DH and I met when we were young, started dating at 17, broke up briefly around 22 (I dated someone else) then married at 25. We are now 46 with four DCs. DCs are happy and doing well, DH has a good job which he likes, he is affectionate, loving, and faithful. Earlier this year I fell in love with another man (he wasn't in love with me - for the OM it was just distraction and amusement, and his wife wasn't paying attention to him). It was banter and playful chat for a couple of months, then some virtual sex toward the end, DH found out, and it ended. DH forgave me and (after the initial shock and hurt) was gentle, loving, and helped me to think through why and how it got that far. I am - mostly - finally over the OM (or rather the fantasy of the OM because in reality he's not that great).
But now I have deep worries about my relationship with DH. Our relationship started when we were both getting out of very difficult childhood situations and needed safety and security. Our marriage was great for that - we are always kind, supportive, take the other point of view, etc. We rarely/never argue or fight. But there was never a spark of attraction or lust on my side, even in the beginning (there is for DH, and he is still very attracted to me) The OM earlier this year (after 20 years of marriage) was a complete shock to both of us. I've been so focused on being good to DH the last few months, but every time I think of our marriage continuing I feel depressed - like I will miss out on a major part of being alive - the feeling of absorption and surrender with another person. Or perhaps it's the thought of being in such a caretaking relationship all of my life that feels suffocating. Right now I tell myself each day that today I will be good to DH and DCs and that is enough for now, that it will feel better soon, but I have such a feeling of suffocation. I am worried I'll end up with deep regrets about how I've spent my life. I am not sure what to do other than to keep taking it a day at a time until something else becomes clear.