Someone please help me - partner on gay dating sites

[SammyR333]

Hi All,

Really hoping someone can offer me some advice. I met my partner 8 years ago and we started out as friends. He told me he had experimented with men in the past and being a modern and open minded women this didn't worry me at the time. I also knew he had cheated on his ex through those secret sites for people in relationships and he cited his reasons for this and after being with her for two years she simply lost interest entirely in sex and they didn't have any for 5 years m. Apparently it caused her a lot of pain and they went to see very doctors etc and so he did what he "needed to as a man" because he didn't feel he could leave her on those grounds. They did eventually split up after 5 years together.
I am a naive, fool who believed this all. When we got together I truly thought I had found my person. We connected in every way, emotionally, physically, as friend, intellectually, our families get on and mostly he has made me so incredibly happy and is so funny I have laughed enough to last me a lifetime. That's the background. I should add we had a discussion when we became official about this where I asked if he was bisexual, wanted an open relationship etc etc and he explicitly said it was just a phase. This conversation was very important as he has an STD which we have been careful I have not caught but if you are to have an "unconventional" relationship then rules need to be set so you don't put someone else at risk.

We bought a house together last year and we have dogs together who I adore however I found out a few months ago that he had been on some dates with some women. It could well have been more but he swears he didn't sleep with them and just that we were having such a rough time (trying to conceive has been impossible and has caused a huge debt to our relationship, sex life and I probably became depressed). He said it was just nice to sit and talk to a woman about something other than conception. I accepted this but now feel I was manipulated to believe I drove him to it.

I have had 20 sessions of CBT this year, I have felt suicidal daily but could never do that to my mum who raised me on my own and to whom I owe a lot of money as she helped me / us buy the home. Further to that the mortgage company will penalize us a lot for exiting the deal with expires mid next year by the way. So I am trapped.

I have now found that he is on gay dating websites. I managed to check bank statements and he has been on them for years. I have found his profile, I have located him to within meters of our home and out workplace.

The scary thing to me is:
a) there are thousands of men on these sites who are married so who is to say the next one won't be the same
b) how will I ever trust my own judgement again if I got this so wrong for so long. I have lost all faith in people and in myself
c) How do I deal with losing him, the dogs, the house, my dreams and the likelihood that I won't get over this in time to meet someone else in time to conceive. There is a big clock for me
d) I have no friends without kids and no one to do anything with and even if I did the only thing I want to do is sleep and my sleep is full is nightmares

So my question is, do I accept this? I know people have successful open / bi / threesome / swinging style relationships. I just want honestly. I feel it's unfair for him to be getting his kicks and I get nothing.

The worst thing is I know in my head none of this is right but I truly love him and I can't help that.

What do I do please? Anyone else been in similar situations. I have not confronted the gay website thing as he will know how I found out and it's illegal isn't it, plus I think he would be really vindictive and do this things that would hurt my family, friends and career.

Appreciate any advice. Am out of places to turn.

You can't have honesty with a habitual cheater.

I'm bisexual- nothing to do with cheating. His sexuality is absolutely nothing to do with his repeated choice to deceive and betray you.

You have two choices (IMO). Exit and pay out. Or grit your teeth and wait 8 months to exit the mortgage. It's tough but you don't have to stay as partners to do the latter. Obviously the first is preferable but none of us are privy to your finances.

He’s already got a std previously, you explained you weren’t prepared to have an open relationship and you run the risk of getting HIV especially as you state you’re ttc. House is just brick and stones op you can start over but it would be madness to stay in a relationship whereby he thinks so little of you he would endanger you’re sexual health especially when you’re ttc.

Sorry OP but the good doesn’t outweigh the bad here, plenty more guys you will get on with enormously well and not leave you with a permanent feeling of wondering what he is up to sexually.

Saddest thing I've read in a while, you feel you should accept it as it's common, shocking to hear that OP.

He's been cheating on you right, left and centre, regardless of their sex; he's one dirty slimy creep and why you think this is all you deserve is beyond me; your mental health will no doubt be 100 times worse being with this utter cunt. I'm afraid loving him is not enough, you need to love yourself more; you are full of excuses and minimising his awful behaviour towards you.

Nice to see your mum helped him buy a home with you, you are not trapped, the exit fee to leave mortgage won't be that devastating as it expire in May anyway.

Go back to your mums, get the house sold and stop wasting your time on a dirty little creep who will no doubt infect you again with an STI. Time to face reality I'm afraid.

Thank you all for your responses. The STD is Herpes so it's been easy to prevent me catching it although I went for a full screen this week and am hoping I get the results today.

Yes - it's all very sad, I don't seem to be able to find the coping skills to deal with it. I've tried therapy, I'm on medication for depression and anxiety and I know it sounds so stupid but I feel robbed of 6 pivotal years in my life and can't comprehend the loneliness I will feel to lose the person I've shared a bed with all these years, shared absolutely everything with and the dogs. I know the house and money don't mean much in the greater scheme of things but I am really struggling to see the big picture, especially when I look at our dogs (who he would keep).

Op he has a track record get out now and don’t waste another moment with him.

You are not losing that person, you are losing a person that lies and cheats on you.

If your mum helped you out buying a house I am sure she will help you extradite yourself from this relationship, can't you keep a dog each?

Don't stay with him or use practicalities as a reason to waste more years of your life with a cheat; 6 years is nothing OP.

He can't even say he just looked he's actually been on dates with several women, where is your anger OP, I feel angry. Stop allowing him to blame you for his disgusting choices; he won't stop either.

Please leave this person behind. You don’t deserve to be treated like this. There are good people out there. You have just been unlucky. Please do not compromise.

Dirty badger has it, bisexuality doesn't mean a cheater. He is a cheater who always has a reason to cheat. You have to recognise him for what he is, it's hard but he won't stop.

I wish I had some good advice to offer you OP, but I'm afraid all I have to give is my understanding and a sympathetic ear for the sadness and confusion you must be feeling.

Huh? Straight/gay/bi has got fuck all to do with his behaviour.

He's cheated on you that you know of. And he's clearly planning to, or is currently, doing it again.

And you want to have this man's baby?

Jesus christ love, kick his arse out.

Thank you all for your words. It means so much. My friends know some of it but it's difficult to talk to people you know. I'm embarrassed, I feel ugly and insufficient and desperate to be a mum and to be loved and I am angry. I have angry, anxious, crazy, borderline psychotic for months. I've tried the whole "forgiveness can be so strong for an individual and for a couple" thing, that was until I found the further sites and now I can barely stand the site of him nevermind sleep next to him without loading up on sleeping pills. I should be able to keep one dog but the threats he has made if I try that would send me over the edge so I have to accept losing the only "children" I have had and it's hard. I know I sound pathetic. I'm just such a soft and sensitive soul and I can't help that. I've given so much to him of myself (money, time, love). Supported him for a year when he lost his job. I have so much resentment and so much anxiety I can't even really leave the house

Lovely, your mental health is partly caused by this dickhead ,

There has to be an outcome for you OP that isn't prolonged misery. There has to be, you just have to work out which was to go at this crossroads the your can live with. Can you live with not trying to find a father for your potential children who doesn't drive you to the edge of mental breakdown? Even if you don't succeed? Surely that will be the future in which you can look yourself in the mirror and sleep at night, knowing you can live with yourself?

You may think the dogs, the house, the potential baby would be worth the pernicious erosion of your self-esteem, but given the toll it's already taking on you, will there really be anything of you left?

There no shame in not being able to live like this by the way, no shame at all. You are who you are, you have feelings that matter and deserve to be acknowledged. Who you are is screaming at you that it can't take this, that's what I'm getting from your last post. Listen to that voice, don't try and silence it for the potential outcome you want, it will always be with you; it's YOU. You deserve to be happy, or at least (like all of us) you deserve the chance to try.

Your life is being destroyed by this man. Can you get away for a bit to get some distance and to clear your thoughts? Write everything down - it helps. Look into a good psychotherapist for yourself if you can afford it - it will help to unload all of these secret feelings. Get your ducks in a row financially - what can you rent/buy if you sold the house? Sometimes the practical steps provide a safety net.

Christ sorry

You can't live like this forever though, and as awful as it sounds you can't trust him, but you also can't trust him with your (and babies) health. If he's sleeping around and you're ttc you're not protected. The fact you even felt the need to get screened says it all.

Please see sense and leave him, a house is just stone you can have the life you want, but you'll never have it with him. Sending love xx

So sorry to read this OP. But please leave! I know is easy to say, but I did something similar at 36 and then met my current partner and had a baby at 40. I don't know your age so I might be talking sh*t here but nothing is worth being treated like that. Having a baby is emotionally draining and you need the right person next to you.
Good luck xxx

Look what he's putting you through, op - you're sensitive, loving and giving, you brought all those lovely, generous qualities to this man. And the bastard took advantage. It's not you - it's him, he's not worthy.

You are worth sooooo much more than this.