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Original poster

Wedding Dilemma - to go or not to go

27 replies

Janos · 30/08/2004 19:55

APologies if this message is a bit long, I'm hoping that fellow mumsnetters may be able to give me some objective advice.

Here goes. In November, one of my stepsisters is getting married and I'm invited to the wedding, alomg with DP. However, I'm going to be 37 weeks pregnant with my first baby by that date, and the wedding is about 150 miles away.

In all honesty I really don't want to go as I think it will be too much, but pressure is already being put on me to go. Am I being selfish in wanting to give it a miss?

I should point out that there is a whole load of family politics etc going on in the background (when isn't there!)and there are other reasons besides the obvious physical one.

OP posts:
whizzz · 30/08/2004 20:00

I would not bow to the pressure - so what you feel is right. Thinking back - I don't think I would have wanted to travel 150 miles or sit through a wedding at 37 weeks. Your family should understand and of course want whats best for you & baby. You could always make a fuss & ask for everyone to send you photos etc. so that you don't 'miss out' on anything. Hope it all works out OK whatever you decide to do.

mckenzie · 30/08/2004 20:01

Personally, I would be selfish and accept the invite and tehn see nearer the time how you feel. I wouldn;t normally do that with a wedding invite as the price per guest is normally so huge it will be a waste and unfair on your hosts but in your circumstances, I think its fair.
You never know, baby might come early, you might be having a spell of feeling sprightly and active (does happen near to due date sometimes) or you might be feeling blue and tired and not want to go.

The most important thing imho is not to get too stressed about it. Accept the invite just now with a smaile and then wait and see what happens.

The above is all only my opinion though huh.

popsycal · 30/08/2004 20:01

My best friend got married 3 weeks before my due date aruond 200 miles away. In the end i didnt go - good job really as I went into labour the day after the wedding

ladymuck · 30/08/2004 20:06

Well, for the sake of family politics I would probably RSVP positively but put something down like "depending on the baby", so that you have forewarned them. And then I would just see how you feel at the time. IME people will make a fuss if you decided this far in advance not to go, whereas actually you may not be missed on the day itself that much, and usually by that stage it isn't such a big deal with everyone else.

This only works if you're not likely to get roped in on the service etc. I tried something similar myslef last year (ds2 was 4 months, wedding was in Ireland, and we couldn't be guarenteed rooms in the venue - sil2be had booked them all, so no-one else could book, and then only released them with a few weeks to go). Dh didn't go - he stayed with dss, but when I arrived I discovered that he was down to do a prayer on the order of service - first we'd heard of it!

fisil · 30/08/2004 20:07

I was going to be really naughty and suggest accepting the invitation knowing that you have no real intention of going - you can always go into false false labour that morning (we will provide you with convincing stories if you need)!

ladymuck · 30/08/2004 20:09

Oh yes, I echo McKenzie's sentiment - I wouldn't usually mess around on an invite like that. I did also phone about 3 days in advance so that they would have the right numbers for catering - everything is so busy at that time that no-one had time to phone us to hassle us, but caterers usually ask for final number 2 dys before!

sobernow · 30/08/2004 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pesme · 30/08/2004 20:17

By 37 weeks you probably won't want to go 5 miles in a car nevermind 150, I know I didn't. Also I had dd at 37 weeks so it probably better to stay at home, its not selfish it is for the good of you and your baby. Take care of yourself and enjoy your last few weeks with dp before baby arrives.

Original poster
Janos · 30/08/2004 20:25

Thanks everyone. My instinct is to say yes and then see how things go. Thing is my step-mum and dad were up for a visit at the weekend and when I mentioned I wasn't sure about going the reaction was not good! Apparently my stepsister will be devastated. I don't think she would be that upset but then I don't know - we're not particularly close.

My younger sister also wants me to go along, but for different reasons. Neither me or my sister get on well with my stepmum,, although things have got better now that we don't see her so much (long story).

DP doesn't want me to go because he's concerned about how it will affect me but will support me whatever I choose to do (he's nice like that).

TBH I don't think cost is a huge issue because stepsister's dad will be paying (he's loaded). It's more about 'keeping up appearances'. My dad and stepmum could give Hyacinth Bucket a run for her money..I'm not kidding!!!

OP posts:
lou33 · 30/08/2004 20:45

If you and your ss are not that close then I doubt she would be devastated as your sm, and dad suggest. I wouldn't go at 37 weeks tbh, but then 3 of my 4 have arrived at 36, 37 and 38 weeks, so I was ready to kill anyone who even breathed in my direction, by that stage.

Original poster
Janos · 30/08/2004 21:20

I'm just over 6 months now and I'm starting to feel very uncomfortable as I get bigger and bigger.. so goodness knows how'll be feeling come November time.

OP posts:
Skate · 30/08/2004 21:30

Do what is best for you or else you'll be miserable. I agree - don't worry about it now, accept the invite and decide nearer the time based on how you really feel.

I've got a wedding dilemma too. My SIL is getting married in Sept and my 3rd baby will be only 3 weeks old, plus I've got a 3.5 year old and 22 month old. The wedding is 250 miles away and is in 2 parts - family only at the registry office wedding followed by meal in restaurant then the next day a 'do' in a hall in the evening (disco/buffet type affair).

We have basically accepted the invite, obviously, and despite the nightmare it will be travelling, fitting in feeds..not to mention what the hell will I wear at 3 weeks delivered?!!? However, we only plan to go to the wedding/restaurant but no chance of taking brand new babe and toddlers to an evening in a smokey hall where all and sundry will want to pass DS3 around and breathe 'fumes' all over him. BUT, we haven't told SIL this as we know it will cause upset ('oooh, but everyone wants to see you', 'we'll help' blah blah) so have decided to make out like we are going but then it will be 'just too much for Kate and the baby' when the Saturday party comes.

I suggest you do the same!

jasper · 30/08/2004 21:33

Don't go!

Lisa78 · 30/08/2004 21:39

don't go Jan. I was at a wedding yesterday (and have the hangover to prove it!) and I'd forgotten just how long you are stood around for - photos etc - and how crowded the reception is, not to mention noisy and smokey
At 37 weeks, you won't be comfortable at all in that environment, let alone travelling - and by that stage with my pgs, I used to get v upset anywhere busy, and when I was away from home.
Why don't you lie your head off and say you've asked your midwife and s/he has advised against it for your health and that of your baby, and that you know your family want the best for you and will understand. Then ask for lots of photo's, what present you can send etc etc
And if they are still frosty, tell them to Fuck off from me!!!

MeanBean · 30/08/2004 21:46

I suspect she would be far more devastated if you went into labour just as she was walking up the aisle. If you point out that this is a realistic prospect, the pressure might ease a bit. Also, if you send them a nice present at the time with a message saying how disappointed you were not to be able to go, they'll feel sorry for you rather than offended.

You are not being selfish. But tbh, I think anyone who tries to emotionally blackmail someone about to have a baby to do something as arduous as a 150 mile journey is very selfish indeed. Outrageously so.

vict17 · 30/08/2004 21:48

Just to give an alternative view I went to a wedding on March 6th this year and baby was due 31st March. I was nervous but didn't have any problems at all. We stayed in the hotel over night so I could have a lie down if I needed to (I didn't) and no one minded when I didn't hang around for photos but went to hotel straight after reception. I went to bed before it all finished - about 11pm and it finished at midnight I think. I was really glad I went.

libb · 30/08/2004 22:03

I would accept but make it subject to baby's plans! Far better they have a extra place than not. I was pretty sprightly right up until the day DS was born but it isn't the same for everyone. They can hardly be annoyed because you went into labour - and it is their problem if they do!

See how time goes for you.

libb · 30/08/2004 22:04

Far better the wedding party has the extra place I mean!

linnet · 30/08/2004 22:14

If you really don't want to go don't go.

My stepsister got married when I was 34 weeks pregnant this year. She also lives about 150 miles away from me and we're very close. I just phoned her up and apologised and explained I would love to come but I didn't know how I would be feeling at the time seeing as I'd be so far along and I'd let her know. She said that it was fine and to be honest she had thought I might not go seeing as I was quite far along. My dh said it was totally up to me whether we went or not.

I think my dad was a bit annoyed with me, gave me the oh your sister will be so upset speech and I did feel really bad but I honestly don't think I could have coped with all the travelling etc. We would have been getting there by public transport since neither or us drive and it involved changing trains, far too much hassle for my liking. Plus I didn't want to be stealing her thunder by having everyone come over and question me about the baby as it was her day.

MummyToSteven · 30/08/2004 22:17

Janos - i would be one of the white lie brigade - say you will go, to avoid family hassle, and then if you really can't face it nearer the time, then have a midwife magically recommend that you ought not to go - I'm sure you could persuade Mears to do this job for you

Jimjams · 31/08/2004 08:31

A friend pulled out of my wedding the day before because of this (she was 38 weeks- 300 miles away- second pregnancy and she had been keen to go- was advised not to travel by midwife and had to go in for monitoring). Anyway her baby was born that night . We didn't mind at all obviously. My cousin missed the wedding as he refused to get out of bed so his mum left without him (his little sister was bridsesmaid so they couldn't be late). That didn't go down so well (with my mum- I didn't care!)

ernest · 31/08/2004 16:01

I definitely wouldn't go. been in a similar position and didn't go and didn't loose any sleep over it. did feel a bit bad for my aunt - it's not really about the bridal couple anyway really, they're so busy the whole day they'd barely notice who was & wasn't there.

I suppose like others have said, the easy way out is to accept & cancel at the last moment.

but whichever method you choose, I reckon you should decline

motherinferior · 31/08/2004 16:49

Don't go, don't go! You don't want to go, and you've got the ideal excuse! Stay in and have a glass of champagne to toast them in the comfort of your own home!

You too, Skate. Too horrid to contemplate. Hint at mysterious nappy overflowing baby sickness, and stay HOME.

bundle · 31/08/2004 16:51

i was invited to a friend's wedding in france when i was pregnant with dd1 - the ceremony was about 10 days before my due date if i remember rightly. dd1 was 2 weeks late, but i recall i was very glad i declined the invitation, as motherinferior says, you'll feel much comfier at home. if you do decide to say yes & see..just say the midwife says your bp shot up (for the day) and advised you to rest..

lulupop · 01/09/2004 08:57

Don't go if you don't want to! Since your spetsister is getting married, it's quite likely she'll be having kids of her own some time soon, and then she too can start to grasp the world of difference between the "haves" and "have-nots"

Have just been made to feel v guilty myself as my best friend, who lives in America and has just got engaged to an American, has been in the UK for a whole month but only just asked me to go to her engagement dinner tonight. I have a 2.8 yr old and a 4 month old baby and live in Kent. The dinner is is London. There's nothing I'd love more than to have a night out with my best friend in London, especially since it's the only time I can see her before she goes back to the States, but I just can;t get a babysitter at that short notice. I could tell when I told her that she was thinking "FFS, How hard can it be to find a babysitter?", but I just couldn't be bothered to go into the whys and wherefors of how I wouldn't just leave a 4 month old breastfed baby with any old teenager.

When you have kids, you have to live with always feeling guilty anyway, so I suggest you just get on with doing whatever suits you best, and if other people don't like it, too bad.

Anyway, it's impossible to find anything nice to wear to a wedding at 37 weeks. I know, because I went to one 100 miles away at that point myself. Mistake. But that's another story! Take care.

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