Help

[Nixx04]

First time posting ever, but have read multiple posts which all seem to be really useful, so thought I’d bite the bullet too! Sorry in advance for the long thread!
Husband and I have been together 15 years (married 6) and for the past 6 months things have been ok, but I lost some of the passion for the relationship, we both work full time and have 2 kids together (15 and 12) and I seem to end up doing all the housework, kids apppintments, general family matters and finances. I’m exhausted and have been somewhat disinterested in intimacy with husband. It’s not I don’t love him and he wasn’t horrible or mean...well up until 3 weeks ago!
We had an argument over something trivial and things spiralled from there, he said he knew I wasn’t happy and he wasn’t either so it’s best we split up! He said he felt I didn’t love him and that he’d been trying for months and I just wasn’t interested (to which there is truth). But we’ve never had a proper conversation about how we’ve both been feeling up to this point, I tried to talk to him and he’s now stonewalling. He said he’s going to move out and he just wants me to be happy. I tried to tell him he’s wrong when he says I don’t love him and he responded stating he doesn’t believe me and he feels like he’s tried and it’s not for him anymore. He’s accused me of ignoring him, not being interested in sex (which is true but I don’t and never have had an immense Drive).
When I said I wanted to try and see if we could work through the rut, he said he feels like we’re going in circles (we have been here once before about 10 years ago, but it was me that wanted out and he then cheated).
He has always worshipped the ground I walk on and is an amazing father, but since this announcement he’s just been horrible! He’s stonewalling constantly and is full of anger to which he has openly said he does hold me to blame for making him feel unwanted. I do understand and can totally see his point, but given we’ve not sat and spoke about this in any detail before, I can’t get the thought out of my head that there another woman here somewhere. Is it really once a cheat always a cheat? Does his actions point towards someone else or do men really hurt and this is why he’s acting this way? I know I have probably unintentionally hurt him but I still don’t see that as a reason for him to be horrible and off without giving a chance or putting it right.
I have read the MLC posts and also the cheaters script and he doesn’t fit the bill for either. I’m driving myself insane and have now openly accused him of an affair, to which his responses have flitted between anger, hurt, insults and disbelief...then to indifference-all of which I know are common traits of a cheater.
He is working late, but is where he says he is (I’ve driven by and there no sign of another person), he’s not made excuses to go out and is definitely moving into a friends spare room (again have seen the messages to state this is true) when he eventually goes so I’m literally torn between my gut instinct and not having any evidence to prove it’s more than that, any advice?
I sort of flit between not wanting him to go and then feeling hurt and wanting him out ASAP (but think the latter is because of the cheating suspicion). He’s agreed to counselling/ relate to try and sort an amicable split but tricky getting an appt

Damn. I’m so sorry. It’s a shock to you but I reckon he’s been considering this for a while.

If he wants out he wants out. You can’t force someone to stay in a relationship. It’ll be tough no doubt but you sound like you’ve held it together so far and like you’re strong enough to survive this, even if it doesn’t feel that way! I’d let him move out and give it a few weeks then start divorce proceedings. It sounds like he’s done. There doesn’t have to be another woman, sometimes people just know they’re not in a relationship that makes them happy anymore (it sounds like mismatched sexual drive might be a big issue for him).

A lot of people will say that men never leave without there being another woman or chance of an OW. On MN the likelihood is put at 100% based on the “life experience” of MN posts. In RL it is the most common reason but not the only one. Time will tell for you.

In the meantime you know enough to conclude the marriage is over for him and that means it is for you too. I am sorry if that sounds harsh and stark. It is horrible and it will be devastating for you and your children. However you aren’t happy either and maybe this is the right thing for you. When he leaves you may find a sense of relief as the tension leaves with him. Start thinking about the positive things and emotions you want but separate any reliance on these being dependent on him. I don’t think they are at the moment anyway.

There will continue to be a relationship because of the children so you are doing the right thing by trying to reach an amicable conclusion to the marriage..

It’s sounds likes a lot of mutual unhappiness here and it’s heen going on a long time. From past indiscretions to recent circumstances. But clearly your both very unhappy and he’s been harbouring a lot of anger and pain. And yes men do feel pain.

Based and what you’ve said I think it unlikely he’s cheating. I know your looking for a reason, and it’d be an almost convenient explanation for all the woes.

I suggest you give him space for now. I know the natural instinct is to talk it out as soon as possible. But us guys are kinda like bears in a cave. We don’t like to be cornered especially if we are feeling anger and hurt. Little patience and gentle approach will be more productive. Accusing him of affairs will not be helpful either. Unless of course you have solid evidence.

Then give counselling a whirl. But sometimes things aren’t meant to be. Maybe he has had enough. There is a chance things are over and you may need to prepare for that outcome. But I really hope things work out for you.

Thanks all, it’s just so hard because we have always had a good relationship despite past indiscretions. We have always said if we split we’d stay close, so that’s why the way he is acting is making me suspicious (that along with the stonewalling and phone being glued to him).
We weren’t miserable to the point where we were arguing, I just felt we were in a rut and neither really knew how to get out of it.
Perhaps it’s just run it’s course, but it just seems odd that given we weren’t arguing he’s dropped it right before Xmas. He also doesn’t seem to be making efforts to spend quality time with the kids either which is a real oddity. I do suspect there is a sniff of another woman waiting in the wings somewhere but only time will tell.
I’m confident it’ll all out sooner or later

Sorry OP that sounds shit.

Why does it matter if he's got someone else? You are torturing yourself with the idea that he might - without any evidence. That energy of driving around looking for him, sneaking a look at his messages etc would be better used on getting your ducks in a row and preparing practically, financially and emotionally for separation.

Also, look on the Chumplady website regarding the Pick Me dance. This assumes there is someone else but the advice to be your best self applies in the event of any split.

I know it's really hard.

That's really tough. Sorry to hear you're going through this, and whilst it's not going to be easy at any time of year the approach to Christmas seems harder as it's such a family time.

I agree to let him have some space. You've tried getting him to talk and it isn't working, he's just going to close down further. A lot of what you said about his behaviours - being where he should be, no one apparently with him, support no affair, and it seems you are basing that suspicion on his emotional responses. I appreciate what you say about traits of someone who's cheated - anger, hurt etc, but if he hasn't had an affair I think those would also be reasonable reactions to being accused of one. Though only you know how he responds in different situations.

Personally I think at this stage you have nothing to lose by calmly saying what you'd like. So if you want it to work, maybe explain that this is what you'd like, you'd like for him to invest in it too, say you'll give him some space to think about it but then you'd like to come back together and discuss it. Set a time for that. After such a long relationship and having kiss together that's not unreasonable and point that out if you have to.

I have been emotionally where your DH is, having lost the feeling for my husband and nearly left a couple of months ago. He was nowhere near that place emotionally and this is how he approached it with me. I'm here still. Trying to find it again with him. His was a reasonable request.

Having kids together!!!!

Thanks for your replies/ support it is good to hear different views on it. Part of me feels like I’m being irrational but another huge part says “you know him better than anyone” and the nagging doubt of a possible emotional affair is eating away at any good I thought might be left.
Given that he has blamed me for pretty much everything that’s gone wrong, he would never now admit that actually he’s not been entirely honest.
I don’t even know if I want to try and work things out, but the hardest thing is I never wanted to fight and argue but he seems hell bent on making me suffer.
Do I say enough is enough and ask him to leave sooner than he’s ready to up and walk? If it really is hurt then why the sudden change as hasn’t he spoken about it before.
There is a big age gap, he’s 14 years older but this has never been an issue.

Sounds very much like the script to me. Why do you think it doesn’t?

It could well be, but not always easy to see it when you’re living it I suppose