My husband was nice...but now he’s not

[BumboBaggins]

Any thoughts or advice welcomed...

We’ve been married a few years, two young kids. I’ve always loved him and loved being married to him. He’s a good man and there has been kindness and good times in our marriage.

But....I’ve always had a problem showing affection and intimacy. He’s always had a problem communicating and buries his head in the sand over any problems as he’s a naturally positive person who feels he can fix anything and hates failure or conflict. For the last month he’s gone into a massive slump mood wise and has basically been not very kind. No name calling or abusiveness or anything like that. He’s left me to do everything with the children while he’s pleased himself. I’ve finally got him to talk about it and he’s said there is no affection in our marriage and it can’t go on like that. He’s not in love with me any more (although does still love me - whatever that means) and he’s bored. Bored of his boring married life with two young kids. He gets bored of things easily I now discover.... Anyway he’s suggested he goes for counselling and has started. I’m doing the same. We might try couples counselling too. He has decided (after a period of indecision) that he wants to “fix it” and give it a chance. He’s admitted he takes me for granted and has apologised for his unkind behaviours. I’ve been so totally broken by the whole thing and yet I now have to muster up from somewhere the ability to show him more affection and intimacy when he’s basically broken my heart. My whole world has been rocked by this. How do I move forwards?

Hopefully this is something the counsellor can help you come to a decision on.

I’ll admit I would find it hard to remain with somebody who struggled to show intimacy or affection. He obviously feels unloved and I totally get that. What’s ‘good’ though is that he already recognises that he’s been a bit of an arse aswell and is looking at improving things through counselling

Whilst it’s a good idea to have it separately could you also suggest couples counselling aswell?? That way you’re working on your marriage aswell as your individual selves.

Hope things turn out okay for you both

Do you feel affection for him? Do you want intimacy? Basically do you actually feel the things you say you have to show?

OP, I understand that this has all been a shock and thrown your previously secure and predictable world into turmoil.

But I think an enormous amount of good will come out of it, if you can both engage with the counselling process and learn from what has happened.
Just think how much stronger and more loving your marriage could be, once you are able to be more open with your feelings, and your DH learns more effective management for problems, and both of you are able to communicate properly with each other.
Stick with this, give it time and be open to change for both of you.
I think it will be the making of your marriage. Good luck, and my prayers for your future happiness.

I appreciate you feel he's broken your heart, but you have equally broken his by not being affectionate to him. I wouldn't be able to cope with that at all.

Engage with counselling. Remember that just because you feel bad right now, doesn't mean anyone wronged you, or that you're supposed to do anything to make the feelings go away. You're basically starting out on a huge personal learning experience and change process - it's going to feel extremely uncomfortable, even painful. That can't be helped. Just soldier through it and see where it goes.

If you can't be affectionate right now, then don't. Give it a few weeks in counselling.

Ultimately, you two will either learn to be together well, or you won't. No amount of fretting over how you feel today is going to help the outcome. You've got to let the feelings happen and just keep going for now, I think.

Also just as an aside. Your post title is extremely interesting.

I would never describe my dp as "nice". I know him too well, am too intimate with him, to use that word. He is a whole human being with many complexities and a dark side of his own - he is typically extremely kind and is a wonderful thoughtful partner but he also has his weaknesses and blind spots. The fact you describe your dh as "nice" (and now "not nice") to me is a quiet message that your understanding of him is fairly shallow. They're just odd words to use for someone you are meant to know pretty deeply.

Be aware that, as someone who seems not to want much intimacy, you may have wholly neglected to know him fully. Counselling may contain some shocks for both of you, and it can be upsetting in the extreme at times. Get a support system in place and ensure you are taking care of yourself x

You sound very like my husband and I. He couldn’t communicate, I wasn’t affectionate, he took me for granted (in some ways) and our marriage was in a bad place. Actually, he had an affair in the end which we are trying to work through. It blew everything up but one thing to come out of it is that we are far, far more honest with each other.

One of the first things we did was the 5 love languages questionnaire (easily googled), which shows which actions by your partner mean most to you and make you feel loved. So DH and I are complete opposites. He values physical affection and words of affirmation, whereas I don’t need the same affection but value acts of service (“you look tired, let me made the dinner” etc etc) It also made us both realise that we are trying to show each other love, but in the way we value, not in the way that means most to the other person, IYSWIM? We also noticed that we both value quality time together highly so have been trying to focus a lot on that, as it’s easy (ish) for both of us to do.

I know it’s hard to hear from your H how he has been feeling, but it’s an absolute gift. Without that honesty and information, your marriage has no chance. He’s telling you what he needs - and wants - from you. Not from someone else, but from his wife. I understand how unnatural giving affection can feel. It’s fefinitely something to talk about with your therapist.