Help with my relationship and my partner's 'ways'

[Leannio1990]

New to this but really need some advice.

I've been with my partner 5 years and we're married. Overall we're really happy! He treats me better than anyone ever has and I love him more than I could've imagined. But..I'm aware that there are issues and worry about this as we plan(planned) to have a baby in the future.

My partner has had depression/anxiety diagnosed for over 20 years and it's very evident that he struggles with it. He's completely closed off which I've always accepted as I understand that things like this take time. He has alot of built up anger and tends to react to things he doesn't like based on those feelings.

The thing I struggle with the most is how he reacts to me. He will speak to me in the worst ways sometimes and this is very often. I can cope with most things but after so long of it I now struggle to deal with it. I've spoke with him about it but this does usually end up in an argument. Maybe I'm delivering it the wrong way I don't know. But we've come to a point where were looking at marriage counselling but I honestly don't think my partner will react well to it although he has agreed to go.

I know this info is pretty limited so I'm prepared to give any further info but I just need some help! Thanks

If he speaks to you that badly and he's treats you better than anyone else then you've got a problem.

Constructive, thanks.

Is he getting any help,with his depression and anxiety? Can you get him to see a Gp or get some counselling?

I agree with what Shox says above.

Is is horrible all the time, or occasionally when things bottle,up?

Sorry, but if he loves and respects you enough to plan a life and children with you, he should be trying to make you happy - not speaking disrespectfully and making you miserable. Something's seriously wrong and you need to deal with it before going any further with this relationship. Otherwise disaster lies ahead.

And, if you do sort it out, get married before having DC. Please!

So he often speaks to you in the worst ways.

He’s completely closed off and has a lot of built up anger.

When you speak to him about your feelings it ends up in an arguement.

He’s had depression and anxiety for over 20 years.

Thes are all red flags. Please don’t have a baby with him.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Did your dad for instance speak to your mother in such a way too?.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE. He has well and truly blown that out of the water.

What is there to love about this man?. He may treat you "nice" at other times but that may well be actually the nice part of his nice/nasty cycle of abuse. Such a cycle is a continuous one.

I would question why you are with him at all actually given what you have written about him with regards to you. And no I would not want to bring children into this either. Do not get pregnant by him.

I would not enter into joint counselling with him at all given his verbally abusive treatment of you. No decent counsellor would want to see the two of you in the same room anyway given his abuses of you.

What is he like to others in the outside world; how does he treat people around him and work colleagues?. Is this from him solely reserved for you?. He may well be diagnosed with depression but that does not give him a hall pass to speak to you in the worse possible ways; it grinds you down and you end up not knowing which way is up. Hence where you are now.

A chat with Womens Aid may go a long way to help you move forward as well. 0808 2000 247 is their number to call.

Plrase do not bring children into this fucked up dynamic

I ignored cracks in the relationship and had kids and deeply regret it. All those cracks were split right open by having children.

Tbh it doesn't sound like a great relationship and my advice is that it is better to get out now. He obviously has long standing issues.

Don't stay because you feel sorry for him for his 'issues'. You matter more than that. Don't put yourself second for any adult.

I left my husband who had anxiety and depression. He still bleats on now about how I left him when he was ill.
Yes, he was ill. But he was vile to me. Said really awful, horrible, hurtful things and expect me to just put up with it as he was ill and he couldn’t help it. Except he could because he didn’t speak to anyone else like that.
You need to have a long hard look at your relationship, what you get out of it and what you want from your future. It might be worth saving, it might not. Only you know. But verbal abuse is not ok, no matter what it’s dressed up as.

It's true if not very constructive
My advice is that you should leave. Life is too short for this shit.

I've spoke with him about it but this does usually end up in an argument. Maybe I'm delivering it the wrong way I don't know

See, this is another red flag to me. I wasted a decade trying to find the 'right' way to communicate with my husband. Thinking, if only I could find the 'right way', the 'right words' then I would get through to him. But really, the problem wasn't with my communication, or yours, the problem is his. Only he can fix it. I agree with pp. Marriage counselling is for two normal functional adults. Your husband has his own problems that he needs to recognise and work on himself. You don't have a marriage problem. HE has a problem.

I know you love him. I loved my husband too. On my honeymoon I remember thinking that I couldn't imagine anyone loving their husband as much as I loved mine. But that was a problem. As I loved him so much that I pushed aside and excused all the, in retrospect, very obvious warning signs and red flags. But really, love is NOT enough. It really isn't. I have learnt that very painful lesson. A relationship is based on two people who regard each other as equals, see each other as people in their own right, and respect and care for each other. Your relationship doesn't sound like that. Neither was mine. How do I feel about my husband now? Honestly? I utterly despise him. And I have no respect for myself for staying with him for so long.

Even if people are ill you still have to have boundaries. It's ok for him to be down, frustrated and so on, but it's not ok to do the things you mentioned.

Tell him that he says hurtful things you will just walk away from him, either leave the room or where ever you are and if this isn't effective, spend the night with parents or friends. Put a limit on how much you will tolerate. Does he put other people down like he does you?

Have a look at these strategies from Out of the FOG outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/10/21/anger

Sorry OP but I would not bring a child into a situation like that at all and ever!

You do not know whether bringing a baby into it might exacerbate his condition even more.

Pretty much what everyone else said. This will get worse when you have children. Much worse. Most domestic abuse starts in pregnancy and your DH sounds like a volcano waiting for an excuse

His treatment of you is deliberate, selective and targeted. If he was so mentally ill he would be ranting and raving at his work colleagues and every passer by on the street. He will never change if you stay.

What people are saying is that your 2 statements do not match. He can’t be treating you the nicest you have ever known if he is also treating you really badly. So perhaps you have some past experience of how you have been treated and don’t seem to recognise how unhealthy and bad his behaviour is. You have attached his behaviour to his mental health instead of to his personality. I don’t know how old he is but a guess is in his 30’s and thinks he’s been this way for 20 years, which is essentially his whole adult life. And you have known him for 5 years and nothing has changed? It’s worse now? People are warning you it could continue to get worse and never better. Meanwhile you are wasting your life waiting for him to ‘get better’

Not sure if this is relevant to your experience but a friend of mine was in a similar position and one day said to her DH calmly to not get personal with her, that no matter how frustrated she was with him she wasn't ever derogatory and she wouldn't expect to be spoken to in such a manner by anyone, never mind her partner. She also validated by saying how what he said made her feel. Rather than saying"you do X..." It's "I feel this way". No one can argue with how you feel. They're your feelings. It seemed to click with him and has made a difference as to how he is with her when he's in the depths of depression.

I left my ex last year, after 3 decades. He was abusive, but also had depression on and off, the last time being the last couple of years together. He claimed all his behaviour was the result of the depression, but I have never bought that, since our DCs have depression and don't behave like abusive dicks.

I also tried to find the "right way" to talk to ex, put up with constant digs and being talked down to, I could go on.

OP, I think you really need counselling for yourself. I'm not sure your DH can be treating you well based on what you write.

If it’s true that someone who ‘very often’ speaks to you in the ‘worst ways’ is treating you better than ‘anyone you’ve ever had’, you must have had some fairly dire relationships.

Suppressed anger and verbal abuse are not good signs in a relationship.

He is abusive yet you feel he is treating you better than anyone else has ever done

You’ve done nothing wrong apart from keep living with him.