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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

new age infidelity...

17 replies

blondeambition26 · 24/11/2018 20:39

has anyone worked through infidelity in their relationship and if so was it ever the same ?

I name the subject new age as this has been an issue of "sexting" online porn and "nudes" are the topic up for conversation here...

I'll give you a brief background to give this more context.

I'm 26 and have been with my partner for almost 2 years, we moved in together in the summer and 3 months in i found out he had been "sexting" with someone else... the message was from a year ago and appeared to be a one time thing. along side this message which he thought he had deleted (men are so stupid) and i know where to go looking... he had this app called kik which is a messaging service that deletes all messages and leaves no evidence of whats been said to whom, i do believe that it keeps your contacts intact though, however confronted with the issue and the facts he had no choice but to admit what he had done etc.... i decided to move forward.

fast forward to 3 weeks later id fallen at work had surgery and now had to be off for a spell...
taking any chance i could to check his phone i found nudes of him in his deleted photos album clearly deleted from the first time... all the photos taken over the course of the same month (his birthday month in which id taken him on his first holiday abroad for ) and the photos cropped up 2 days after we had came home...

however i had no evidence of the photos going anywhere as he had already cleared his tracks from the previous incident. (i found out in the morning i had to go to work and he was off had all day to make sure i couldnt find anything else)

I far from button up the back, i know he was exchanging them somewhere but he refuses to tell me the truth, says he definitely is telling the truth... blah blah blah.

my issue is i want to forgive him and move forward ive integrated into his life i moved away from my family and his child stays with us often, we have a whole life together and i have no proof and i dont believe that anything has happened in person not that it makes it better.

my question is... has anyone any experience in this ? have you forgiven someone who has betrayed you ?

its more the photos that bothers me.... haunts me actually i can see them in my head and i feel completely crushed and i think that is because i dont believe him about that part of it... why have photos like that on your phone if you havent been sending them to someone ? bulls**t

im hurt and angry and resentful but at the same time im not 100% done and in this life i dont leave anything until i am... i love him with every fiber of my being and i want to move forward but will i ever get those images out of my head ?

i think im a lost cause.
bit of a rant actually but im hoping someone has some advice i cant tell my family or friends or they will hate him... ive given up alot and given him and his child everything and door mat isnt something ive ever been called...

thanks.x

OP posts:
Insomnibrat · 24/11/2018 20:44

I think the trust is already broken. I think you've seen who he is and what is seen cannot be unseen.

VirtuallyConfused · 24/11/2018 20:44

I don't use it but Kik is the go to messaging app for people having an affair - it deletes and is secure and easy to hide your identity.

If he is only sharing images online and sexting - well some may not see that as cheating. It depends what your lines are.

FourFoxCakes · 24/11/2018 20:47

He’s not worth it I’m afraid.

pallasathena · 24/11/2018 20:48

It's hard to move on after trust has been broken. You need to confront him with this and remember that he has to own his behaviour and not play the victim by blaming everything and everyone else.
Maybe you can work it through...maybe not.
I think I would've checked out of the relationship by now if it was me OP.

MMmomDD · 24/11/2018 20:50

OP - you are 26......
This is painful to read.

You are way too young to sound like a trapped mother of several kids, with no money and nowhere to go...

Get out now. At 2 years - these sort of issues, and such lack of trust isn’t something one needs to ignore.

Get out and find someone with who you won’t need to look the other way for years.
Stay with this one - and you will

blondeambition26 · 24/11/2018 20:53

yeah im well aware of what kik is used for.

he did own the behavior, just swears the photos never went anywhere. the weird thing about it is that the messages from a year ago dont even phase me because i know he told me the truth there..

iif he told me the truth about everything else i think id find it easier. im not the one in a bad position if i decided to leave then im fine i own the house the car everything nothing is his and im the breadwinner. i guess its just a case of whatever i decide.

im far from a soft touch i just wondered if anyone has forgiven someone for betraying trust.. i guess everyone is different. just the old saying fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me comes into my head. im young enough to start a whole new life so im far from stuck.... i just wish it was a case of right i dont love you anymore and thats that.

OP posts:
Tigger001 · 24/11/2018 20:56

I couldn't have said it better @MMmomDD.
@blondeambition26 this really is way too soon in a relationship to be unhappy and try into "get past" big issues. You should be out having a laugh, all loved up without a care. Not checking his phone and him making you feel like your not enough.
Get rid and move on.

FourFoxCakes · 24/11/2018 20:56

That’s not owning the behaviour though is it? Saying “oh nothing else happened”.

blondeambition26 · 24/11/2018 20:58

i know you are all right.. the things you are all saying are things i already thought to be the case anyway. what a mess. thank you for your replies. x

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 24/11/2018 21:01

OP - of course there are cases when people forgive and move on, and rebuild relationship.
But it’s usually when there is a strong foundation and long lives together, joint history, etc. Often kids too, making the breakup a much harder thing.

In your case - there isn’t a foundation.... It never got to that point. The incidents you describe were at the very start of the relationship...
So - Op - there isn’t much one can save here.
And hoping to build something long lasting from this is - well - not realistic

LettuceP · 24/11/2018 21:03

I'm sorry to say this but the only men that I know that send nudes and flirty messages to other women while in relationships are also shagging anything with a pulse. Its just that kind of mentality. Men who do that just can't be trusted.

Handsoffmysweets · 24/11/2018 21:09

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

AnyFucker · 24/11/2018 21:09

Is he not working ? You are bankrolling a cheating sleaze then. He is probably fucking about all over the place while you are at work

How is this ok with you ?

"New age" infidelity ? Don't be a mug...calling it something fancy is ridiculously excusing it. He is a shagger...no more, no less.

PsychedelicSheep · 24/11/2018 21:42

'New age' infidelity made me think of shagging someone else surrounded by candles and incense to a soundtrack of whale song! Or some complicated poly set up!

I guess you mean modern age due to the tech angle. Everyone has their line in the sand on what is/isn't a deal
breaker, but I think if someone has it in them to do this it's almost impossible to fully trust them again.

VixenSixen · 24/11/2018 22:30

You are worth so much more than this.

Without trust there is nothing for you to stay in this relationship for. Once he has done it, and you are prepared to tolerate it he will do it again to you in the future.

I m so sorry that you are having to deal with his lying cheating ass..... Kick him to the kerb and get yourself back out there and find someone worthy of your time and energy......

The world is your oyster. X

Closetbeanmuncher · 24/11/2018 22:53

When someone shows you who they are believe them!

This guy is admitting to the bare minimum....what he thinks he can get away with...No one takes naked pictures of themself without the intention of sending them....

He's a shady dog....Get rid

Sisterlove · 24/11/2018 22:59

So he wants you to believe he took those pics and did nothing with them?

Just looked at them and deleted them.

You can do better. Your man is a high cheat risk. Just build resilience for dday.

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