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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to move forward with regrets.

9 replies

Whatsnext3 · 24/11/2018 17:05

i want to move forward in a positive way but am finding it very very difficult to get back to my old self. i divorced my controlling ex as his treatment of me over the years was horrific when i look back at it now. i honestly feel sick that i stayed so long. i wanted to make a go of my marriage and did not even understand the concept of being mistreated in an emotional way. every little tiny thing had to be his way all the time, he was cruel and constantly put me down in front of people. he made me feel like everything was my fault and constantly commented on my appearance so i thought no body else would be interested in me.
After many years of this i finally woke up and filed for divorce and i realised he was constantly using me.
i missed out on being with someone who could have treated me really well and i feel so sad about all the effort and love i gave him and got nothing back. i am slowly starting a new life and can see i feel much better than i did but i still feel so upset at the time i have lost. i just wondered if anyone could kindly help me with how i try to cope with those regrets and try to put them in the past. i am in my 50's so i guess i feel i am getting older as well which might be part of how i am feeling. i hope this is not it and i will not feel happiness and joy again. please tell me there is still hope for me. i do feel proud for finally getting away as he had a terrible hold over me so that took a lot and i recognise that. sorry for the rant.

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 24/11/2018 18:57

Hello your story is sad but how wonderful you had the strength to come out of it! I can understand looking back with sadness at the time you have lost but grieve for it then draw a line under it and look to the future. I think it may be your age as i am same age and can feel same too about my life and what i have done it. Take up new interests and make new friends - you do have plenty of time to meet someone else - lots of people meet each other in later life. Embrace your new found liberation and freedom. All the best to you - you deserve it after that you have been through.

Vitalogy · 24/11/2018 19:03

You're a very brave and strong person. Has it been very long since you ended it? I like this quote. Easier said than done I know.

How to move forward with regrets.
AllenBolts · 24/11/2018 19:31

If you had ended it earlier than you did, you may not have learnt as much and be as strong willed as you are now. Don't see it as wasted time, see it as a time you were learning how you deserve to be treated.

Look after yourself, I hope you find someone but embrace your life as it is now, enjoy it! Sending lots of love

Whatsnext3 · 24/11/2018 19:41

Thanks all I am crying reading your replies as I see myself as having blossomed since I left him but I did not see the red flags in his behaviour as my parents were also the same so even though I could see it was wrong I went along with it as it was my ‘normal’. I would so love to meet someone nice that could appreciate me as I don’t think I am a bad person.
It’s a year since the split but I really hope things turn around for me. I try to be happy and friendly but sometimes it’s hard to keep that going. Thank you all for your comments.

OP posts:
Ariela · 24/11/2018 19:47

Still plenty of time, I know a gentleman lost his wife in his 60s, now making a lovely lady of a similar age very happy - she's had 2 rubbish marriages, one with an alcoholic, one with an utter selfish controlling chap who thankfully died, and is now so happy and they've having a great time - huge circle of friends locally, lovely holidays around the UK sightseeing, off on cruises, going to various local social gatherings .

Whatsnext3 · 24/11/2018 20:40

Thank you for that.
I wanted to add I met him at 17 so basically was with him a very long time. I feel sad at that. What’s weird is instead of being angry I just felt sadder and sadder at his behaviour but now I am sorry but I do hate him. I hope I never see him again

OP posts:
Nicelunch25 · 25/11/2018 22:32

I found reading the book by melody beattie and doing the exercises helped me process a lot and look at the stuff I needed to heal. It's called the 12 steps for codependents. Best. Therapy. Ever. Good luck and well done for leaving. I know exactly what you mean about having a hold over you and they way he systematically broke your confidence was similar to my abusive ex. I am different. I worry he'll manage to be the nice person I saw at the beginning for his new woman and I feel like it's me but I know deep down it isn't.

Renarde1975 · 25/11/2018 22:48

My advice is be very careful OP as you are incredibly vulnerable right now. Please dont worry over the past, whats important is the future. Yoyr future.

He'll never change. That's his curse. And your blessing. Flowers

Leostar · 25/11/2018 23:02

Arthur Miller quote helped me massively in your situation...

Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets

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