have you/would you hire a private investigator?

[vannah]

Because Im seriously thinking of doing it...

I have a very strong instinctive feeling that my DH is up to something. But having said that, Im also v insecure because of lies he has told in the past. Weve been married for 3 years, have a toddler and Im 4 months pg.

I suspect him of seeing someone at work, although its so hard to prove this. He works in a huge secondary school, he doesnt go out in the evenings, but he has started to come home an hour later everyday, and apparently there are lots of 'urgent' meetings going on during his lunch hours.
This is his second year in education, and Ive been in the job for 14, and now train teachers. I know for a fact that there arent THAT many meetings and things to do in lunch/after school. But, what he argues is that there's not much he can do in an hour - which is a fair point.

He doesnt want to speak to me on the phone anymore, so this makes me suspicious, and I discovered there was a very beautiful trainee teacher that worked at his school that he got friendly with but I cant find out any more details.

So I am plagued with anxiety. Im very seriously considering hiring a PI. Any experience of this out there?

thankyou

You could always hire a mumsnetter

I BET someone who lived near the school would do it for you
where is it (roughly)

Surely if he can see how much you're hurting he wouldn't snap at you and wouldn't be so uncaring? If someone has betrayed your trust, surely the very least you can expect is them to do everything in their power to rebuild that trust?
I fear that people generally get defensive when they actually do have something to hide

I think him snapping at you and his refusal to acknowledge your concerns is a bit worrying.
I do tend to agree that instincts are usually right. You have to go with your gut instinct.

You could turn up with a gift (token of love/way of saying you love him and sorry you're both having a bit of a bad time). Or with a picnic or ready made lunch of his favourite things... all things you would do for someone you love. If he went mad at you doing that I would worry!

But if it's impossible to turn up then a PI may be the way to go for you. Either you are being paranoid and it will put your mind at rest, or he is an exceptional liar and is decieving all of you.

I really feel for you. But you are stronger than you think. Your children need you and you will get through this.

Sorry I tend to agree with MLS on the gut instict thing but as we have both just been through it, it is not surprizing really.

You really do need to talk to him about how insecure you feel though, and his lack of support is actually making it worse.

Yes i think he would say hirer a PI just to make you feel silly about it all.

I thought about it all the time and still consider it as still don't trust what he says to me - looked into it but it costs an absolute bomb as they charge per hour and could be sat around for hours waiting for him

i agree with turning up with a picnic to see what's going on. if your gut instinct is saying something's up, something's up.

Ive been through this and am afraid that my exH stopped phoning me or taking calls & accused me of being paranoid & pushing away with my accusations

unfortunately I was NOT going mad as I eventually got evidence & the rest is history

could you put your paranoia down to pregnacy hormones & explain you just need a little more TLC?
if he refuses that, then maybe your fears are founded

How are things today Vannah?

any news vannah? xx

When I said wait outside school - I didn't mean indefinitely!!
Hope all is well x

I HIRED A P.I.

It was worth every pound as it put my mind at rest. i was pregnant at the time and the anxiety and stress of not knowing was awful it really made me ill. At least when I got the evidence from the P.I I could act on it. Not knowing is a killer. P.I 's are expensive but they do the job and get the evidence - (if there is any to get.) There are lots of things they would be able to do - they wouldnt need to get inside the school to find out if he is being unfaithful.

follow your instinct Vannah, a woman's intuition is seldom wrong I'm afraid. Good luck.

Vannah - I remember your thread earlier in the month about feeling like he was pushing you away. Did you try any of the advice on that? Did it work? (prob not if there is still an issue) How are things now?

Not very good at using mumsnet, Ive been logging on regularly in the past day or two, but thought that replies had stopped, despite pressing 'refresh'. Hockeypuck, I did try to talk to him about supporting me more due to pregnancy, and he has - but in a cold and obligatory way - that is to say, we talk on the phone occasionally. I do try to focus on myself and things I enjoy a little more - but when youre plagued with suspicion and anxiety, nothing is pleasurable.
So thankyou those of you who are asking after me, Im still feeling nervous but on friday - guess what I did after school? I went to meet him, because he had one of his ridiculous after school meetings again, ON A FRIDAY(!)
I didnt just turn up, or lurk about outside. I did call him to let him know that Id be picking him up, and he was cold, but lovely when I got there. And yes, he was actually doing what he said he was doing. He was there with an elderly colleague standing over piles of work, when I walked in with our LO.

Trouble is, though I test him out from time to time, and find that he's not lying, and curse myself for being so mistrustful - I vow to calm down and let him be for a while. But the next day Im anxious again.
We had a good counselling session this morning.

12lbnaturally - did you already know what you would do if you found out before hiring the PI? Its good to know you found the experience worthwhile.

thankyou everyone for your warm support
vannah