What to do? It's another Christmas separation one.

[mystifiedinbrighton]

I am struggling to decide what to do for the best.

I have been married for 5 years to DH, together for 10. 1 DS5 years and DD2. It has been a rocky road since before we got married, worsening once DS arrived. No DV but verbal and emotional abuse. A nice guy with a horrid, horrid side to him which only I see.

We separated last year, got counselling and I thought we were just about there in terms or rebuilding our relationship in to something we could see working for the foreseeable (insofar as one can ever think that!).

BUUUT, big backward step. DH made big decision re his lifestyle, which was a deal breaker for me, and has now reneged on that in a big way. He is saying one thing and doing another. I am devastated because I can either leave him, or nag him to change his lifestyle. Again.I have no doubt this will continue forever. It's been a fixture of our and his previous relationships.

After years of trying to make up my mind whether to stay or leave is best for DC, I have finally decided that I will be telling him I want to separate / divorce. However, I have come to this decision a mere few weeks before Christmas. Also DS birthday is in January.

Do I tell him now, or do I wait for another few months? Will separating now destroy Christmas and birthday for my DC?

Please help. I could really use some words of wisdom.

For me, it would be wait. Get all of your shit in one sock and be prepared. The time between now and then will be best spent figuring out what you're going to do, who is going where etc. And will alleviate any guilt that you may self inflict in future of spoiled christmases and birthdays x good luck xx

“ Get all your shit in one sock” - ❤️ it! Never heard that expression before

Presumably the lifestyle decision you are being coy about has something to do with illegal activities or illegal substances ?

What's the deal breaker?

lol at Shit in one sock.

Crikey no, lifestyle is def not illegal or anything like that. I can see why it sounds like that, but I can assure you nothing of the sort.

And thanks Jumblyhead

Do it now.

It’s several weeks until Christmas, as a child that’s forever. My sisters birthday is early Dec and mine late January, neither seemed remotely close to Christmas

Whatever dickhead has done is irrelevant to your question, so don’t get drawn in by the nosey boots!.

Thanks trees

I think there will always be a reason why now is not a good time - it's Christmas, a birthday, a holiday booked, exam time, etc.

If you wait for the perfect moment, you'll be waiting for ever.

Do it now and create a nice Christmas with your children, free in the knowledge that you'll be free if him soon.

Is this lifestyle choice alcohol related?

Thanks for replies. Lifestyle problem can be described as a catastrophic failure to balance life and work. So partially alcohol related in that if work life balance failure is not dealt with, alcohol will be used as a crutch.

It depends how well prepared you are legally. Do you have all the things in place which you’ll need ? Are you envisaging that he will move out ? Who’s the main earner and can you afford to manage on your own if he doesn’t cooperate financially ?

He will move out, I really don’t think there will be any argument. And I can manage financially, although he has generally earned a bit more than me, I will soon be overtaking him on that score.

I also think it depends where you are with getting your ducks in a row and if you have somewhere to go.
Are you the main carer for DC?

I am main carer, yes.

In that case, I'd do it now.
You will wait until after Christmas
Then your DC birthday
Then another birthday
Then Easter
Then you'll have a holiday booked.
Honestly, it's never ending.
There is never a good time.
The best time is when you feel ready and you want your space and you know it's best for the DC this way.

As it’s alcohol related then before Christmas may be the best option. If you wait the situation may worsen.
get your shit in one sock great expression

Wishing you all the best whatever you decide to do.

These replies are such a relief. I honestly didn’t know how I was going to last another couple of months when I finally know my mind and have made my decision.

I guess I am just worried about fallout.

Thank you all

No timing will be perfect.
Unfortunately the day I left exh was the day his dgf died.
Felt shit but dgf knew what I had been putting up with.
Do it sooner op. Dc off for a fortnight will be a good adjustment period and added bonus of festivities.
Your mh is important.

Have any of you managed to achieve that holy grail of being able to Co parent on friendly terms?

Op: I waited, three years to long and I always had an excuse. However I did wait it the last Xmas and sons birthday in January so I could have my head straight and know I had a period of time of calm to try steady the waters. I knew he’d react terribly. It’s taken him almost two years to stop being a shit. The kids however within two weeks felt settled in my new home (emotionally of course was a bit more challenging but they coped well).

Either wait until after or do it asap. You’ve enough time before Xmas to still make it special for the kids and it not feeling so strange. My friends dad walked out on his family on Xmas eve (dick) as a result he hates Christmas with a passion. I’m sure he wouldn’t feel like that if it would have been a month before or even two Weeks.

Good luck

Thanks pudding, i'm glad you got out. I'm pretty sure we won't be moving, and I hope I can focus on DC and give them a lovely Christmas.

Feel slightly sick tho atm

There’s no rules mystified and no perfect solution. It was sonhar for me to make the decision and what you should never forget is you count, your happiness counts as much as his or the kids. A happy mum has a happy home. I’m not saying it’s easy, but if you are that unhappy things need to change. Will he leave/ likely to cause a Scene? Does he know this is coming?