prouder of me!

I've only read a bit of the op and haven't read any of the responses as I find this so triggering.
I was the least favourite and all relationships I've had have been unhealthy. I crave the attention of men especially as my dad favoured my sisters and was quite dismissive of me. I'm needy, clingy, and am drawn to drama in relationships. At the same time I push men away who get close to me because deep down I don't believe i am worthy of love. The pushing away is like a form of control or power over men due to my poor relationship with my dad I suppose.

I am now divorcing for the second time. This was an abusive marriage which I didn't have the courage to leave until last year.

I am lonely and doubt I know how to have healthy relationships. I doubt very much whether I should or would ever get into another relationship.

floralhousecoat I’m sure you’re kind & lovely. Don’t give up. Concentrate on learning to like & admire yourself.

I was the scapegoat child growing up and suffered terrible abuse at the hands of my mother - for example she shattered the base of my spine, left me with hearing issues due to being punched in the head over many years and let her affair partner stub his cigerettes out on my arms. I have only 'seen' her at family occassions twice since I was 17 and I am now 51. I have not regretted not seeing her ever. My parents divorced when I was 17 so I took the opportunity to eject her from my life and live a life out of the FOG but it wasn't easy. I came under immense pressure from family and my Dad but stood firm but when I told her that I would not see her again, her reaction made it easy for me. She held me up against a wall by my neck while screaming in my face that I was an ungrateful little bitch who was only fit to be aborted.

My dad died a few years back and never once acknowledged what I went through and while alive continued to pressure me into letting her see my DC's as she apparently had 'rights'. I do not miss my dad.
I know that had I continued to have her in my life then I would be in the same position as the OP and that's like being abused all over again. I know that nothing would be good enough and that everything would be my fault so every day I give thanks the 17 year old me who stood up and said no more.

My DB who was the golden child now has the pleasure of dealing with her and I do not envy him. We do not talk about her at all as he can't face the truth but I do know that he and Sil have some difficulties with her demanding behaviour. People have told me that I'm wrong to cut her out of my life and I show them my burn scars and ask them if they would see a parent who allowed and encouraged the abuse of their child but funnily enough they have nothing to say.
As hard as it seems, I made the right choice and due to my resolve, lost everyone on the maternal side of the family who think I am an utter cow but the absence of obligation to my mother is a relief even if people think that I am 'unnatural '.

I'm the youngest of four and the only girl. My youngest big brother and I were adopted and my parents made sure from a very young age that I knew I wasn't wanted.

Yes, some of the things they said was unforgivable and to the outside world they were great parents. In reality behind closed doors the were cruel and violent.

I'll never forgive them. In the end despite their attitudes I've went on out to the world, got a degree, a great partner and a decent job. I'm happy and they can never take that away from me :)

I would add that due to low self esteem, I ended up in several abusive relationships until I met my DP 18 years ago and I have been happy since. I have two DC 's and I have never laid a finger on them. It was touch and go at the beginning of parenting but I periodically have therapy to work through any issues and I learned how to be a better parent. I'm now a sahp and I know that my DC love me. I put them first and we love and respect each other and that is all that matters.

My mum was cold and unmotherly but was overprotective of my older sister, chose my dbro as the golden child and pretty much ignored me.
I was definitely her least favourite because I look like my dad's sister who she didn't like.
My dad treated us decently, played with us and cuddled us and didn't have a favourite. My mum controlled him though and tried to keep him to herself, told us over and over how fabulous their relationship is/was as they never argued. I wish he had argued and stood up to her.
I did well at school but was never praised. Yet I'm the achiever of the family and married another achiever (DH)
We live in house twice the size of any of them, have a fab lifestyle and holidays and invested our money wisely but not sure I will ever feel it's enough. Mum acts jealous of our wealth and criticises everything we do/buy/have.
I'm always looking for more, I can't help it even though pils go on about how well we've done. And fully expect to be omitted from the will because of my success if mum gets her way.
My GPS must have seen it because they made sure we had an equal share.
I do shopping for them every other week and stay for ten minutes mainly to see my dad otherwise I am low contact. My mum is so negative and nasty.

How sad these stories are.

I wasn't seriously physically abused. I was neglected, criticised, isolated and unloved.

I've had good and bad relationships. I don't think my upbringing set me up to have healthy relationships. I am sure it made me a good mum though. I'm far from perfect but I know exactly what not to do as a parent and how I should cherish my DC.

I do often feel it's unhelpful to think or talk about it all because it drags up a lot of emotions. It's just been on my mind the last few days.

The only time I ever feel lonely is when I think about these things as I have no one who fully understands. It's all so different to most people's experience.

I'm so conscious of how I treat my 3 DC, always hugging and kissing them as never got affection from parents. Trying to treat them as equally as I can as I dont want them to grow up feeling like I do.

The sad thing is that they notice how my parents treat me now and my eldest often asked why my mum shouts at me, so I try to avoid them meeting often. Also the favoured siblings DC get favoured as well so it has carried on.

I'm struggling with several mental health issues at uni as a mature student determined to do something with my life. I have no doubt that my parents love me but my dad died when I was 11 and I am so like my dad in personality that it was painful for my mother to see. I also have autism and learning difficulties with a genius level IQ, my mother doesn't and neither do my sisters. Mother tries to make up for it by buying me things or doing what I ask her when I as her but she's a narcissist at times and everything has to be about her and how hard her life is. I was a difficult child who made things harder for her because she didn't know how to parent a child like me. Especially without support. My sisters for all they caused trouble, she understood them and knew how to parent them. Arguably despite being the least mentally stable, I'm far more successful and I love my sisters and mother and they love and are very proud of me. I recognize her failings and faults, but I know she did her best and that her treatment of me when I was a preteen/teenager wasn't personal but the result of a situation she had no control over but that she has completely wiped from her memory. But our relationship is good now and I'm letting sleeping dogs lie despite any lingering resentment, Lifes too short for me to hold it against her when she's coming through it now.

My parents loved all of us equally I am sure. But the child they had the most difficulty with in terms of schooling, went on to do a Bachelors , Masters, get a permanent job, marry a great person and own their own home. All before the age of 30.

Although we all have similar qualifications and relationships, they have achieved the most so far in my eyes.

My dsis was the favourite by miles (although DM denies this). DM moved to be near DSis , having said 'I wouldn't move to Yourtown even if you asked me ' to me. When I visit DM DSis invariably turns up and I feel as though I am just visiting an old lady and her daughter. Definitely a spare part. Dsis is executor to my mother's will. I haven't been told what is in it.
The most weird thing is that at the end of every phone call DM says 'I love you' which neither she or DF ever said when I was a child.
How has it affected me? Every day for their entire lives I have told my children I love them. I keep them all informed about everything if I can. I have a happy home life and I have made my peace with it all, although I struggled a lot with it in my 40s.

Well I was told by mother that me being born was the biggest mistake of her life. Although she did apologise for not being a good mom to me on her death bed.

It was only after her passing that I have come to realise how angry I was with my parents for how they treated me and raised me.

How am I coping now, not very well, if it was not for my daughter and my wonderful partner I would have ended it years ago. But I am coping and dealing with my Mental Health issues stemming from it all a day at a time now.

So many desperately sad stories. Let down by people who are meant to care for us the most.
I was least favourite of 3. My older brother was the golden child. My mum always said she just wasn't a maternal person but that was just an excuse to not make an effort to like me. She said so many cruel things to me when I was growing up, pushed me around and bullied me really.
When I was in my teens and early 20s I definitely made more effort with her than my brothers did but after lots of therapy and meeting DH I came to realise how damaging the relationship still was so I cut her out. I know she thinks she has some sort of rights to my children but I know I need to protect them from her so she isn't allowed to see them.
Neither of my brothers have DC and probably never will because they're too messed up to have relationships.
When she's older and needs help, she can call the golden brother, who will probably not help, but that's not my problem. She's made her bed.