Overbearing grandparent!

[Ivysmama]

Hello, I would love some advice on my current situation which is an overbearing grandmother (my partner's mother)
I do have a good relationship with her but I'm very much aware of what I say and do in front of her just because she's very much opinionated and judgemental on people and you can tell if you disagree with her she might not say anything but just look that she gives you!
So the voice that im after is the fact that she's very overbearing with my little girl who's 21 months old she is very helpful at the start because unfortunately I did have postnatal depression for the first few months of my daughter's life and she now looks after her when I'm at work which is 2 days a week but now I'm in a situation where sometimes the line is crossed between being a grandmother and a mother and she's also telling me how my child is and what she likes and gets very snotty with me if I ask her not to do something ( I asked her on Wednesday not to gift presents from my daughter as I feel like it's for her parents to do that and she hasn't talked to me since)
She has a bit of a only child syndrome I guess as she's very much like what she wants she gets if she wants it done now it has to be done now and I'm very laid-back I go with the flow so in that sense we're completely different. I just don't know how to put it politely for her to back off as I don't want everything chucked back in my face and then there be a whole family fall out! What I can't understand is as a parent herself why she thinks it's acceptable for the comments that she says to me like "I need to put my child first" or "she isn't like that with me" "she's no trouble with me I don't know I have her" just very much like she's trying to have one up on me in a way and like she can do it so much better! Hindsight is a wonderful thing had I known that her looking after my little girl while I'm at work would mean that she is undermine to me as a mother then she would if never had her!
Any bit of advice would be appreciative!

Put her in nursery under the pretext of socialising her and have grandma for occasional babysitting

As the other respondent has said I would now find a nursery for your child under the pretext of socialisation. Unfortunately not all relatives are nice as you have all too clearly seen. I also do not think your own relationship with her is as good as you have thought it is and no, she does not come across as being a nice person either. She has caused this by her actions.

What does your partner think of his mother?. He is also key here. Is he the sort who says something along the lines of “well you know what she is like” I.e he knows she is an arse but is not willing to deal with her yet if at all or does he have your back here?.

I have a mil like yours. I tried to talk to her, she ignored me. Dh tried to talk to her and she told him they were her grandchildren and she could do what she liked..
That was the final straw and we stopped her seeing the dc as much.

Your MIL won’t change so you have to change the arrangements. You need to put your Dd in nursery school.

Thanks for the advice ladies,
My partner has talk to her before over a few things but it then went back to the same old stuff a few months later! Also after he had the talk because I wasn't there the next time I went round she pulled a A4 piece of paper out with all her points and views and I kind of sat there like a little child being told off! I've asked him to ask his dad as she has told me a few things that apparently his dad has said he that he would put his foot down over my daughter if we decided to go to Australia for a wedding but I feel like she's just talking through her husband is something that she obviously wanted to say but for some reason just blamed it on her husband so I just want my partner to verify for me! I'm looking at nurseries already and I have touched on the subject with her but she's told me she's too young but I have said to her you know she will be going to a nursery! she's just a very overbearing person. I'm going to pluck the courage up and speak to her or Monday wish me luck I just don't know how to put it in a polite way without there being a big family bust up which is the last thing that I want as my daughter has a good bond with Her Gran, and I don't want it to affect her!

Explain that as she approaches the age of two you want her to start at nursery and the staff there advise gradual settling. If you don’t secure the place now it will go as high demand for the spaces.
Have a look round nurseries and get it arranged first.

Agree with PP, find a nursery and explain the transition to MIL as one of socialisation.
Soften the blow by talking about babysitting and see if MIL is open to that

It is not up to either of them if you put your daughter in a nursery or take her to Australia. They can have an opinion on the matter but the have NO say. Find a lovely nursery and move your daughter there.

You are a grown woman with a husband, a daughter and a job. I’m sorry about your PND but that was in the past and just because they helped you out it doesn’t mean they are now equal parents with you and your DH.

You really need to get on top of this OP and challenge every snipe and comment. My MIL tried this and I would 'jokey challenge' or defer to a higher power. Well the HV, Dr etc says babies need xyz or the guidelines have changed to x. I've also kept unsupervised time really limited. MIL is a martyr so confrontation is pointless because she'll just play the victim but you need to gently assert yourself as the mother and find a nursery!

Don't speak to her on Monday. Arrange for your daughter to go to nursery and just tell your MIL. Don't invite comments/discussion.

What things have they said they are going to put their foot down over? I'm curious. I feel for you. I have in laws that help a lot but I have to take the passive aggressive comments alongside to offset. Meh

My MIL is like this. She also has (I assume) Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which explains a lot. We ended up having to back away from seeing her so much, but she'd basically do exactly the same thing as yours. Nursery sounds like the way to go for you. And it IS great for socialising for children. Better to keep poison like your MIL away from influencing your child. ( I caught mine whispering quietly to my niece "I'm the BEST grandparent, aren't I?", and things like that).

Go gently
For me the MIL got so annoyed, the DH sided with her and it caused marriage breakdown!

Thank you so much for a your all brilliant advice. I will start looking for Nurseries as soon as possible with my partner. I think I'm more frustrated at myself that I find her so intimidating. I'm really not the type of person to sit on the sidelines and not say anything so it's just very frustrating that I find her so scary........it's actually quite pathetic really I'm a 30 year old woman!

It isn’t pathetic. The way she is behaving is making you feel like that.

I had a lightbulb moment with my MIL which changed my whole mindset.
Dd had some long straggley bits of hair at the back and I just mentioned I was going to snip them off. MIL told me I wasn’t to do that and I just say “Ok” but felt so angry.
When I got home I just thought “shes my Dd and I can actually do what the heck I want with her, I do not need MILs permisssion to do anything”. And I cut her hair!

You need to acknowledge to yourself that she is your DD and you don’t need MILs blessing to do anything. You also don’t need to “discuss” anything, just make your decisions and carry them out. It’s very liberating!