For those who are SAHPs/ have left careers/reduced working hours etc to care for DCs at home, how does your spouse make you feel valued?

[Courageouswhale]

Do you feel valued as a SAHP or as a woman on maternity leave taking care of DCs? Or even as someone who has reduced working hours to take care of young children some of the week, do you feel valued? If so, how?
What do your spouses do/say that makes you feel appreciated/valued/cared for?
What can a spouse do when the other is on maternity/paternity leave to show they are valuing their contribution?

I'm part time. I've always felt valued for my contribution but it's honestly really hard to put my finger on why and how. It's just clear from everything DH does that he's appreciative. It permeates everything. He did work part time too for a bit, not now though, so he gets it.

Yes I felt valued but as PP said not sure how to explain it; I sometimes (quite often, sadly) read comments on Mumsnet from SAHMs who don’t feel valued and I have never experienced anything like that. Maybe because my DH was MUCH keener than me to have a child, he was incredibly happy to be a Dad, he was grateful that I was at home to care for our child (it was a joint decision for me to be a SAHM), he always did as much as he could in the evenings & weekends, fully supported me with all my hobbies & interests so that I was never ‘tied’ to the home; we were fortunate in that we had a comfortable lifestyle, always had a shared bank account & I never had to ‘ask’ for funds, had my own car etc. He never expected ‘dinner on the table’ or ironed shirts etc. I did tend to do most of the housework & cooking (to my very low standards) but never felt it was assumed I would do it & DH always thanked me for preparing meals/doing the laundry etc.

I personally don’t like extravagant gifts but DH frequently buys me flowers and if I liked jewellery, nice clothes, lingevrie etc I know he would be happy to give me those sort of gifts (can’t think of anything worse).

And, thinking about it, he did frequently tell me I was an amazing mum (I don’t think I am, I find parenting very, very hard).

He never, ever made comments about me returning to work, just as well as I was a SAHM for 12 years (one child) & although I helped him a tiny bit when DH was self employed when I did return to paid employment it was for a pittance compared to my previous salary level, but that has never been an issue & DH has always ensured my NI was paid & I had a personal pension in my own name.

My DP doesn't expect me to do absolutely everything around the house/childcare, we have a joint account and he doesn't complain if I buy something that I want.

Yes, similar to pp I also have a pension in my own name which is being paid into.

Yes I always felt valued. He would and still always says thank you for things I’d done during the day, for meals I’d cooked, shirts ironed etc. We have joint accounts and all money is “ours”. He also pulls his weight around the house, and obviously with the dc.
If I did have a wobble, feeling I should be out working, Dh would point out how happy the dc were, how happy I was usually and also that if I wanted to go back, it was entirely my choice and he would support me. So I never felt trapped.

I have always felt valued by dh I think it's respect for what I have done for him and the family.
The kids are the same and believe that they have been lucky to have a sahp.
I know it could have been much different so I'm certainly not smug.
I couldn't be with somebody who belittled me, took me for granted, and didn't pull his weight.

So your partners expect very little of you and you have undeniable equal shares of everything? Do you get an equal amount of disposable income if you stay at home?

Can anyone else shed some light on what it is that partners do to make you feel happy and valued when you're at home and they're at work?

Joint account, buy whatever I want, when I want, if he gets in and there's stuff left to do he just does it. Understands that sometimes things don't get done. However his EA was less of a positive, but was not about me being a SAHM. It was about him. However it's made me start to retrain so I've got a career again!

He helps with the kids in the morning before he leaves and again when he gets home. He never ever comments if the house is a mess - he just chips in and helps out. Finances are split equally - including for his DSC (my DC). He’s happy to support me being SAHM and would be equally happy to support me working.

It comes down to general kindness and respect really. He trusts I do my best, I offer the same in return. There are occasional flash points - I carry most of the mental load but he does do most of the physical work. If we get out of balance we might snip at each other but it doesn’t last long and the conversation is about the behaviour rather than attacking who we are as people.

DH treats me like his partner. What's his is mine, what's mine is his.
It's very hard to explain as it's just our way of life. I support him in his job and career and he supports me as a SAHP. At the end of each day we work together to get the last of the chores done, kids entertained, cleaned, fed and to bed so we can both relax after a long day. I have my own small savings that he contributes to and he has his own. He saves for OUR future and OUR holidays. If I want/need something I don't have to ask as he trusts my judgement on affordability or whether it's appropriate or not. I feel valued because he treats me as his equal. Money is a part of life, he is the one earning it. Childcare is a necessity and I am the one providing it 🤷🏼‍♀️ we're a fully functioning team!

Joint account and “our” money always- never ever “his” despite him being the earner.
Him realising that being at home is actually hard work, relentless, often boring and that sometimes things crop up and stuff doesn’t get done.
That when your child is small being a parent IS the job- housewife is NOT so he was always appreciative when house stuff got done but never angry or pissy when it didn’t.
He valued me as he knew the cost of childcare. He often mentions just how much money I’ve saved my ex husband by being the sahm and him being able to follow a career without childcare concerns. So I know he values what I do for our children.
He understands the sacrifices I have made mentally and career wise to be a sahm. And so he supports other activities I do and is my biggest cheerleader for my future career (in the hopes he can retire!)

Yes, we are absolutely equal. It's our money. I'm a SAHP but have been ill for the last couple of years and will never return to work. It's my hand that controls the purse strings. It's worked for us throughout our marriage and raising our children, the eldest of whom is almost 23.

I basically can buy what I want with the money. DH never told me not to buy something (but then he earns well and I do not spend a lot on myself). In fact he often encourages me to take some money and buy something I might like.
How does he show me he likes what I do? He just tells me. He tells me how proud he is of his kids and that he thinks I contributed to the fact that they are like this.

Yes of course I have ‘equal’ access to all disposable income, I wouldn’t dream of having to ‘ask’ for spending money. We don’t work it out in some sort of petty way down to the last 50p (although I do know a couple who do this ). Most importantly we are both adults, we can understand a bank account and we aren’t going to suddenly rush about and buy something extravagant just to make it ‘equal’. My DH is buying some new golf clubs, golf is his hobby, they will probably cost a few hundred pounds. I don’t think ‘I must spend the same on myself’ but if I wanted something I would buy it. As I said earlier, the important thing is having the same attitude towards finance.

Why are you posting OP? Is it a difficult situation in your household?

‘.

Who are you pitching the article to?

It’s quite hard to articulate it but here goes.

He will come home from work and the house is a mess. He sees that I have played with my son, had fun and tried something new. He will then help clean up.

He thanks me for organising dinner, and sometimes will cook it so I don’t have to. He will often cook on the weekend.

I have text him at work to say I need alone time and he will come home and only disturb me to give me a hot chocolate.

He does one of the feeds at night, so I can get a chunk of sleep, even though he has work in the morning.

He will take the dcs in the morning on the weekend so I can sleep in. I do the other day so he can.

Joint account will full access to finances. If I meet up with people and have coffee or go to soft play or whatever, he says ‘oh that great’

He articulates that he would not be able to do the new job he is doing without my support. That by me looking after the house, he doesn’t have to so he can concentrate on establishing himself. And he thanks me for it.

This morning was working out how I could go to a coffee shop with my book by myself.

Will come home from work early whenever he can. especially when the eldest has swimming so I don’t have to juggle both all the time.

There is probably more but I can’t think right now.

But I have never felt bad for not earning the money, unless it’s me who thinks it. When I go back to work, he will pick up more of the house duties and ensure I can work when needed.

So your partners expect very little of you

Has anyone said that?

My DH pushes me to spend as much time and money as we can afford doing the things that make me happy so I have a life outside of home/family.

We’ve always had equal disposable income based on our usual monthly incomes but if he’s had extra, he’s always makes an additional bank transfer to my account for my share.

Apart from that I know I’m loved and cherished in the small ways that matter no often catch him looking at me with a smile on his lips and warmth in his eyes.

It's a circle of respect, gratitude, trust, that makes you feel valued.

he trusts me 100% to manage the home, but he makes sure he does more than his fair share.
If I cook, he says thank you. If the house looks particularly clean and tidy, he will comment that it does.
If I do something that helps him he notices and thanks me.
He often tells me how much he appreciates what I've done over the years. I likewise appreciate what he has done.
Money is just family money, we've never has his n her finances. I manage the finances and will usually mention if we need an expensive item, but he usually leaves it up to me.
If he finishes early he'll always come home and will know if somebody needs to be somewhere and take them. He's aware how the family runs and can take over anytime, rather than being a useless clueless man.

I'm a sahm & feel very valued!

My dh knows full well we couldn't manage well if I had work commitments.

We have a joint account & spend as we see fit. Everything we have is owned by us both etc.

I attend everything at school (3 dc in primary so I'm there a lot!) Dh attends as well depending on what shift he's on.

I also volunteer on school trips as an extra adult or car driver.

Dh does a decent amount of housework & childcare but I get most housework done while he's at work but if I've been out for whatever reason he'll run the vacuum round or unload the dishwasher etc

Me becoming a sahm was a joint decision as was his promotion which means he's not able to leave the site unless he can hand over responsibility to someone else which is not always possible.

We work well as a team!

I work but in a school so finish at 15:30 and don't work holidays. The key thing DH does to show that he values my contribution to family life (as I have a very stress free part time job I take on almost all the mental load, organisation etc) is to split money equally. He earns vastly more than me but it is shared equally. He also doesn't expect me to pick up everything. He is a hand on father and is perfectly capable of housework.

Joint finances. Our money which we decide jointly how to spend. He never begrudges me money and trusts my judgement on what the children and I need.

He does his share when he's at home. Baths the DC and puts them to bed, then washes up from dinner.

We try to have equal leisure time.

He has left my decision on whether to return to work completely up to me. When I was feeling down about being a sahm, he suggested paying a childminder once a week so I could go back to volunteering.

He does his share of the night time wake ups, despite going to work all day.

There are no big romantic gestures, just small ones every day, not for brownie points but simply to make my life easier.

Conversely, I make sure to thank him for supporting me in my choice to be a sahm and for taking on the pressure of being the breadwinner.

Hi courageouswhale and welcome to Mumsnet.

Why don’t you tell us more about your own situation and why you are asking ? It’s an interesting first post.

Following with interest.
I have few issues with money, I am never questioned on what I spend (actually I do get the odd lecture thinking about it) and my husband is a good man and father who works hard to provide. However, I don't feel valued and sometimes I can feel resentment bubbling away on both sides.
Reading some of these (among other things the past few months) has made me realise we are not the team I once thought we were and I'm trying to put my finger on what it is thats happened.

The same here midlife crisis. I can't quite put my finger on what it is but I don't feel valued either.
We have equal money but this is only after making a case to DH about why we should a few years ago. At the time he said he didn't believe money should be equal as I was 'only working part-time' 😡
We soon addressed his mindset and although he claims he now sees us equally and does nothing specific to make me think otherwise, I still don't feel particularly valued.