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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Women proposing

23 replies

Alicerose93xx · 23/11/2018 21:02

After my last thread it looks like if i ever want to get married I'm going to have to be the one to propose.. Women who have proposed how did you do it? And did you have a ring? Was it a yes or a no?

OP posts:
AdorableMisfit · 23/11/2018 21:15

I proposed by accident, lol. We were tipsy in a pub with friends debating the merits of marriage and I asked him what he had against the idea. He said, "why, are you asking?" Somewhat flustered I replied something like: "err, ok then, I guess I am?" And he said: "alright, let's get married." And that was that. We tied the knot 6 months later.

thedevilinablackdress · 23/11/2018 21:20

Un-fancy meal out:
"I'd like to get married"
"Ok then, when shall we do that?"

SendintheArdwolves · 23/11/2018 21:22

My last partner was very clear that he wanted to marry me, but knew that I wasn't considering it yet. So he told me that he wasn't ever going to push the issue, and if I changed my mind, I needed to do the asking. And he said he wanted it done properly, with a ring (for him) down on one knee, the full nine yards.

I never did change my mind, but if I had I would have got him a ring just like he wanted.

What do you think your partner would prefer?

TheMagician · 23/11/2018 21:46

I wouldn't bother with a ring.

I'd get your agenda straight in your head. Ask him! But with the view that you need to know if you can continue to consider him a priority in your life. And that if he says no, you need to know that your future isn't with him after all.

Ring shming.

Stillwishihadabs · 23/11/2018 21:49

"You know we were planning on having a party for your birthday ?"
"Yes"
" shall we make it a wedding party?"
"OK why not?"

GnomeDePlume · 23/11/2018 22:20

We were discussing my DB's wedding (full Cecil B DeMille production) and were talking about what we would do differently (all of it). Carried on with our evening then while we were washing up I said to him 'shall we do it then?'

He said yes. We have been married 27 years.

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 23/11/2018 22:21

I did. On a leap year. Just crack on with it, you’ll be fine.

SendintheArdwolves · 23/11/2018 22:22

Wow, there's not a lot of romance on this thread!

OP, I'm assuming you love this man and want to ask him to marry you as a nice thing, not an ultimatum/trick / threat?? So think about what he would like - a romantic meal, a special walk, a cuddly, post coital moment? Then ask him, simply and sincerely, if he would do you the honour of becoming your husband?

Unless there's a LOAD of backstory and resentments that mean this would be a passive aggressive, fraught issue?

Jessclarkky · 23/11/2018 22:33

I’m thinking of proposing to my boyfriend because I love him to pieces- however, we have been arguing non stop for bloody ages and I don’t know if it’s the right time. Like pregnancy- is there ever a right time? I don’t want to pop the question for him to say now is not the time as my confidence is pretty much at an all time low as it is. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! As for the original post I’d definitely say just go for it! If you can afford a ring then get one if not it’s no biggie at all, especially if he isn’t materialistic. Maybe just getting him a sentimental gift instead would be best?

WisdomOfCrowds · 23/11/2018 22:52

I read your last thread and based on what you said there I'd pick a quiet unstressed moment, somewhere informal (the bed/ sofa, not a special romantic proposal location) and say something along the lines of:

"I wanted to talk a bit about our future. We've discussed it before and it's always been 'soon' for proposal and 'one day' for marriage. I know I've been dropping hints recently that I'd love to be proposed to at Christmas but I've been thinking about it and I've realised that all this build up and suspense isn't actually romantic, it's just stressful. Getting engaged shouldn't be full of uncertainty and anxiety, it should be about equal partners choosing their future together. So I know it's not traditional, and I'm sorry if I'm stepping on anything you had planned as a surprise, but I'm asking you to marry me."

Maybe with a bit more waffle about how much you love him.

Alternatively, my partner and I periodically look on the directgov website at the married vs cohabiting comparison of rights/ benefits etc to see whether it's worth us getting married with any haste. So you could look through that and if you find anything say "oh look, I've just seen that because we aren't married if X happens then I/ we will be in a shitty position. Gosh I didn't realise that! I know you wanted to do a big special proposal but since that thing I just read is the case it'd be better to just crack on with it don't you think?"

But I'm sorry to say that having read your other thread I think the most likely response will be some bs about not being ready/ being traditional and wanting to propose himself/ some flavour of "I don't believe in marriage"/ some fudged answer about why disadvantage X isn't real or a problem. So, prepare yourself for how to might react if that's the case.

OhioOhioOhio · 23/11/2018 22:55

A ring is the smallest handcuff youll ever wear.

Just saying.

SendintheArdwolves · 23/11/2018 23:03

Aww, @WisdomOfCrowds that script sounds really good!

Ellisandra · 23/11/2018 23:04

Him: you never drink, you were so drunk yesterday
Me: god I know. I was so drunk I nearly asked you to marry me, but I just stopped myself, because a drunk proposal would be really rubbish and I’m going to do it properly
Him: cool

Him: (3 weeks later curled up on sofa) marry me?
Me: you sod! You stole my line!

We still haven’t decided who proposed. But we’re married now Smile

Joysmum · 23/11/2018 23:48

Wow, there's not a lot of romance on this thread!

Your going to hate mine then!

DO and I had had an argument and were laid on opposite sofas not really watching QVC and silently seething at one another.

I looked over at him and thought ‘what a wanker’ then it hit me that he was MY wanker and I didn’t ever want to be without him. So I went over and nealt on one knee, told him I loved him and that I wanted to be with him forever and would he marry me. He said yes, we hugged and then started talking about when.

He asked when I wanted to go ring shopping, I told him it was a waste of money that we could use for the wedding and I could just use the ring he’d got me for my birthday as an engagement ring.

It’s been 21 years and I can’t remember the last time I wore my ‘engagement’ ring!

Joysmum · 23/11/2018 23:49

*you’re plus lots of other typos. I’ve been in the wine Blush

SendintheArdwolves · 24/11/2018 00:22

Joysmum, that is super romantic! When I say "romance" I don't mean clichés about flowers and sunsets and diamonds, I mean honest, truthful expressions of love, and it sounds like your proposal had that in spades.

TheSmallAssassin · 24/11/2018 13:44

Wow, there's not a lot of romance on this thread!

Romance is overrated. We need to let go of the idea of a big romantic proposal, it takes all the power away from us, as women, and has absolutely no bearing on the success of a marriage or the love that a marriage is based on.

If you're not confident enough in your relationship that you can bring up the idea of marriage, then how can that relationship be strong enough for marriage? How can you be ready to be life partners if you can't communicate on this level?

Romance is not enough to build a marriage on.

PineapplePower · 24/11/2018 13:53

WisdomOfCrowds Love this script too.

FWIW I don’t like the idea of proposals. Too one-sided. I am more in favor of having discussions and coming up with a wedding date together. It’s a contract and should be treated as such.

So, perhaps avoid “will you marry me” and more “we should get married by x date” or “let’s get married because of x, y, z reasons”

TimeWoundsAllHeals · 24/11/2018 13:55

There wasn’t really a proposal in my case, we discussed it and agreed that he would propose - he ordered the ring with me looking at his screen and showing him what I wanted. Then when it arrived he said “do I have to wait til your birthday to give you this” and I said “nah” and that was it, we were engaged.

Stillwishihadabs · 24/11/2018 14:41

I agree romance is overrated. I know so many girls who wanted this big deal proposal and coerced their SO in to doing it. Not for me thank

MissConductUS · 24/11/2018 14:45

I’m thinking of proposing to my boyfriend because I love him to pieces- however, we have been arguing non stop for bloody ages and I don’t know if it’s the right time.

If you're not getting along, shouldn't you sort that first?

Birdie6 · 24/11/2018 14:55

I've done it twice.

  1. both in our 20's, seeing each other for 4 yr, not living together. Him "I'm being posted to Malaysia with work" Me " Well I'm coming too" Him" You can't , it's very conservative there, you could only go if we were married" Me "we'd better get married then"

We did, and were married for 27 years until he died.

  1. Both in our 50's, living together for 5 years. Me " My friend is terminally ill- she is so sick, and she says she wishes we'd get married because we're perfect for each other " Him " oh how sad, hmmm what did you say to her ?" Me " I said I'd ask you. So do you want to ?" Him " yes of course"

So yes I've done it twice and it worked out well both times.

Jessclarkky · 24/11/2018 20:24

@MissConductUS funnily enough we’re trying to sort things out. But I would eventually like to get married to him, just us two in private. I just want opinions on whether there is a wrong and right time.

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