Marital neglect

[oofadoofa]

Hi. AIBU? I’ll keep it short and sweet...My wife and I have been married for 3 years, together for a bit more, and have a DD4. In the past, I feel she has taken me for granted; sometimes months without sex, not even really a kiss or a hug. I have brought it up, obviously, several times and confronted her a few months ago. She realised I am considering leaving, lots of tears and many discussions. Since then she has been much better, more physical contact, more intimacy in general, but to be honest all that pain has destroyed our sex life. I just can’t come to terms with all of the previous rejection and am finding it difficult to just start again. I love her, but am thinking of leaving anyway. AIBU?

Have you tried counselling, either together or individually? I’d strongly suggest trying this before leaving.

I recommend counselling too. It’s worth trying before just walking away. If nothing else, it will show you what went wrong. There’s no point just walking into another relationship before you know why this one broke down or you risk the same thing happening again

Does your daughter sleep Well? Me and my husband went through the same thing just over a year ago. My reason was because I was so tired as I don't sleep well and we were using all of our energy on our 2 daughter's oldest is 8 and youngest is 4 and she still gets up in the night and very early in the morning and as my husband gets up early for work it's always me getting up to settle her again and I was worn out. We came to the conclusion that we needed more us time. Have you got anyone that you trust that can have your daughter over night? We spoke to my mum and she started having our girls over night once every fortnight, so we could have date night. And it's really helped to bring us close again, we usually go out for a meal, shopping, cinema or just have a cosy night in with a film and bottle of wine. It's done wonders for our sex life. I just wished we'd have done it sooner.

And try to be a bit more spontaneous, hold her hand or give her a kiss when she least expects it or send a soppy txt message whilst you are at work, buy her flowers for no reason, and tell her shes beautiful ( she may be feeling unattractive after having your daughter) it will start working both ways, as much as yo feel unappreciated I'm guessing she probably feels the same to. Really think some time on your own will work wonders for you guys

You mention the lack of sex before the lack of intimacy, that might well be your problem.

For me, sex is something that expresses love and closeness with my DH. For my DH, he sees sex as a way to regain feeling loved and closeness.

We’ve talked through this when we’ve lost our way in the past. He’s not a natural talker and I need him to talk and share his feelings with me otherwise it’s obvious he isn’t and I feel we are divided.

What did your wife say was her reasons for lack of intimacy and sex? Have you worked through this or is she just putting out because of fear of losing you but in reality nothing has changed for her and she’s just doing better at hiding the cause?

You asked. She is trying. Get over yourself. Serious what the fuck do you want.... A bunch of women sympathise yet you got what you asked for as in more affection. People like you will never be happy if this is what happens when you get what you want

What will it take for you to get over your feeling of rejection? You say she is trying so that shoes that she acknowledges a problem and has changed for the better. What more do you think she can do?

Seriously OP? Your wife doesnt give it up enough so you are done? Poor poor little you

Have you asked her why?

Maybe she doesn't like you because you don't do your fair share, or you are not very nice to her. Maybe she needs a break from your demands. Maybe you take her for granted. Maybe she doesn't fancy you any more. Maybe she is exhausted with work, childcare and the mental load. Maybe she has lost confidence in herself. Maybe her self esteem is low. Maybe she has a physical problem. Maybe her contraception has affected her libido. I don't know the answer. You might find out if you ask her, and perhaps you can fix this. Maybe the power is in YOUR hands to improve things, not just hers.

I will add that you've titled this thread 'marital neglect' like she has some legal duty to open her legs and see to YOUR needs.

Are you seeing to hers? And I don't just mean in the sexual sense.

Your poor wife, having to live with you. A man who thinks he has the right to have sex whether his wife wants to or not.

Do her a favour and leave.

Marital neglect? That's a new one on me!

If you're thinking of leaving, go. Don't make her sell her body to you.

Wow.
Quite simply, perhaps your wife struggles to be intimate with somebody who is so entitled and selfish?

Do you offer her hugs and kisses without any hint of sex on the agenda.

You're being very self centred OP! You say she hadn't missed or hugged you for months but had you done those things to HER? You should surprise her with more of what you want to receive and it might get her on the same wavelength. We like to be swept off our feet

Just show her how special she is to you. It doesn't have to be some grand gesture. It's the little things that found, soppy messages, telling her how beautiful she is and how much she means to you. You need to get her in the mood so that she is being intimate because she wants to be and not because she feels she has to. Seriously try date night and arrange something that you will both enjoy. Maybe a pub where you first met or take her to the place that you proposed. Go to the woods/park and valve a heart on a tree with your initials inside it then take her there to show her. Take her back to when you first met or a special place that you used to go together to make her remember how happy you were once.

What a load of complete bullshit.

No mention of DW's thoughts, feelings or things she's said. The way you talk about her is odd, like she's the one with the problems and she owes it to you to make things better - for you. You threatened to leave, and she's been a bit better since. Nice. No mention of you considering WHY she might have pushed you away. You clearly hold her fully responsible for the problems and place the burden of sorting them out squarely on her.

What reasons could she have had to reject you? Do you think you've played any part in causing this?

If you can't talk productively go for couples' counselling might be useful.

The dynamics of your relationship appear to be rather dysfunctional and damaging.

Sort your shit out ffs

OP?