I'm feeling a bit stuck and would love some advice

[Catren]

As the title suggests. Sorry if it's too long and hopefully the paragraphs work..!

My situation is that my dh and I have a 3yo dc, i work part time 3 days and dh is full time in a senior position in finance. I do all nursery drop offs, and he does one pick up (of three) with me doing the other two.

The problem is that I'm really lonely in our marriage and it's related to his work. He started at his job coming home around 7.30pm each night, which meant we could eat together and have an evening to chat and organise ourselves etc. But over the last 6-9 months it's all changed. He leaves at 7am, is home between 10pm-midnight most nights (except for the day he does pick up and we all eat together), often working weekends too.

He's so exhausted and stressed, and feels the financial responsibility to do well for us. I earn about £50k which isn't bad for pt but it's about a third of his salary so we definitely rely on his income. Luckily we don't have the wolves at our door so could cut down in many ways to have a simpler life. Which I think I'm craving. I guess i'm trying to say that i'm not financially reliant in itself, but i'm not even a 50/50 earner in the household. Not sure if that matters?

We now hardly see each other, and it's taking its toll on our marriage. He is a really kind loving husband, a great dad when he's around and i think he's been swept up in the cycle of long hours, bonuses, promotions etc when i honestly don't care about any of it. I'd so much prefer his time.

It was always a plan for him to kill it for 5 years or so and have an exit strategy but i don't see it happening, and we're into year 7 of it. I feel guilty for saying I miss him and that i wish he could spend more time on weekends with us. He says he wishes he could too, but surely if he really meant it he'd look for something more suited to spending this time together?

He's pretty unhappy with it i think, doesn't socialize much as he's working so hard and is tired, and actually isn't that much fun to be around as a result - quite stressed and moany.

He feels he's not in control of his time, and has lost touch with the 'life admin' that we used to share (budgeting, insurance, savings, decisions on things). I now manage everything to do with the house and our child, which i don't mind but again he has no idea about the day to day, which isn't great.

So do I put even more pressure on him by telling him all this, so he feels that his wife isn't happy and it's all not worth it? Or just plough on through and hope it calms down, and discuss future plans then?

I have friends and family etc. who i see so it's not about relying solely on him for social interaction. I miss my dh, want more family time, and a simpler life and don't know how to fix it.

Thanks in advance.

Ffs the paragraphs disappeared.

I suppose the first thing is are you certain he is at work?

There's nothing you can do but communicate with him about it.

He's missing his child growing up. You don't get these years back.

You both earn a VERY healthy amount of money. Many happy families spend time together and have nice lives on a lot less than even what you alone earn.

It's about priorities. You need to sit down and reassess together what your priorities are. If you can agree on changes then you can start to make them happen. But nothing will change unless you talk to him.

If you posted to get some perspective on whether what you're asking for is reasonable - then yes of course it is. He promised a five year plan and he's already gone over that. You have every right to ask him why that's happened and where you go from here.

Money isn't everything. You alone earn more than me and my dp put together. And life is short. He should get himself to the gp and get his blood pressure tested.

You do need to have a conversation with him about slowing down, for your sake for DC's same and for the sake of his health.

Thanks so much for your replies.

snow, yep he's definitely at work, i know his team mates pretty well from a few work things I've been to, is clearly on his work email when he's on his phone and there's none of that behaviour of sneaking around or hiding his phone etc. Good question though as it might sound dodgy.

Iris and single thanks so much for your advice. Communication is clearly lacking. I guess i was looking for reassurance that i'm not crazy and things need to change, so that's helped.

Money is definitely not everything and i posted about our income mainly to make the point that it hasn't bought us happiness and was never what i set out to become a part of. It's like a spiral, and if we could just jump off and have some time to talk it through im sure we'd get to a better place. It's picking the moment when he's not super stressed and tired, and i guess i don't want to seem ungrateful or whiney so need to get my thoughts straight so it doesn't go down an emotional black hole and end in an argument.

Maybe if we took a couple of days off, not to go anywhere but just to sort out some of this it might help. Right now it's an effort to find the time to plan anything like this, and communicating on WhatsApp.

It's hard feeling lonely in a marriage but you can't repair things if you don't speak to each other. Is he being put under pressure at work?

I think you owe it to yourself and him to be honest about how you feel, or things will just drift on indefinitely. I have been in a similar position but I was the one working all hours. It's easy to get trapped.

Arrange to go out for an evening and have an honest conversation about it.

I would tell him that he needs to scale back or he will just end up burned out anyway and divorced!! No employer can expect this either so he needs to be honest with them

Ask him what sort of relationship he hopes to have with adult dc..
My exh was a workaholic. We divorced and he hasn't seen dc for over ten years.....

I think your idea to take a break for a couple of days to talk about your needs as individuals and as a family is a good idea. It’s probably worth separating them as they might not be the same. It gives you the opportunity to also think about things you would want individually but that you sacrifice for the family. I think women forget about their own wishes and ambitions a lot because they prioritise family life. It would do him good to know that you may have unfulfilled ambitions and for you to voice them.

I can empathise with you and hope my experience which is unresolved is helpful. We are at a different stage of life, being older and coming up to retirement. That’s not soon enough for me. He could retire but has consistently deferred this opportunity. The very idea being like a bereavement to him. Instead he works long unpredictable hours in a very stressful career/ vocation. He recently started working partime due to ill health and the difference is astounding. He is happier and he is learning how to enjoy life outside work. He vowed never to return and couldn’t wait for full retirement. But he is now talking about taking up a new intense role. I can see the gleam in his eye. I have counselled against but I do so knowing that his self esteem and identity are very caught up in his work, despite the stress and frustration of the work. It’s a hard one to fight. I recognise that I too value his commitment to his vocation and his innate desire to help people so I don’t push too hard. I do think I am getting close to persuading him to finally let go by encouraging him to redirect his basic ambitions elsewhere in less intense roles. It helps that he is now gets the idea of being “present”and engaged in family life not just there (asleep on the sofa).

So my advice really is to find out what is driving him to work like this before you have the discussion. Is it his own ambition and sense of competitiveness or is he worried about job security? Do not underestimate how much his self esteem or male pride is tied up with work. Having some real insight can help you both think of alternatives ways to live as a family. Or just help you understand each other better.

Thanks everyone. We had a bit of a talk last night and he feels like it was 'our' decision for him to take this job and it's not his fault. He's feeling under pressure to deliver this year and sees that there are a few things we need to pay for then we need to decide what our next plan is. I sort of agree although think there will always be things we need, and what's getting me down is an unending situation, living in a bit of a limbo.

I certainly didn't sign up for him working these hours (neither did he, in his mind) but it sounds like he can be more disciplined and not just stay late 'because he can'. I'm sort of annoyed that coming home earlier might have been an option but again i think he's making commitments he can't really keep in terms of saying he'll be around more without a real change.

I think his identity is very much tied up in his job, and sense of worth as he's not got anything else on at the moment. The fact I work from home doesn't help either, since all morning/eve child care falls to me because i'm around and don't have a commute.

We've agreed to take a couple of days off in the next month or so to plan things out a bit. And some relationship counseling too although he'll need to find time for that.

Its hard in that he's sacrificing a lot in working this hard, and he doesn't treat himself - e.g. he hasn't bought himself any new clothes in years (except what i buy him for birthdays etc.). Ok enough rambling, that's my update!