Asked ex to leave..now what?

[donthaveaclue82]

So I've been with my partner 4 yrs
Moved in with him last year but had to move out as he has bad moods

Spent a while apart, got back together after him begging me
I missed him, wanted nothing more than it to work, I love him so gave I him another go

But I don't feel happy. I don't feel anythings changed

This time I have my own place and I have a little one so i asked him to leave

He's gone, he's said HE is done ?!

WHY do i feel so sad ?! He's moody, grumpy but does have a good lovely side which is why I've always taken him back

I feel weak and feel like no one to talk to in rl hence why I'm on here I guess

Big sigh xx

Anyone?

I've Woken up feeling sad
Just feel I've tried so hard to make this work...thing is on reflection last night wasnt all his fault. I ended up probably over reacting about the sulky mood he got into - just felt ive had enough and the things he says to me in an argument are things he always used to say, so we just go round in circles by him dragging the same things up as he goes.

He care over with flowers, wine and was all happy about this work and as soon as we got taking about something and had a disagreement, he gets into a mood!

Any advice x

So you didn't over react to the one shitty mood. You reacted to putting up with his negative behaviour that he's clearly either not capable or not willing to change

This is a completely normal reaction so don't beat yourself up. He isn't right for you. Moods are fucking horrible to live with, and "I have moods" is often an excuse for shitty behaviour.
Give it a few weeks and you'll see how better life is without him... No treading on eggshells.

That's true. But then he says he has no chance with me as I do ask him to leave when he gets in these moods. So I feel my tolerance is so much lower and I've put up with so much crap.

One question if I can ask.....
So I'm feeling like if I could turn my life back to when I met him, I wouldn't have given him all the chances I did...I feel it's tainted our relationship now - does that make sense ? Is this normal to feel ?
To be honest on here there are a lot of stories similar to mine but people who have stayed, settled maybe
Am I wrong for not wanting to be one of those people ? No judging here at all, appreciate some people have to stay for many reasons. Me being one of these people...until now

X

Wow two really good points too, bullying advice maybe he just isn't capable. He's 40 so not a young boy and maybe it is engrained - I have felt that before. He's always very sorry then reverts back to moody and grumpy and sulky. Ie yesterday we had music on and all choosing a song each and just because my little one said she didn't like it, and I also said oh no I don't like it either he stormed to the tv and put on another song?!
I said it's perfectly fine for a 6 yr old to say she doesn't like the song?!
And pointed out we have different song taste and when we was in the car the other day Ed Sheeran was on and he changed it over saying can't stand him winging...when it was a song I liked. Did I say anything ? No! So I said don't get into a paddy last night and he didn't like that.

He's hard work. He sounds very juvenile

It does seem like hard work sometimes
I compared him to a child last night
It's just exhausting x

Maybe he just isn't capable like you say. ( unlikely, ) even so does that mean that you therefore have to put up with his shit and make allowances for it, at the expense of your own feelings. Out of interest what would happen if you started having moods?

Relationships are all about compromise, but that only works if it's a two way street.

I have no idea actually?
When he was in a bad mood a few weeks ago, it went on for a while, days even so it got me down...I felt tired and didn't feel like being as nice as I normally would if that makes sense. We did have a chat and I said I feel a bit tired, like it was a bit one sided. I'm doing everything I can, work, house and take care of lo and yes we don't live together but I see him a lot and when he's over he doesn't have to lift a finger. This is all ok but when he gets into a bad mood I just feel it's not how I want to live.
It doesn't bode well for if we do live together which was the plan at some point!
Anyway he said then ' I'm not allowed to be tired'
So he blames tiredness a lot on his moods
It's nothing to do with that
The moods are inbearable sometimes
X

Look, it's not working. He's a moody git and you've finished it, not for the first time. There's no point trying again (and again). Just move on, and stop overthinking it.

True, it's just because it's just happened...again I know but it still feels raw
But you're right.
I feel sick and gutted and thing is I do love him
But it isn't working...it hasn't worked...can't keep doing this
X

One of the reasons you are feeling so physically rubbish is because your body is resetting itself.

Tension causes surges of stress hormones like adrenaline - your levels will have been up and down for months, as in the phrases 'running on adrenaline' or 'fight or flight'.

Look after yourself, eat, rest and keep warm. This too shall pass .

Thank you for your nice words x

Have you got anyone you can txt to come over, or to make plans with to keep you occupied and maybe a chat. Otherwise get wrapped up and take dc out for a walk, feed the ducks, buy some sweets and come home to a movie. And leave the phone at home! Just have some time and space to yourself.

Don't let him get on and on at you so you get manipulated into giving it yet another shot. It will only make you more miserable long term.

Sadly I don't. The friends I do have are all sick of hearing about it and enjoying their weekend with their families
I have family but I can't bear facing people if I'm honest.

I'm having a clean and tidy around the house whilst stopping for coffee as I go! Little one is fine and is helping me and making her be involved in having a nice tidy up along with her room. We have a Xmas movie on and told her we can have a nice day in as we are always rushing around for school run and work so she seems quite happy with that. Said if she wants to take her bike out later then maybe we can go for a walk and wrap up. She really is such a good girl and understands
Trying not to be sad around her but as I say she seems fine x

Hope you are ok today op. Keep strong. You will grrr thru this and life will be better.

One question if I can ask.....
So I'm feeling like if I could turn my life back to when I met him, I wouldn't have given him all the chances I did...I feel it's tainted our relationship now - does that make sense ? Is this normal to feel ?

I feel like this about my marriage, I am 7 months post separation after a 17 year marriage/19 years together and I gave my husband so many chances to change - his issues were around messaging other women and also his moods, the kids and I spent far too long treading on egg shells. The problem is that when things were good they were really good but when things were bad they were really bad.

My chance to leave was always clouded by him threatening to kill himself so I stayed and stayed for far too long.

I finally saw the light this year - don't be like me and get 17 years down the line and realise how much time you have wasted.

I love my life now, its so nice to not have to worry about his moods, his spending and whether he is messaging other women.
I recognise now that I was in an emotionally abusive marriage I'm going to get counselling because he has messed with my head so much.

Hope you have a good day today.

Morning
Had a bad day yesterday
Tried my best but couldn't seem to cope
I texted him late afternoon being the bigger person as like I said I wasn't that nice after his mood so I thought I I'd apologise
I thought he would then think actually i am in the wrong (him) and that with my apology he would meet me half way
Did he ? Nope
I texted a nice message saying sorry for what I said, can we talk
He ignored all my messages and only when I kept saying hello? Can you answer me
He replied
No I'm out
So that made me text again
He said he thinks it best we leave it after last night
I'll be happier on my own ( I will be )
He is sick of hearing I wish I never took him back
Then said he will be over at 1 to collect any of his stuff
He has his printer here along with a few bits
I do say that I wish I never took him back in an argument
I know that's not nice but it's how it makes me feel
On reflection I think we are toxic and I need to take his ' I think we should leave it ' as a god send really and use it to move on for my own self worth
Which to be honest, is low

However what Evers happened
This is how he deals
Leaves, sulks, won't talk for a few days and then bombards me with calls and texts

I end up blocking then he turns up so I have tried to move on
But I can't keep this up and down going

Thanks for checking in
X

Thanks for sharing sorting it out
Sorry you had to go through so many years of that

I'm worried as I'm late 30's and feel scared to start again but like you say it could be worse if I was years down the line and I read yesterday a lady in her 50's starting over and even a post from someone in her 20's and the advice for the 20's one was get out now!!! So I need to be strong

I just feel bad for investing so much time love and emotion into this person
X

@donthaveaclue82

I am also late 30's - one thing that really helped me make up my mind was that I was talking to a work colleague (early 50's)who hates her life and her partner but feels she is too old to start again so will just suck it up.
I realised I didn't want to be like that.

Its good that he has said its over - keep this thread running because its easy to forget the bad times when the is trying to win you over.
It definitely sounds like a toxic relationship.

My new life - the starting again point - is not to have a relationship again but to just love myself and my life, I've always kept busy with things and I'm just concentrating on me, my kids and my animals.

Well I haven't heard anything which I guess is a good thing

Trying to get through the week as best I can

Feel so sad and upset but trying to keep it together, keep busy and lots things in the diary to keep me busy

Some of which were booked things planned for us so that's been painful cancelling them all 😕