Lots of shouting, feeling so embarrassed

[Viletta]

Hi, DH and I are going through a rough patch. We both love each other very much, but sometimes DH shouts at me. Normally he starts and I back up and calm him down but the other day I got so emotional and started screaming back. At one point I screamed in desperation. FF we realize we need help and contacted a couple therapist (long waiting list). In the meantime living in a terraced house surely our neighbors heard the scream and god knows what they think about us now. We moved to our street couple of months back and the neighbors are all very nice, a bit older than us (we are in our 30s). I feel so bad about it.. I don't want them to think we are so kind of troubled family. We don't have kids. We don't know the neighbors names but always say hi and stop for a chat. Shall I explain myself next time I see them and apologies? Or shall we just move on and hopefully with the therapy we won't shout again? Funny enough I was raised in a family where my dad shouted a lot and when found DH though he was a completely different person, ended up basically replicating the story of my Mum and Dad, they are still together. My Dad stopped shouting when I was in my 20s, when his life changed due to an illness. Sorry for long post. Need advice about the neighbors.. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed! How would you deal with this?

I would wait until you see any of them and just say Hi as normal and then say "I hope we didn't disturb you the other night - we were having a terrible row but thankfully we've resolved it now. Anyway how have you been?"

Keep it bright and breezy basically.

I think they have enough life experience to know that couples argue and for some that means raised voices and perhaps a scream(?). They are going to think what they are going to think. There isn’t much you can do to change their minds about you both except stop it happening again. A repeat of shouting and screaming from neighbours would prompt concerns of DV for me. I would call the police if I thought that was the case. I might / would probably have done on the evening in question. Especially if I heard one sided shouting in the past. Whether I knew you or not.

You don’t need to wait for counselling either. Try reading therapy or see your GPs. You could also separate and avoid the problem, permanently or temporarily. It’s not good behaviour to shout at the person you love. You are a troubled family.

I wouldn't mention it, tbh. It's none of their business and I'm sure they wouldn't want to chat about it. Least said, soonest mended.

Don't worry about it. I've argued very loudly with dp but have never mentioned it to neighbours and they've never said anything to me.

As long as it is a rare occurrence I think it's okay.

You don't have a neighbour problem. You have a DH problem.

Is he abusive in other ways too?

If you raised this with me I’d think you were being abused and it was a cry for help.

Life is a lot more pleasant without shouting and drama, you know. Your relationship sounds a bit dysfunctional.

Good you are getting help, it's not normal to shout and scream at each other.

Our neighbours scream and shout at each other occasionally and it's awful to hear, hope the counselling works.

Thanks everyone for replying. It's not good to shout at each other and we are working on it. I think indeed I will not mention this to the neighbors and hopefully this will not happen again. In the meantime I will keep talking it through with DH without raising the room temperature and wait for therapy. GP in our area is quite terrible.. wouldn't go to him with this issue.'

Glad you are seeking help for the issue OP, can you not ask to see a different GP if you don't think much of yours, there is more than one doctor surely? I would take a look at the Relate website also if you haven't, perhaps you could find an alternate therapist with a shorter waiting time by doing this.

I wouldn't mention it to the neighbours, I imagine that would be uncomfortable for all concerned but wouldn't achieve much. All parties know what it was; I think it's just best left for them to forget about (if they noticed at all). If I'd heard I'd have mainly been concerned all was ok and there was nothing escalating rather than making any separate judgements on what you were like/where you came from etc.

It is brilliant that you both are keen to fix this problem, all the best with doing so.

@dontgobaconmyheart thank you! Yes, will try to find another therapist. It's funny how talking about issues makes me feel better.

Seriously way ovetthinking this ok
Every neighbour I've ever had has had a scream up at some point....It's life.
They've heard us too one time or another.
If I heard it is probably think oh dear they are having a barney tonight. Then think...hope they work it out.
The nothing. It's a non issue. Don't worry yourself.
Except is dp is shouting at you alot then thay needs to be adressed

I wouldnt mention it. We had the police at our house numerous times growing up but no one ever said anything....

Due to rows between my mum and stepdad I forgot to say

Why is it that no help was needed until you stood up for yourself and shouted back? His shouting is acceptable while yours is not?

Why is it that no help was needed until you stood up for yourself and shouted back? His shouting is acceptable while yours is not? Zucker has an excellent point.

Don't bother explaining yourself to the neighbours.

Do think about why you've been accepting being shouted at and make sure this doesn't become all about your reaction.

Hi, I've had a very similar situation recently, my husband gets really loud when he's stroppy, it's often not even to do with me but it's really frustrating when he won't stop shouting about it. Last time he did it I broke and screamed back at him as ignoring wasn't helping. I go round and make sure the windows are shut so the neighbours can't hear. We moved into a nice cul-de-sac in May and we are very much the new people on the street so I can't imagine what they just think. But it has only happened a couple of times and chances are they didn't even notice. It's often a lot louder and bigger of a problem in the house. Our old neighbours used to shout at each other daily and sometimes made me feel better that we're not the only people who raise voices from time to time!

I would recommend the empowered wife by Laura Doyle, it's a book that has some radical ideas but even if you pick some of the simpler things out of it, it could help your relationship.

Hope this helps xx

The only reason it bothers you so much is because your Dsd shouted when you were young and your found it embarrassing.

Im the same.

My DH rarely shouts but goes for it when he does. I always respond by saying I'm concerned about the neighbours and DH thinks I'm being overly sensitive.

Hi everyone, thank you so much for your lovely responses. It's nice to know we are not the only one who have loud arguments. I will definitely take a look at Laura D book, thank you for recommending! I think you are all right and we shouldn't be bothered about the neighbors but instead work on our communication. I'll try to be more reasonable next time and suggest the same to my DH. Thank you xxx

@H0709 reading Laura Doyle.. really spot on! I see myself in a lot of situations she describes, I.e being too controlling. I think this approach might help us argue less.

I'd be relieved to hear you screaming back OP. One sided shouting the other side of the wall is a worry.

We shout, our lovely neighbours shout, we just smile and say hello to each other in the street.

Ahhhh gosh, I had some hum dinger of a rows when DS was a teen. I too felt mortified. These have stopped now he's grown and, interestingly, the tables have turned and I hear our neighbours rowing with their kids. I'm just thankful those days are past and pity the poor buggers going through it now.

It's just life, op. It's not perfect. These Christmas ads tickle me. If you buy this stuff, you will have a perfect family Christmas. It's all bollocks imo.

Viletta

Not all people who live together shout at each other, not at all.

Does your DH shout at other people too or does he save this solely for you?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
You also grew up in a household where your dad shouted at your mother; it could well be that you married a carbon copy of your dad here. I would not concern myself with the neighbours here; I would be more concerned about you here within all this because this sort of behaviour he is showing you harms you.

I would not enter into any form of couples counselling with such a person. If counselling is done here you need to do this on your own.
Abuse as well is not about communication of a perceived lack of, its about power and control.

Are you really controlling here or is he the one being controlling?. Who starts these rows too; he?. What does he row about?

And why is it down to you seemingly to manage this; what is your DH doing here?.

I've had partners before and no one shouted at me. I think I've been controlling and demanding myself for a long time, I decided to let go of the control and see where it gets me. Thank you everyone for reassurance and being concerned. It's great to let it all out sometimes.