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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I leave my DH?

20 replies

CountrysideGirl · 25/11/2018 21:49

I feel like we're coming to the end of the road for our marriage. I just don't know practically how I end things.
He owns most the house, he earns 70% of our income. I feel financially trapped. How do I practically make this possible?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 25/11/2018 21:53

Do you have children together? Ownership of the house doesn't matter - you are a legal partnership.

Have a look at the Entitled To website for tax credit details.

Renarde1975 · 25/11/2018 21:53

Have you any children OP?

Original poster
CountrysideGirl · 25/11/2018 21:56

Yes we have 2 children who are 5y & 3y. I don't even know where to start...

We're tenants in common for our house and my share is 35% so I wouldn't be left with much, certainly not enough to buy a new place.

OP posts:
Scardanelli · 25/11/2018 22:02

Are you married, @CountrysideGirl? If so, the financial side may not be quite as ruinous as you fear. Tenants in Common is obviously less good than Joint Tenants - but if you are married, I believe marriage will over-rule anything else. I'm sorry you are going through this. It's no fun.

Original poster
CountrysideGirl · 25/11/2018 22:07

Yes we're married. Bloody MIL insisted we were tenants in common as my DH inherited money when his father died. Another bone of contention between us.

I presume it's better I stay in the house for the time being? I can't afford the mortgage on my own but until things are sorted I don't know what else I can practically do.

OP posts:
Scardanelli · 25/11/2018 22:13

Hmm, @CountrysideGirll I am not sure about the legalities of t-i-c vs marriage. My own sense is that marriage trumps t-i-c, but a lawyer would be able to confirm this.I certainly hope this goes in your favour.

As for staying in the house: I was advised by a lawyer when I left Xh that I needed to stay put as he might otherwise be able to argue that I could evidently cope as I could make alternative arrangements. This meant I had to carry on living with him for a while, which was not fun. Neither of us could afford the mortgage on our own. We now both have houses, mortage-free. Mine is minuscule (still coming to terms with this - marital home was massive, as was my childhood home, so this is a come-down), but I chose location over size.

Josuk · 25/11/2018 22:21

OP - see a solicitor - it is possible that the marital home will still be treated as a marital asset and you get a half or it, at least....

Josuk · 25/11/2018 22:21

This was a quick google - but really - start with a solicitor

How do I leave my DH?
category12 · 25/11/2018 22:28

Legal advice pronto regarding the the assets of the marriage.

Ozziewozzie · 25/11/2018 22:28

Op advice of getting legal advice is the best place to begin. First half an hour is usually free. I’d prepare first and write down things you have concerns with ie what your rights are, finances, will he be able to remain in house for some time? How assets are divided, child care costs, securing money for yourself.

redastherose · 25/11/2018 22:45

The fact that you own your home as tenants in common should be largely immaterial. The Divorce will equalise things so they will look at the whole pot of marital assets and a settlement has to be agreed on an equitable basis. So if he earns more because your career took a hit when you had DC's then they will look at that. I understand that the starting point is 50/50 and then you negotiate what is fair and reasonable in the circumstances.

Original poster
CountrysideGirl · 26/11/2018 07:12

Thank you for the advice everyone. I'll see a solicitor asap. I literally have nothing and took a huge pay cut leaving my stressful job to be at home more for the children and so DH could focus on his job.

I asked him to go and stay elsewhere last night as it's taking it's toll on everyone. He's pretending like nothing was said last night...

OP posts:
Original poster
CountrysideGirl · 26/11/2018 07:15

@Scardanelli what you said about houses is very likely to be the outcome for me. The area we live in now and where DS is at school is v expensive. I also don't earn enough at the moment to get any form of mortgage so feel pretty screwed. It's scary when the life you've built is crumbling away. I'm facing being a single of mum of 2 small DC being on benefits for the 1st time in my life.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 26/11/2018 07:41

I take it you're both unhappy in the marriage? No chance of working on it?

Do you have access to cash, apart from your earnings?

I think his mum was looking out for him...lots of men get financially screwed...however the better form of protection would habe been a prenup.

That said...you've had 2 kids. Your career and earnings have taken a hit... so income earned during the marriage and assets would all be brought to the table regardless.

anniehm · 26/11/2018 07:44

Do see a solicitor for advice, also look into employment options for you. An amicable split is so much better for you both, not to mention a lot cheaper. The house split can be negotiated along with split of other assets, plus it's often the case ( if there's sufficient equity for a modest property to be purchased outright from the sale of the marital property) that you can receive that in lieu of any access to pension funds etc which also form part of total assets. Moving area might be a necessity, but dc's are young and will cope fine. It's really hard but do consider mediation and counselling, like many we got close but did turn things around.

Original poster
CountrysideGirl · 26/11/2018 08:33

We are going to counselling but the more my DH opens up the more I think we're beyond repair. It's complicated as he has PTSD that he won't get treatment for and is pretty vile to live with. The cause of this was 3 years ago (we've been together 10 years) and I don't recognise the person he's become. I think if he was willing to get help and I saw that he was committed to getting better then we could have a future. At the moment I'm not seeing any of that and me and the children are his emotional punch bags...

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 26/11/2018 08:48

I'm sorry to hear that. It must be very difficult.

Have you posted about this recently? I remember something similar...PTSD and losing it with violent outbursts.

Legal advice is a good way forward, if you can't work out an arrangement between you.

Does he know you want to end things/seperate?

Lozzerbmc · 26/11/2018 09:00

Horrible situation for you OP but in divorce you would be awarded more of house because you would have 2dcs. My friend was awarded 75pc of equity as she needed house for 2 dd’s. It helps you gave up a well paid job as that should go in your favour. Also best to stay put but as said before get legal advice before you do anything. Good luck

Original poster
CountrysideGirl · 26/11/2018 09:37

Thank you. That's encouraging to hear. I would just want to put a roof over my kids head and ideally keep them at the school where they are. Basically disrupt their lives as much as possible. I've arranged to see a friend whose a family lawyer later in the week.

He's not physically violent. He's just totally emotionally detached, sniddy, joy less, depressed and horrible to me and the children. It's changed him so much but he can't or refuses to see that.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 26/11/2018 13:58

That's awful, being nasty to his children as well as you; this will be damaging them so get yourself into action asap OP and get away from the dick.

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