How to get over an affair lasting my whole marriage

[Wastedyear]

Very long story short. DW left over a year ago, and I found out was in a relationship with an ex from before we were together. It’s since come to light that they had been seeing each other on/off throughout our 15 year marriage.

We are now officially divorced but have DC so unfortunately still have to see each other. I am struggling with feeling that some of our friends knew and didn’t tell me, and so not only feel my entire marriage/life for the last 15 years has been a lie, but don’t trust any friends that were mutual friends etc.

I have started seeing someone else, who is wonderful. But I can’t get past this level of deceit and feel I will never be able to trust anyone again.

Has anyone been in a similar situation who can offer words of wisdom?

I'm so sorry you went through that wasted what a horrible betrayal ....You are one strong lady

I haven't been in that exact position but I know what it's like to have your trust repeatedly broken.

I guess the only advice I can give is always look at peoples actions when deciding who to trust as you can't trust words...

For what it's worth i think you did the right thing binning the mutual friends

Xx

I think this warrants therapy, to untangle how you feel about it. I’m sure that will have many layers as it took place over such a long time.

That's awful. I can imagine you feel really hurt. I would also say that you'd benefit from some counselling to get out all your feelings about this and also to help you co-parent since you'll still have to see her.

You can and will get over this. She was the cheat and the one with the problem, I really think talking about this and exploring some areas with a counsellor would help you. Good luck

I’m terribly sorry. No advice but you have my complete sympathy.

So sorry missed the DW part...My apologies you are one strong gentleman 💐💐

That's truly awful, I'm so sorry. I highly recommend therapy.

Yes, for at least 10 years, and when ex and I broke up she didn't want him That was my revenge and very sweet it tasted too.

Having trust going forwards was another story, however.

Closetbeanmuncher - you got it right first time actually, I am a lady too. Thank you for your kind words.
Fluffer - that’s what I have major concern about. I e just started seeing someone and now have massive trust issues that I feel will never get any better.
Thank you all for your comments. You’ve made me feel a little less alone.

OP, I am so sorry. I have been through something similar. I have little direct proof aside from the three years before ex-h left but I believe him and OW were having an affair for a large part of our fairly long marriage. I also believe OW's son is my ex-husband's. I try very hard not to think about it because it would send me over the edge, that level of betrayal. I had long term counselling and was medicated. I am in a much better place now. I really think you need to do the same. Ultimately, you will have a much happier future without her. Good luck.

The hypervigillance for red flags bit sucks it really does

The thought of it happening again fills you with terror....It's such a horrible feeling, you've done amazingly to get this far.

Do you feel comfortable confiding in the new partner about your experience?

I agree with the terror. It's been five years for me and I just can't risk it again. It bloody sucks, it really does. I think confiding is a good idea too, if you haven't already.

Thank you so much for your replies.
I have told my new partner who is wonderful. But I feel frustrated because I can’t commit to anything when talking about the future, and am so wary of the relationship. I feel like I will never let myself fall in love again, or believe that someone loves me either. It’s a very odd place to be. Dating and having a “nice time” but not able to feel a connection beyond this. I have considered ending it many times because I don’t think it’s fair to continue when I feel this way.
I think counselling is a good idea as I can’t see a way past this at the moment. Thank you for the suggestion.

Omg I really feel for you and understand for another reason.

I’ve not had a good past and can’t quite reconcile the fact that I didn’t realise what he was like. People say to trust your gut. It I got it so wrong last time and paid the price.

I don’t trust my gut, I can’t trust my gut.

However I came to realise I had to take the risk because unless I did, I’d be alone I’ve been with my DH 24 years and he was worth the risk! I still doubt myself and wonder why he loves me but it’s clear to me he loves the bones of me for some reason

I’m glad it worked out for you Joysmum. That’s lovely to hear.

I think the advice that was judging actions not words has struck a chord. If I had done this I would have known!!! I need to keep this in mind for the future.

Oh my, does this bring back painful memories! I was in a 26 year marriage with a ‘model husband’ only to find out he was a total player! He had affairs all throughout our marriage often 3 or 4 on the go at once. He was a financial advisor so worked irregular hours and his business was done in his clients houses. his phone was often off as he was ‘doing business’. No one that knew us suspected a thing. They all thought he was lovely and I was lucky to have a loving modern man. I was lucky to have supportive friends and did also go for counselling so I got back on my feet again pretty quickly. I’m now remarried but there are occasions if hubby is late home and not answering his phone I feel panic rising! When he walks through the door and tells me he was stuck on the motorway for an hour due to an accident I calm down and give myself a talking to! It’s really hard to trust again but with the right person you will gradually learn!

When you look back at your relationship with your ex, do think there were red flags you ignored?

Sorry it brought back painful memories Baalamby. I sympathise. I’m glad you have found happiness.

There were no red flags particularly. She was always where she said she would be and gone on time. It was more a feeling she would rather always be somewhere else She was and still is a very difficult person to read and my friends have all said they feel taken in by her too. Looking back, there was a complete lack of jealousy on her side - which I thought was a good thing because we had a trusting relationship, but maybe it was because she didn’t care what I did? It’s so difficult looking back and wondering what the intention was behind the actions. Things like holidays and family days out were all arranged by me, she would never go out of her way to make a special occasion special for me. But I think after a few years you fall into a pattern and just assume it’s soneones personality (lack of romance etc) rather than the fact they are having a long term affair. I guess I never felt she was “head over heels”. Rather just contented. Which is actually for me far more important long term! Argh it’s driving me a little crazy thinking about it all.

Oh OP...

Read this sentence out loud:

“I’m free now and can live my own life without lies and deception and I deserve to be happy and content”

And then get up, go wash your face, drink a pint of water, switch the TV on and watch something. Just give yourself a break. You don’t have to sit here at 6am giving your stupid ex headspace. You’re not alone and so many people have lived through this and lived to tell the tale and you will too. It’s so much better to be single than to be with someone like that x

@Joysmum I totally understand when you say you can't quite reconcile what he was really like. That is something I don't think I'll ever come to terms with. How did I not SEE? It took a lot of counselling to make me realise that people like him are masters of disguise, shapeshifters if you were. Hard going though and like you, I struggle with judgement. So I haven't dared take the leap. One day maybe.

OP I know you have said you'd seek counselling, please please do it, your GP can refer you for at least 6 sessions. Working through the endless questions in my head (that I was probably never going to get answers to) was hugely helpful.