End of marriage?

[Bonkerz]

Been married 15 years. Me and dg tend to go through cycles. Usually 6 monthly. Big fight, ignore or he leaves, talk, cry, promise to change. Fine for a few weeks then resentment kicks in. Lots of niggles then blow again. Been this way for last 5 years or so

We have a stressful life. 4 kids between us. Ds is 18 and autistic so deal with those challenges daily.
Dsd is 17 and not really around which is also a stress. Dd is 12 and has health issues currently and started self harming so I'm dealing with that too and then we have ds who is 7.

Been brewing for a few weeks. Tension between dh and ds18 been tough and dds health has affected me a lot. Feel like I'm dealing with everything on my own.
Financially things have got tough past few months. Dh and I have always had separate finances. He pays most bills and I pay food and kids stuff and some smaller bills.
Asked him to help me out food wise few weeks ago but that hasn't happened so I've been going without so kids could still have.

Feel drained and exhausted and tbh angry. Thursday we had a fight and he asked me to leave. I started packing a case and kids were getting there clothes and he insisted I couldn't take the kids. After a lot of shouting (not proud) me and kids left empty handed and stayed with a friend. Dh text that night that's he'd left. Me and kids came home yesterday.
No contact since Thursday. I know he's off work tomorrow and I'm scared he will turn up. I don't know what to say.
I'm fed up of fighting. I'm fed up of feeling resentment towards him. Fed up of doing it all by myself. But we can't afford to split. We have no savings. We have debt. He pays mortgage and I wouldn't be able to afford to. If he continued to pay he wouldn't be able to get anywhere to live. He's a low wage earner. It's just a mess.
We don't have a relationship really. Sex is something that just doesn't happen anymore.
I just don't know what to do. Do we just carry on? Feel like we are destroying each other to be honest and it's not healthy.

It doesn't look like you can carry on living together any longer. It can't be good for the kids, especially the 18 year old. With H gone, the atmosphere in the house might improve.

Suggest you investigate and see how much you can get in the way of benefits, and with your own wages plus cm, it might be enough to keep on living in the house.

Ok so husband has definitely left for good. A few texts today have confirmed our marriage is over.
He's agreed me and kids can stay in house.
What do I Do now?
Do I just ring tax credit and claim as single person?????
He's agreed to leave things financially till after Christmas. He's staying at his mums.
I just need to transfer gas and electric to my name. I already pay water and phone and car.

Sorry to hear of your situation. I’d go to citizens advice to find out where you stand financially. Good to have some space til after Christmas. Re benefits think there is an online calculator. You should also get some legal advice you can often get initial half hour free. Good luck

It's been 3 weeks now. Things are not great. He's seeing kids once a week overnight but it's me instigating that. He's telling them I'm taking his house.
I told him I'm happy to leave with kids but need help to sort deposit and rent in advance etc.
If I leave the house I lose my job though as I work from home and can't do that from rented.
Finally tax credits are making a payment to me so I've transferred all the bills to my name leaving him to pay the £120 mortgage and endowment instead of maintenance but he's saying he still can't afford to find somewhere to live.
He's being quite cold with me. Snappy when we do speak.
I don't like the fact he's struggling but I am too. I'm the one dealing with the kids and all their issues (DS is autistic and been in crisis all week over college, dd took an overdose last weekend so been sorting support for her and DS age 7 is very clingy which is to be expected I suppose)

I have sought legal advice. Tbh right now I can only just afford to feed us.
My friends say I should get to a solicitor and take half of everything but to be honest I don't want it. I'm happy to leave with the kids and what's mine and that's it. 16 years together means more than money to me.
Am I being stupid?

You aren't being stupid
It's not about taking half it's about ensuring there is sufficient provision that the children suffer the least amount of disruption to their lives.
You cant take the kids but you may be able to have primary residency.
He cant just say he can't afford it he has to show his financial information
Mediation law clinics CAB and some charities like Gingerbread can offer a lot of advice and support in ironing this out.
To be honest you both need to access lines of support the easier he finds this the easier he will find it to be civil

Why do you think it’s a good idea that your children don’t have the opportunity for a safe home to live in. Which clearly they need?

I do think the kids need stability but right now he's telling them that 'mummy is taking his house'.
I've been offered a house in Nov 2019. (Friends home due to be empty then) so can move then with no financial support.
He says this no longer feels like his home and yet seems so bitter that we are here.
I've never asked this man for a penny. I've always worked and paid the bills I could afford. I buy all food and always paid for holidays etc. We had separate finances.
By jan I will have taken on all the bills except the tv (he can't cancel as new contract) I've told him to cancel as soon as he can. We don't need it.
He earns £24k so I don't see how he's will struggle.
Csa says he should pay £168 a month maintenance and the mortgage is £120 so I'm being generous there too by asking him to pay that instead of giving me money.

You need to stop feeling guilty. It’s half your house and it’s also your home and your children’s home. Him telling the dc, you are taking his house is more a reflection on him than you. I’d sit the dc down and explain, in an age appropriate manner, what an idiot your ex is saying those things (nicer than that obviously).

I also agree with your friend, you need to sit down with a solicitor (free half hour session to start with) and find out what you are entitled to and then kick off the divorce, you should also agree what’s fair and right and do it that way. At the end of all this you will be the primarr Carer, not only for your dc, but HIS too! Please don't walk away with nothing for the sake of an easy life, I did this and it’s affected my life for the last 20 odd years, and will do in the future too.

As for child maint and the mortgage, you need to spell it out to him that he owes you money on top of that too. If you can’t afford food it’s a proper bad state of affairs and he needs to sort it! You are not being greedy! He is!

He's playing the victim. He agreed to this split. He even admitted he'd made the mess which led us to split. It was 50/50. I can't be arsed to argue blame etc. It hasn't worked. I know I did my best. My main concern now is the kids but I find myself worrying about him. Instead of being pro active and getting himself a plan he's wallowing and making me out to be the bad guy.
The truth is yes I'm in the house but we've had no money for weeks. My friends have been bringing me food packages. My kids are suffering and I'm just about keeping my head above water but it's all for my kids.

You have to stay in the house: the dc need a stable home.

It's the marital asset of a 15yr marriage, not his. Really, he wants to take the house away from his children?! Do not let feeling sorry for him make you short yourself or your dc.

Do not do anything in these early weeks and months of the split to jeopardise your dc's security. In the long term, he'll get his share and it'll all be sorted. It's just a traumatic and difficult time right now. You'll all get through it.

Thank you for your words. I know you are right. It's what my friends are saying too. There is about £45k equity in the house and it will be mortgage free in 2 years.
I'm in no rush for a divorce, I want to focus on me and my children for a while.

Your husband is saying that kind of shit to a child who’s self harming and overdosing
And a child who’s autistic

Quite frankly I would stop him seeing them completely, he’s deeply damaged them and continuing to damage them. only talk through solicitors letters from now on in.

And your focus seems all over the shop.
You are in a rush for a divorce because of the type of man he is.
You really think dragging this kind of shit out is a good idea?!
He’s proved who he is.