Please tell me your stories of overcoming a betrayal in your relationship

[WisdomOfCrowds]

What did you do to move past it? How long did it take? What's your relationship like now? Do you properly trust them again or is one eye always open?

I found out last week that my partner has been lying to me about something huge for months which has had massive practical consequences that it's now too late to do much about. I feel so angry and hurt that I can't imagine ever trusting or respecting him again. But we have children and (I thought) a good life together so I want to at least try.

(Just in case: lazy journo scum please fuck off)

It depends what kind of betrayal you mean. My ex partner cheated on me during our relationship, we stayed together had a little girl but you never fully trust them again and the hurt is very hard to get over and move on from. I didn't ever trust him again actually, I was constantly wondering what he was doing where he was. We broke up for good when our daughter was 8 months old as he cheated again. Once our daughter was born I would never accept betrayal from him, if I did I would only be teaching our daughter that the way he treated me is acceptable and it isn't.
Betrayal is very hard to get over and you never fully will, you will always have the betrayal in the back of your mind.

I agree with the pp, I don't think you ever feel the same trust once it has been broken. Im sure its not ehat ypu want to hear though. You can attempt to forget it but usually that ends in resentment further down the line. I've tried many times to move past a breaking of trust in various relationships but, just as it would be with a friend rather than a partner, you won't forget what has happened. There's a lot to be said for 'once bitten twice shy'.

I think it depends how much practical work the other party is prepared to put in.

If you're the one who's been betrayed, then be careful not to dance around and think that YOU are the one who has to fix this. I often see people who've been cheated on (for example) throw themselves into "working on" the relationship, reading up on infidelity, researching counsellors, examining their own hang ups, while the cheating pos who actually did the betraying does basically fuck all, apart from apologise a bit.

So don't leap into thinking this is something you have to fix, OP - what is your partner doing about it?

I tried for some months to move past it. Just couldn't do it. So we separated and it was the best decision for both of us. I personally think that of a person cheats or lies in a relationship that they very rarely change ( though they probably get better at hiding it)

Its really difficult.
I found out 4 months ago my partner has been cheating, chasing other woman and lying to me for the past 4 years. Hes also an alcoholic. Even though hes given up the alcohol and hes remorseful its so difficult to move forwards. I have terrible anxiety over it all and tbh i dont know how much longer o can keep going at it.
Its tough

I think you both have to want to stay together. This is alright to say but it's actions isn't it?
So you both could chat about fie instance how to have a better family life, and make concrete plans - see what ideas he comes up with.

The biggest thing for me would be sex. Do you both still want to sleep with each other and has the ow gone away?

I don't think it's quick fix though. I'm also not sure about reliving the misery through counselling together but I know that isn't a popular view. I have low self esteem though and bury my head in the sand. You could go alone as donewhere neutral to vent?

Sorry not to be more helpful, it's grim and I feel exhausted just thinking about dealing with a liar. I would go straight to the end of the talk though to avoid all the shouting over the past- what shall we do and how long shall we give it? Milestones etc.

At what point do you stop trying? Now? How do we try? What's reasonable? And maybe has a specific chat once a week to see how it's going with you both.

I did a thread about this last week under a different name actually. He hasn't cheated (as far as I know). Basically I found out last week that he lost his job back in July and instead of telling me so we could rein in our spending and budget properly for our remaining money, he's pissed his way through our savings trying to maintain the illusion of still being employed. He claims he did this "to protect me" as I was heavily pregnant, we were moving house, and he didn't want to stress me out further. He says he thought he could find another job quickly and make it ok before telling me. I think he's full of shit and he didn't tell me because he's too egotistical to admit he was bad at his job, and too spineless to face any potential conflict. I mean, if you really wanted to protect your partner then when you lost your job you'd be out looking for anything you could get to tide you over, surely? And if you couldn't find anything then you'd take advantage of being out of work to ease your partner's burden by taking on a larger share of the house work and childcare. But instead he spent months sat in his office (he worked from home) just pretending to work, while I ran around doing everything for the house and toddler, getting things organised for the new baby, in a fair amount of pain from my pregnancy. Funny how "protecting me" coincides exactly with the course of action that lets him sit on his ass and do nothing for months. He also told some seriously elaborate lies to cover things up, such as staging pretend phone calls to the bank to find out why his card wasn't working when really it was just out of money. Now the money's gone and we will only just about be able to pay rent/ eat through December, no Christmas gifts for the children or anything.

What's he doing to make up for it? He's gone to the GP to get help for the depression and anxiety which apparently contributed to this happening. He given me access to all the accounts to keep my eye on the remaining money. He's found a Christmas temp job to tide us over. He's taken over the mental load of managing this mess day to day, such as meal planning to a ridiculously small budget. He's keen to go to councilling. He seems genuinely remorseful (but then again he seemed genuinely employed...)

We're supposed to be moving to a new city as soon as he can find a job there but I don't know if I want to go with him anymore. We have a 2 year old and a 7 week old, I'm a SAHM, and until last week I truly thought we were happy, so it's really hard. The only thing we've ever really argued over is him spending too much time working and not enough time "as a family" and so to now find out he wasn't even working is a massive kick in the gut. I want us to recover from this, I don't want my family to be over, but I don't know how to move forwards because I'm just so disgusted and furious,