Advice on partners behaviour

[Nursemama2]

Hi all - this is my first post and I’ve joined purely for advice as I’m too embarrassed to ask friends ..

I have been with my partner almost a year, he is great with my daughter and I get on so well with this. I’d say we have a good relationship - obviously we have ups and downs like a lot of couples.

We have always had an amazing sex life from when we met and it’s only got better - sometimes having sex multiple times in the day when we’re both off work.

In the summer time a females name popped up on his snapchat - never had him down as hiding things or a cheat etc but he was quite odd about this when he seen I seen.

This lead me to look through his phone which is something I never would have done - snap chat thing was fine it was a random girl who he actually appeared to have never spoken to. But his internet history was something to be desired.

Every day nearly he was on porn sites - before sex, after sex (worked out times) .. times when he was “in the toilet” even times when we were all in the house!!

I told him this makes me feel really insecure and not comfortable with myself as it was SO MUCH. Couple months later I checked again and he’s still doing it - either searching celeb female names or porn. I was admitted to hospital with ill health and the emotion of it all worrying that he’d be on porn a lot made it all surface again - I said I feel on edge because of it all. He said no one compares to me blah blah and that’s it no more porn.

So for a couple months I haven’t looked at his phone as I took his word but once again longer bathroom trips, things not being done in the house - so I looked again. This time he’s searching really weird things like watching men have sex with sex dolls which are tiny things - I found this quite disturbing!! Also women of a different ethnicity, even googling character names off his game red dead redemption and typing after them “xxx” to try and find explicitly out of this!! As well as this Pokemon xxx and princess peach xxx - on top of all the other stuff! I mean wtf! It looks like he’s deleted a lot of history (obviously he doesn’t want me to see) but has forgotten to delete this more recent weird stuff.

Now il explain how it’s effecring me. I don’t want to dress up in nice underwear for him because I now can’t stop thinking of the hundreds of other women (or cartoons - if I didn’t laugh I’d cry) he’s got himself off to. On top of this even during sex I’m wondering if he’s thinking of that? When I’m at work I’m wondering if he’s on it (yes he was on Thursday it was on his history- I guessed this as nothing was done at home) also he even done it in the hotel bathroom in Disneyland!

I am on edge all the time. I don’t even wanna watch shows such as I’m a celebrity incase he’s perving.

What do I do? I genuinely am considering ending it as I’m so insecure.

Also the other poster who mentioned it escalating has a good point, it's possible it'll escalate in frequency (though it already sounds bad) and worse, escalate in the extremity of the material.

Did you say you have a child/daughter? That's worrying.

Is get the fuck rid of him tbh. He's probably not going to change, just hide it, lie or lessen and then relapse.

Yes and he also has a child. The dolls on the videos did have breasts and women bodies it’s jusg they were small! Very weird. Any porno involving a doll is weird though! He watches dare I say “normal” porn as well, basically it just seems like he can’t stop as it’s ALWAYS on his history. So now I’ve read all responses I’m not being irrational or overly upset? This definitely isn’t normal is it?

Well I knew there was some messed up stuff out there but have to say all this has blown my mind. And not in a wow isn't this interesting sort of way, more a cold shiver down my spine this is super creepy kind of way.

Op, you must have very low self esteem to think this is either normal or acceptable. If anything you are under-reacting. He is treating you with total disrespect by lying and gas lighting you and he doesn't sound lovely at all. You are only in this a year, get out now before you have children together, it's really not worth it as you can never trust him and your life will be like this forever if you stay,, always wondering, checking up and feeling shit about yourself as a consequence.

Oh god...it would be a no brainer for me if he is Googling sex with child dolls. That's sickening and paedophile kind of behaviour. I'd get rid of him straightaway as I'd be concerned when he was going to cross the line especially with regard to the fact you have a daughter.

Thank you all for your help. I’m going to end it as it’s ruining my confidence, self esteem and also making me very uncomfortable x

Hello everyone I'm a newbie and this is my 1st comment so hope it's ok! but Im gutted for you and know exactly how you feel nursemama2......except I've been married 9 years to my husband and 3 beautiful children,I thought everything was perfect 😕 he had always said he wasn't into porn and didn't need to watch it etc etc but I found out last year when he had came home from working nights and had gone upstairs to "sleep" I was downstairs with our 3 yr old and 6wk old baby...I snuck up to get some baby mittens from our bedroom and lets just say he was far from asleep! 😲 i was and still am heartbroken about it, his history showed the days,times and sites he had seen and it was almost daily (even on the day our son was born) which makes me feel sick that I was in hospital with our new born baby and hurting etc and meanwhile he was sorting himself out! so disrespecful! what hurts the most is the fact hes lied about it and now I don't trust him at all.......lots of sites and people on them see porn and masturbation as normal and healthy and that all men do it etc but I see it as disloyal and in a weird way I almost feel cheated on,dont know what or where to go from here,he is the only man I've ever been with and Ive never even looked in another man's direction so this is very hurtful.sorry not been very useful op but ive bottled this up for a year now and needed to let it out X

That’s exactly how I’m feeling and I’ve done the same as you - Googling to see if it’s normal and a lot of links are saying yes all men do it. But I think the amount he does and also the sex doll thing which is just completely bizzare to me! Why watch porn with a fake doll woman. I’ve even googled that and apparently men want to marry these dolls 😂😂😂 I feel like sending him a link I seen on the news about it saying enjoy your new girlfriend as it will not be me anymore! I really am upset and annoyed by it all. I am paranoid all the time incase he’s upto no good with it xx

All men not behave like this, in fact not all men even like looking at porn, so don’t let anyone make you think it’s normsl behaviour.

I think his behaviour is really disturbing. You’ve got an active sex, but he’s off numerous times a day looking at porn! Yuk!!

Get rid of him.

"Yes and he also has a child. The dolls on the videos did have breasts and women bodies it’s jusg they were small! Very weird. Any porno involving a doll is weird though! He watches dare I say “normal” porn as well."

Well then perhaps it's because the mini dolls are easier to store, hide, transport etc., who knows.

But even if there's nothing paedo-y in it (!), The extent to which he uses porn sounds excessive. It sounds like an addiction.

In my experience, most men (not all) use porn, (as do I sometimes) but his use sounds excessive. It's the difference between a drink now and then and alcoholism, isn't it.

(I'm female by the way, just in case that was confusing).

Well I’ve confronted him and he’s saying he’s so angry with himself and he will get rid of his smartphone and use a basic one - I said why not just keep your phone and not do it?! I said even if it wasn’t much I never would have been bothered but it’s the sheer volume, content and doing it when I’m there. Now he’s flipped it round saying he’s going to be living under my constant “survellience”. I’ve said not to then and enjoy his weird silicone doll porn alone. I’m so mad!

To me that sounds like a. I'll switch from my smart phone to a basic one cause if I have a smart phone, I won't be able to stop myself. Again sounds addictive ( plus Id be inined to think he'll just find other ways/devices).

And b. He's 'under surveillance' because his porn habit became so obvious to you, they're disturbing you/annoying you/making you feel bad etc (understandably by the sounds of it) so you started checking to see the full extent. That wouldn't have happened of his porn habits weren't so pronounced that they intruded on your life and relationship. So it's. Bullshit basically.

It's like cheaters saying 'you were checking up on me, you invaded my privacy'. Yeah, usually the cheated on person had good reason, had a correct instinct and was proven right.

This is so rank I couldn't even be in the same room with someone like this. Would be an absolute dealbreaker for me