Should I feel guilty about mil? What to do?

[Mikesh909]

We have 2 under 2, youngest is 3m so I am currently on mat leave.

My DPs (retired) live a days drive away. Mil (still working) lives on the opposite side of the city we live in. There is no fil on the scene.

My dps are very keen gps and see us as much as they can. We're always welcome to stay at theirs and they come here pretty frequently, although they stay overnight elsewhere. Mil is also a keen gm and I find myself feeling guilty that we don't see her as much as she would like.

The issues preventing / contributing to this are 1) dh is a crap communicator where she is concerned (although tbf he is working ft, does loads of childcare and house stuff and is just knackered most of the time), 2) she has no transport, doesn't drive and although on the surface lives much more locally it's v time consuming to get to hers from ours, 3) she works ft as does my dh who also often has to do at least one weekend shift, 4) her living situation is a little unorthodox in that she is a lodger in someone's house, we have never and I presume will not ever be invited there, 5) I have a real need to get out the house every day, it's not my natural choice especially in winter but I find the two dc a thousand times more manageable if we're not sitting at home all day trying to stop the toddler climbing on the baby, 6) it is hard enough dreaming up stuff for us to do that is somewhat enjoyable for all involved. If we drive somewhere, there is no space in our car for a 5th passenger, 7) (and here is where I sound like a real bitch and my guilt finds its roots) she is a fairly needy and anxious person and I actually find all her worrying hard to take.

All that being said, I know she wishes she spent more time with us, she's always surprised (upset?) to hear that we've done x or y with my family or that they've been down or we've been up again. I know she raised my husband and she deserves my respect, our time and to be included. I just don't know how to do that. I feel like my dh should figure it out but I do have to cut him some slack in terms of the amount he has got on his plate right now.

Any advice?

Are you OK to have her over without your DH? So go collect her and have a structured day out, pressure off you to entertain her?

Blimey, that’s a bit of a nightmare.

Well she has to come to you, and it has to be when dh is around so that does limit things. Can you plan a couple of months ahead and invite her over say once every two months? Can she and dh take the kids out in your car and you have some downtime without them?

Thanks for replying.

I forgot to add that I don't drive myself so my picking her up is out. She is happy to come to us and does so on occasion. It just takes hours on public transport so there's not really any 'popping in' potential. And I just do not enjoy days spent entirely at home. I wish I did, but I find things much less stress inducing out somewhere. I hope this will change as the dc get older.

I like the idea of her and dh taking kids out... the youngest is still exclusively bf so that will have to wait a while but definitely a longer term possibility, so thank you!

If you get in ok with her surely there is some place you can meet that's more central for you both. And if it suits you both you could have a cup of coffee or a walk whilst she spends some time with the oldest or just meet you for lunch.

She is not your parent, but as long as she isn't too difficult it's not unreasonable for you to spend some time with her if your husbands hours make it tricky at the weekends etc.

Yes arrange to meet her for coffee/lunch. She'll love it and it only needs to be for an hour or so if that suits you and you get out with DC. Ticks all the boxes! You sound like a nice Dil prepared to make some effort.

Starry this is exactly what we usually end up doing - meeting for lunch / wander round town. I guess that used to work quite well but I feel it's becoming less ideal, mostly on account of toddler dc. Probably no need to explain further there, assume you are familiar with toddlers! Busy weekend, city centre, buggy plus toddler plus newborn plus sling... it is do-able though, as I said this is our default.

Maybe part of it is just that the whole relationship is so different to those with my own family, but for some reason I seem inclined to expect it to be similar? And then I somehow end up feeling guilty that it's not.

Lunch with 2 under 2 would be my idea of hell. Get her to meet you at a playgroup or soft play once a week?

Sadly she still works ft or that would be ideal. There aren't many options that are open at weekends here...

I know you said you don’t like staying in, but surely if MIL is there as well then the kids will be easier to manage? Perhaps she could do some colouring/painting with your older child while you spend time with the baby and then the next time you could swap.