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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Seriously long post but I'm desperate for help!

13 replies

Catherineln · 25/11/2018 23:51

Hi Everyone,

Me and my husband have been together for 5 years and married for 1. I always had a good relationship with his dad, brothers and best friend. Well that was until our daughter was born.

When my husband's mum died I moved 100 miles to be with him, I left everything behind to support him. His dad and brothers would be round constantly. Then unfortunately we had a miscarriage at 16 weeks and I was critically unwell. I told him if I was to get pregnant again I'd be moving back home for the support of my family, I never once put him in the position he had to move with me. We had done long distance again I said I'd be willing to travel up every weekend. However he put his house up for sale and as soon as we had our daughter he moved up.

Since then his dad has only seen our daughter 4 or 5 times and his brothers haven't seen her for 2 years now. They are now kicking off because I won't cancel my plans one weekend before Christmas to drive her up to see them?

To make matters worse my husband's best friend. Jesus where do I even start. We asked him to be our daughters god father. I mean it's my husband's best friend he desperately wanted him to be god father. Me and his best friend have always had a love/hate relationship but it got much worse when we were planning the wedding. My husband didn't want to go abroad for his stag but because his best friends a big drinker he took him away to Barcelona for 5 nights. The night before they flew our daughter was rushed into hospital and we told his best friend that but his best friend confiscated his phone and refused to give it back. That's until my uncle who's a police officer rang up going insane. We had no other help from his best friend then for the wedding.

However a month before the wedding it was his best friends 30th birthday. His best friend wanted us both to go to Ibiza with him so I paid for us both to go. Now I don't live in people's pockets at all so said I didn't mind going out at night together but I wanted a day just me and my husband. When we got to Ibiza his best friend had planned every minute of our every day.

Fast forwarded 3 weeks we flew out for our wedding. We messaged his best friend to say we had made a few plans for our daughter and everyone else was coming. He told us his wife didn't want to do that. I also asked him to get ready with my husband the day of the wedding. He said his wife didn't want to be left alone to get ready on her own. He flew out on the Monday, the same day as my husband's family. Our husband's family surprised us at our hotel so we took them for cocktails as my best friend had our daughter. Whilst we were out his best friend text to say his wife was asleep and demanded my husband met him for a beer. Obviously he declined as we were out and then he tried to guilt trip him.

The day after we were going to a water park and invited them both. It was for our daughter as we wanted her to spend time with everyone before the wedding. She doesn't see these people very often and is very nervous and we didn't want that at the wedding. Again they declined. They eventually met us for tea and my husband's best friend and his wife ignored me ALL evening. He grabbed hold of my daughter and she was screaming the place down I asked him to put her down and he wouldn't. In the end my daughter was that stressed I had to leave to take her back to the hotel.

That was the night before the wedding. My husband's best friend then took him out and got him WASTED. I then found out when I'd nipped out during the day my husband had left our daughter with my friends and gone out drinking.

The wedding wasn't much better. His best friend was kicking off because I wouldn't have a photo of us 2 and them 2. Even though at his wedding I was 36 weeks pregnant, left on my own, ignored and in no photos. They ignored me again and it was so awkward. We had a party when we returned back to the UK and I did a speech thanking people for all the help they do for our DD and DH. Again his best mate kicked off because I didn't thank him.

Err thank him for what. Now his best friend has asked a couple of times for my DH and DD to go up and visit but I'm not invited. I've put my foot down and said my DH can go but not my DD. Why when he was 5 minutes away abroad could he not be arsed to see my DD but now he's a 2 hour drive away he wants to see her. Thing is the finger is always pointed at me. My DH was on a course with work the other week for 3 weeks he was 15 minutes away from his best friend but said he couldn't be arsed to see him.

However now it's Christmas all these 4 people are climbing out the wood works and demanding they see our DD and I have to cancel plans. As you can imagine all of this has courses A LOT of nasty arguments between me and my DH.

What would you do??!!

OP posts:
DancingInTheRainx · 26/11/2018 00:15

Id go with them and be sickly nice they would hate it but that's me xx what does DH think? and if DD went who would look after her? so no I wouldn't let it happen either, at least they don't live close, and why would or should you change your plans for someone so disrespectful, DH friend sounds a bit of an idiot x take care

MyKingdomForBrie · 26/11/2018 00:21

I don't really see what his father and brother have done that wrong, I think the best friend sounds difficult but to be honest so do you!

There's a lot of demanding and fussing on both sides.

I would be making more effort for DD to see her grandfather and uncle given that you moved DH away from them.

Cawfee · 26/11/2018 00:29

What are the plans that you can’t cancel? If it’s drinks with friends then personally, I’d cancel and let your DH take your DD to show her off to his family and friend. Some of us don’t have people who give a shit so it’s actually nice you’re getting invites! Just go and be friendly. You don’t have to win every battle you know! You sound like really hard work and at some point your poor DH(who is stuck in the middle) is going to get sick of you and dump you for somebody who’s actually pleasant to the people he loves!

DancingInTheRainx · 26/11/2018 00:34

aim at his BF not family I forgot to say xx

LemonTT · 26/11/2018 00:46

Why wouldn’t you want your daughter to see her family at Christmas? You should happy and on board for sorting out a visit to her grandad and uncle. Why are you creating such a drama and a fuss. Just find a compromise or concede to the date.

The only issue here is that you are head butting with his best friend in an unhealthy way. There are better ways to handle people like him. Your way is never going to work.

Got to agree you sound uncompromising and determined to get your own way. That is not going to make life easy for your DH in this situation. You run the risk of pushing him too far.

Singlenotsingle · 26/11/2018 00:48

Can't these people drive down to see you at your house instead? No doubt they want to see you all sometimes, somewhere? My dp moved away from his family to be with me when we got together, and we go down afsw days after Christmas, book a table in a pub/restaurant and spend the afternoon there.

PinsPegs · 26/11/2018 00:57

Blimey your husband has got off lightly in your post.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 26/11/2018 01:19

Yes, can't your husband do something to stop his toxic best friend acting like a twat? He's the one who should be stepping in to deal with this.

Jack65 · 26/11/2018 01:32

I think you all need to grow up, including you and your husband.

LadyGAgain · 26/11/2018 06:26

I would grow up.
BF didn't get your husband wasted. Your husband did that to himself.

Bechetdiagnosed · 26/11/2018 06:36

Sorry but you all sound like a 13yr olds.

YABVU not to facilitate a get together with his family before Christmas. You sound selfish tbh.

Shoxfordian · 26/11/2018 06:37

Your husband's friend sounds like a twat but then your husband is the one who went drinking with him.
It's fairly normal to have a picture with the best man and his wife at your wedding as well, not sure why you didn't do that. It all sounds exhausting tbh

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 26/11/2018 11:23

I think you sound incredibly controlling and immature. “I said my husband can go” oh thats mighty big of you, “letting” your husband visit friends.

Did he force booze down your husbands throat? Your husband is presumably an adult perfectly capable of saying no or leaving. And you were massively petty refusing to have a photo of you, your husband and his best friend/best friends wife. Honestly I cannot imagine acting in that way, it is so incredibly immature. And yes, you should cancel your plans to tags your dd to visit your husbands family. How impossibly selfish can you be? You say you had no expectations for your husband to move to be with you and his daughter but you didn’t give him much choice. He had to move if he wanted to be involved in his daughters life.

You sound selfish and immature and I feel sorry for your husband.

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